You knew this was coming. Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are getting married today. They got covered in the NYT's Weddings & Celebrations pages. This is what happens when you pitch Weddings Expert Phyllis Nefler a fastball down the middle:

Every week, Phyllis Nefler scores the NYT's Weddings & Celebrations pages for the various Times-reading women and gay men who need their own special version of sabermetrics, and the straight men like me who deny reading them. These are Altarcations.

If you didn't get married to someone you don't know in a sea of 20,000 cult members yesterday, you may have missed your chance. It looks like the Reverend Sun Myung Moon has performed his final mass wedding.

Last week, we reported on celebrity chef Todd English ditching his bride at the altar, and the bridal party spinning their story to the Post. Forget the "maybe." It was total spin, to prepare for battle: pre-nups and abuse allegations.

Do you remember the bloody battle between Dubya and Kerry? Phyllis Nefler does. So do the NYT's bitchy Weddings & Celebrations editors, who love a juicy broadsheet when they can make one. The battle royale continues. Also, look: meerkats!

Altarcations are birthing friendships from our loins. Wonder if Phyllis Nefler will help this week's NYT Weddings & Celebrations elite fraternize over love of pervy facial hair and difficulties paying for pricey gay marriages. Bonds: we make them happen.

Last night, we hear that celebrity chef Todd English stood up his bride-to-be at the altar, has been in Florida the last three days, and was never going to show. This morning, the New York Post runs the story. How?

Well, that was an interesting day. Jews! They're having identity issues, they're having sex scandals, they're having stomach aches, they're having a holiday with something called an "etrog" and a DIY beer cave. It's called Sukkot, and it starts today.

Lots of people who thought they were marrying into money: screwed. People like Phyllis Nefler, who will marry into awesomeness: better off. In this week's NYT's Weddings & Celebrations, a few people actually do that. But remember: Harvard. Always. Wins.

Phyllis Nefler eats lots of cake, emotionally and otherwise. She's yet to meet her dream cake—which probably comes from B.C. and rhymes with "shmooberry sush"—but it's out there. NYT's Weddings & Celebrations, help us find it.

Gawker Weekend's Wedding Maven, Phyllis Nefler, please, tell us: will we have to wait until we're old and wrinkly to find matrimonial bliss? The NYT's Nilla Section Weddings & Celebrations seems to think so. Depends, off, biological clocks, on.

The NYT Weddings & Celebrations are a place for the hoi polloi to GTFO, not for artsy-fartsies "making" things other than Exeter-bound offspring and family mergers. Phyllis Nefler investigates the recent rash of ridiculousness: let those fuckers eat wedding cake!

WTF? The New York Times made a huge "teachable moment" in this weekend's weddings, and we got tipped off to it! Phyllis Nefler, who polices the mean streets of the Weddings & Celebrations, is on the case. Sick 'em, Phyllis.

In August, it ain't where you're from, it's what wedding you're at. Not getting married/watching other people get married? Then you're probably single, friendless, or me. Enter Phyllis Nefler and the NYT Weddings & Celebrations to help ease/exacerbate our pain.

If marriage is an institution, Phyllis Nefler is the McMurphy to the Nurse Ratchet of the Sunday NYT Weddings & Celebrations, editor Robert Woletz. Contained herein: deodorant, Seinfeld, cults, MENSA, and wonderful/bad vagina jokes. On bended knee, Altarcations is back.

Apologies to MCA: get better, man. NOW here's a little story/I'd like to tell/about one Phyllis Nefler/you know so well/she rocks the W & C of Sunday's NYT/And she's about to kick/a little history...

Have you seen the viral video of the wedding party from Minnesota dancing down the aisle to their nuptials? Well, they went on The Today Show and recreated it. How awkward was it? And has Chris Brown's career been saved?

Technical difficulties in the Hamptons are troubling with Altarcations tonight. Phyllis is working on them!

Anthony Weiner, the annoying whiz-kid congressman who didn't run for mayor this year because he didn't think he'd be able to beat Bloomberg, decided to get married, instead. Sorry, ladies! Huma Abedin is about to become Mrs. Weiner.

Get out your Nikes and Kool-Aid, and drink up: Phyllis Nefler's serving a tall, cool glass of a special weirdo religion version of the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday NYT. Also, successful matchup by Samuel L. Jackson!