Don't call it a "social network" — the product that will save Yahoo is an "enhanced profile." Which just happens to look exactly like someone's profile page on Facebook or MySpace — friends, updates, and all of that. CNET News editor-in-chief Dan Farber got the PowerPoint deck, as did AllThingsD's Kara Swisher. Is it something they teach you in journalism school — that writing about tech involves fawning over something simply because it is new and you got to see it first? I never got to take that class. (Screenshot via Webware)

The latest hire in online tech outlets smacks of cannibalism. Silicon Alley Insider, the vanity blog vehicle of former Wall Street stock analyst Henry Blodget, has lost managing editor Peter Kafka to AllThingsD, the vanity blog vehicle of Kara Swisher and Walt Mossberg. Dow Jones makes for a steadier parent than AlleyCorp, the tech-startup holding company of DoubleClick cofounder Kevin Ryan. But one would think Swisher, who confirms the hire and says Kafka will start at the end of October, might have first raided the vast hordes of reporters working in the faltering medium of print before feeding on her own kind. Let's just hope she lets Kafka get out more.

Ruthless reporter Kara Swisher didn't get invited to superbanker Herb Allen's annual VIP gathering in Sun Valley. So she's taking matters into her own hands and ... complaining on her blog? Kara, stop it. I've seen you in action. You're The Bride of tech reporting. When you enter the room, security guards flee. PR bunnies chew off their own heads rather than face you. You disembowel Old Boys Club members with questions so sharp they barely feel a thing until it's too late. So quit whining and man up, Kara. Just get yourself to Sun Valley. You'll get in. You'll have the head table before dinner is finished. I almost feel sorry for the poor sonsabitches they send to stop you. Send us your posts and we'll lazily relink them. Now GO.

CARLSBAD, CA — In her bid to rob her new boss of all remaining dignity, conference organizer Kara Swisher has arranged to have gene-analysis startup 23andMe map aging media mogul Rupert Murdoch's chromosomes at the D6 conference, AllThingsD's John Paczkowski tells us. Come on. At 77, does he have any left? Leave the man's DNA alone, you mean lesbian! Swisher's DNA is also being tested, as is that of Googlers Eric Schmidt, Larry Page, and Sergey Brin. Brin's wife, Anne Wojcicki, is a cofounder of 23andMe; Brin provided the company a loan to get it off the ground. In a real-world DNA experiment, Wojcicki is expecting the couple's first child.

CARLSBAD, CA — One of the best things about AllThingsD.com is John Paczkowski, the site's sardonic tech blogger, whom Kara Swisher cleverly poached from the San Jose Mercury News's Good Morning Silicon Valley blog. At the D6 conference, there has been no sign of John Paczkowski — only an overly sincere reporter impersonating him. There is no speaker the normally acidic Paczkowski can't find something nice to say about. Who is this guy, and what has he done with the real John?

CARLSBAD, CA — A rumor sweeping the press corps here at the D6 conference: TechCrunch's Michael Arrington was set to stream Bill Gates's presentation live, but organizer Kara Swisher, who wanted to keep video restricted to her AllThingsD.com website, put the kibosh on it. Arrington abandoned the effort, but cited "bandwidth issues," not Swisher's strongarming, as the reason. Update: In the comments, Swisher denies she personally asked Arrington to stop streaming and says it's "the first she's heard of this." But, as commenter Mr. E. notes, Arrington associate Loic Le Meur confirms via Twitter that a man who "wasn't nice" asked Arrington to stop recording. In a subsequent email, Swisher says Arrington should have known better:

Scoops are important to journalists. But do readers care? Some writers persist in thinking so. I can't remember ever seeing such backbiting over a humdrum funding announcement: Kara Swisher of AllThingsD scooped everyone last Friday with a rumor that Slide, Max Levchin's Web widget maker, was raising a big funding round. Sarah Lacy of BusinessWeek had more details of the $50 million round in an already-written column published to the Web after Swisher's post. Brad Stone of the New York Times weighed in that afternoon. And that's when the knives came out.

A fictional character on The L Word, Megan Swisher, was named after power-lesbian couple Kara Swisher, the AllThingsD blogger, and Megan Smith, a vice president at Google, Mombian readers note. Not mentioned: That Swisher serves on the board of OurChart.com, a lesbian social network tied to the show, a fact she prominently discloses. [Mombian]

Kara Swisher, the mean lesbian who blogs for Rupert Murdoch at AllThingsD, just called me "the town work whore" in an email. What does that even mean? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

So it's past midnight at the Valleywag holiday party when I answer the door. "Owen's totally wrong about that Facebook thing," blurts out Kara Swisher, whom I hardly know, in the conversational space most people would waste with a vacuous Hello it's good to see you can I come in. "What's with Loudmouth Gay Guy," she adds, nodding toward a tipsy guest. "Handle it, will ya?" I used to wonder why Owen had such an obvious thing for Kara, but I get it now: Kara Swisher is the ruthless-yet-right reporter we wish we could be, but can't. Back to book reviews for me. (Photo of Swisher not impressed with the animatronic reindeer by ... oh wait, I took this one.)

Really, we're confounded. David Hornik's Lobby conference is ostensibly an invite-only affair. But some of the attendees had us scratching our head. Spotted, Yahoo's Bradley Horowitz, Brad Garlinghouse and Kiersten Hollars enjoying some sun instead of participating in Jerry Yang's 100-day turnaround of the company. Then there's Jessica Livingston and Paul Graham from Y Combinator. There's nary a 22-year-old wantrepreneur in sight, so what's the draw of this conference for them? Other inexplicables: Kara Swisher from AllThingsD, and TechCrunch heavyweight Michael Arrington, two notoriously gossipy hacks. Wasn't this event supposed to be off the record? And does Arrington even know what that means? (Photo by bradley23)

Is 23-year-old Harvard dropout Mark Zuckerberg worth $3 billion, as ignorant slut Kara Swisher of AllThingsD believes? Or nearly $5 billion, as Valleywag has reported? Silicon Alley Insider's Peter Kafka has absolutely zero fresh reporting to add on this matter, but he says he wants a cage match between us to settle the matter. No way! That mean lesbian would claw my eyes out in three seconds flat. I'm glad she's wasting time in Hawaii right now instead of doing some real work. [Silicon Alley Insider]

At last, I understand the vision of synergy between News Corp. and Dow Jones. It's all about Kara Swisher, basically. The abrasive, pint-sized reporter-turned blogger spent dinner at Web 2.0 Summit locked in conversation with gregarious, pint-sized megamogul Rupert Murdoch, News Corp.'s CEO, and, come December, Swisher's boss. Swisher, of course, has been blogging hot and heavy on AllThingsD about Facebook, MySpace's chief rival. She's just the starting point. News Corp. is so vast that next year, it could easily assign an army of Wall Street Journal reporters just to cover itself. Check out the photos for Swisher's encounter with Murdoch, and more.

Buried in this TechCrunch40 wrap-up post is a frightening promise from AllThingsD's Kara Swisher:

AllThingsD blogger John Paczkowzki, he of the hypnotic eyebrows, outdid the rest of the geek press corps at today's Apple iPod event. While others used souped-up EVDO-equipped laptops, Paczkowzki liveblogged the event entirely on his now-outdated, overpriced iPhone. [AllThingsD]

On her blog, Kara Swisher is running a cartoon comparing Walt Mossberg to Anton Ego, the "dour, humorless" food critic from the Disney/Pixar movie Ratatouille. Mossberg, of course, is the gadget reviewer for the Wall Street Journal, and Swisher is a hyperconnected Valley reporter extraordinaire, and the two have a long-lasting friendship, as well as a partnership running AllThingsD.com. But can it possibly endure this jab from the acid-tongued Swisher? (Illustration by Adam Tow for AllThingsD.com)