A recent mass-emailed divorce announcement made Salon's Nora Zelevansky and her boyfriend "feel like intruders, as if we were guests at a wedding for anyone other than our dearest friends and family." But these emails, and the attendant divorce parties and ceremonies, are becoming de rigeur. "Some divorcees embrace announcements and parties as a way to put the word out on their own terms and with their own public spin," Nora writes, explaining that "Christine Gallagher, the Los Angeles author of 'The Divorce Party Planner,' agrees that 'The tone of the announcement can speak volumes about what happened, so that others don't feel it's an unmentionable subject.' Perhaps Robert Olen Butler, the recently-jilted author of a Pulitzer-winning book and also the craziest email we've ever seen, could have benefited from Christine's book! She also "believes a theme party is key to salving the soul."

Do you believe in love? Perhaps you do! But you totally definitely believe in money. Because it's very hard to love when you have no money and you're hungry! The Weddings and Celebrations section of the 'New York Times' is where money and love meet, and where our Intern Alexis finds that in the mix, someone always comes out the winner.

Great news! Did you know that the Weddings and Celebrations section of the 'New York Times' exists to transform you on a lazy Sunday afternoon from Kathy Griffin to Cathy Guisewite? It's true! Studies show that reading what we used to call 'Vows' actually sets your internal feminism and self-esteem clocks back eight years. Anyhoo, put down that Ben & Jerry's, unloved fatty, and let's see who won the battle of the marriages this week!

Every week, the New York Times' Weddings and Celebrations section lets you know which powerful, rich, famous, and/or attractive people are joining like in holy matrimony and the conspiracy to grind your hopes and dreams to dust. And every week, our Intern Alexis subjects the happy couples to her tough-but-fair rating system.

"The concept of marriage must have been thought up by an unimaginative pig," Albert Einstein once said. Every week, Intern Alexis reads the Times' Weddings And Celebrations section to see who's still buying the concept, and, by extension, each other.

Each week, Intern Alexis demonstrates what we know to be true: That the Weddings and Celebrations section of the 'New York Times' is for faux-starry-eyed future-divorcees who are setting themselves up for current social status and future windfall divorce settlements. Here's to them!

Each week, Intern Alexis surveys the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Times and subjects them to her patented rating scale so that we might know who is best preparing to be well-set-up after their divorces. "Bourgeois marriage is, in reality, a system of wives in common," wrote Marx. Hence we pay attention to the weddings so that we may know who will later be exchanging wives and each others' money at the same time.

Every week, Intern Alexis combs the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Times and clues us into which members of the elite class are pooling their resources. This week's column is a day late cause she was at a wedding over the weekend! Alanic.

Every week, Intern Alexis combs the Times' Weddings and Celebrations section, seeing which notables have joined the ranks of the marrieds. Good luck to all these poor suckers; we're certain they will all be posting on messageboards about their issues with "DH" in no time.

Each week, the 'New York Times' publishes wedding announcements from the newsworthy set. While it's true that you'll never find love and eventually you'll wind up settling for whoever's left, your sad little dreams put to a terrible end in some dingy rented hall that was the only place you and the schmuck you wound up with could afford, it's still nice to know that good things can happen to other, better people. Intern Alexis tallies the score from Vowland.

Every darn week, the wedding announcements in the 'New York Times' asks you to celebrate all that is good and right in the world. Let our Intern Alexis remind you that love is like a grenade of happiness, tossing limbs of joy everywhere in a hot red spray of love-blood!

Each week, the 'New York Times' publishes wedding announcements from the newsworthy set. Why do they make you so bitter, you horrible little nitpicker? Why can't you just be happy for them? What's wrong with you? Intern Alexis breaks down who won in the Land Of Vows.

Every week, when the Times devotes a section to informing you that some people who are richer and smarter and just all around better than you are have found their soulmate lifepartners, Intern Alexis surveys the damage and tallies up the totals. Also, in case you were wondering? No, you'll never find anyone. Anyone good enough, at least.

Every week, Intern Alexis studies the Times' Weddings and Celebrations section so she can tell us who's winning the game of life. Usually, it's the rich white people who come from money! Imagine.

Every week, Intern Alexis tallies up the points earned by couples vainglorious enough (or Times-employed enough! Awww!) to have little biographical blurbs about themselves in the Styles section. This week, Slate literary editor, Paris Review poetry editor and lauded poet Meghan O'Rourke and New Yorker staffer James Surowieki totally won. How could they not? You can all stop dating now!

Yesterday, we noticed a column by Mediabistro queen and new millionaire Laurel Touby's dad, Frank Touby, from something called The Bulletin, which is up in Torontonia, in Greater Canadia. We called it "a great lunch read"—it's about how gay newspapers are pimping in the flesh trade. Apparently Frank did not appreciate our praise, and has written to let us know how much he does not appreciate it!

Every darn week, the New York Times Weddings and Celebrations section reminds you that you're either not nuptialed or not nuptialed well enough. So each week Intern Alexis helps us pay ironic or sincere tribute to the victors of the game of love!

Each week, the New York Times' Weddings and Celebrations section records the funny ways in which rich people with advanced degrees meet and perpetuate their hegemonic control of our society. Intern Alexis is here to help sort the triscuits from the Carr's water crackers.

Every week, Intern Alexis analyzes the results of the Times' Weddings and Celebrations section to figure out who's winning the game of life. Hint: not you!

Each week, Intern Alexis tallies up the status indicators of all the couples who've found it necessary to shove their connubial bliss in our faces via the Times Weddings & Celebrations section, so that we can feel superior to them in some small way that we can trick ourselves into thinking is more valuable than material wealth.