Intern Alexis had Memorial Day off from doing Altarcations, in which, each week, the contestants (whoops! Celebrants!) in the New York Times Vows section are judged, but it doesn't matter anyway because we all knew who would win this week.
Each week, Intern Alexis tallies up the status indicators of all the couples who've found it necessary to shove their connubial bliss in our faces via the Times Weddings & Celebrations section, so that we can feel superior to them in some small way that we can trick ourselves into thinking is more valuable than material wealth.
Each Monday, Intern Alexis uses a rigorous scale to rank the happy pair-bonds cemented in the Times wedding announcements. But surely, the Times can't contain all the nuptial bliss to be experienced in the metro area. Ergo, the Post's weddings section, where the couples require a more flexible scale that can take into consideration differences in, say, life experience, and body type.
Each Monday, Intern Alexis uses a rigorous scale to rank the happy pair-bonds cemented in the Times wedding announcements. But surely, the Times can't contain all the nuptial bliss to be experienced in the metro area. Ergo, the Post's weddings section, where the couples require a more flexible scale that can take into consideration differences in, say, life experience. And body type.
Each Monday, Intern Alexis uses a rigorous scale to rank the happy pair-bonds cemented in the Times wedding announcements. But surely, the Times can't contain all the nuptial bliss to be experienced in the metro area. Ergo, the Post's weddings section, where the couples require a more flexible scale that can take into consideration differences in, say, life experience, and body type.
Each Monday, Intern Alexis uses a rigorous, super-scientific scale to rank the happy pair-bonds cemented in the previous weekend's Times wedding announcements. But surely, the Times can't contain all the nuptial bliss to be experienced in the metro area. Ergo, the Post's new weddings section! As one might suspect, though, Post couples don't quite lend themselves to the same sort of, well, systematicity as the Times crowd. It's almost like there are real Americans living amongst us in New York! Thus, a more flexible scale is in order—one which takes into consideration differences in, say, life experience. And body type.
Earlier today, Intern Alexis deemed Stacey Harris and Daniel Maman winners of this week's Altarcations competition, largely on the strength of their Ivy League pedigrees and despite the fact that they're both from New Jersey. But third-place groom Matthew Slonim isn't taking his loss quietly! We received the following ALL-CAPS telegram-stylee comminiqu from one Howard Slonim, father of the groom. (Also, we're 99.9% certain that Mr. Slonim is also the head of the Lower East Side Business Improvement District; the one who expressed ambivalence about granting additional liquor licenses in the area. Boo!) Anyway, it's possibly the most awesome email we've ever received!
As noted philosopher Carrie Bradshaw once put it, the New York Times wedding announcements are "the straight woman's sports pages." Altarcations is all about scoring the game. Each week, we evaluate the latest newlyweds, based on an elaborate rating system, described below.
As noted philosopher Carrie Bradshaw once put it, the New York Times wedding announcements are "the straight woman's sports pages." Altarcations is all about scoring the game. Every week, we will evaluate the latest newlyweds, based on an elaborate rating system, described below.
As noted philosopher Carrie Bradshaw once put it, the New York Times wedding announcements are "the straight woman's sports pages." Altarcations is all about scoring the game. Every week, we will evaluate the latest newlyweds, based on an elaborate rating system, described below.
Because it's a holiday, we're loopy, and a bit bored-anxious. Maybe a little lonely! Definitely cold. Those are the circumstances which lead us to now publishing what we like to think of as The Most Useless Internal Email Thread In The History Of Gawker, In Which We Learn Who Is Efficient And Who Is A Complete Fucktard. (Hint! It breaks along gender lines!) The emails concern the naming of the new 'Vows" rating column, which will debut this afternoon.
