Here's the menu for lunch at the New York Times cafeteria today. The theme? "Take Me Out To The Ball Game!" Which means hot dogs. Only hot dogs. They represent our nation. Or, as the Times puts it, "Hot Dogs As America." We don't really know what that means. Click to enlarge the menu!
Celeb-economist and Holbert C. Harris Chair of economics at George Mason Tyler Cowen was accused by a commenter at his blog of harboring a too-rosy view of America's future. So he listed each and every one of his "anti-American attitudes." As he is an academic who writes for the New York Times, he has many. Well, six. Some of them obvious—too many people are in prison!—and some a little more brow-raising: "America faces a massive current and future problem resulting from the apparent uneducability of a large chunk of its citizens." Now let's all list our anti-American attitudes! Here's mine: you're all too fat.
The Pope is coming! The Pope is coming! Pope Benedict Ratzinger and His All-Starr Band are on their way to the States for Ratzi's first American tour! It's the Apostolic Journey to the United States '08! Helllllloooo, Baltimore—are you ready to ruminate on the relationship between reason and faith??? Yes, America is thrilled to finally mean Pope Ratzi, the first pope of the Internet Age, according to noted papacy and information technology expert Peggy Noonan, whose column on the visit is a seriously backhanded compliment about how she knew cuddly teddy bear pope John Paul II, and Ratzi, who looks like a breeding experiment between Pat Robertson and a raccoon that somehow became a zombie Sith Lord, is no John Paul II.
Do people still actually go to the post office to mail their taxes in? If so, the NY-Style Bagel Chip Co. (from, perhaps, the minds that brought us "Brooklyn-style Pizza" and "DC STYLE" magazine) will ensure, next week, that no one ever does again. They plan on sending 30 people dressed as Uncle Sam to six Manhattan Post Offices on April 15th. The Sams will hand out samples of Pretzel Crisps, a new "unique pretzel cracker." Because it's "crunch time," you see. Then the Sams will dispense homespun wisdom about the necessity of military intervention against the filthy Spaniards and the nation's unstoppable drive westward. Then 30 John Bulls will show up and they'll all have a bloody good row. Press release after the jump!
It's opening day of baseball season at Yankee Stadium, y'all! And you know what that means: Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eyed Joe? Whether you KNOW, or you don't know, click through to watch the video, then buy your Yankees tickets before they tear down the House That Ruth And Cotton-Eyed Joe Built! Sports fandom minute over. (WATCH IT)
Back in the 1930s and 40s, Kellogg's cereal was a steamroller. It didn't have all types of boutique designer cereals to compete against, so you were damn well going to eat it. And Kellogg's wasn't shy in positioning itself. It's not just something you consume; its products will cure constipation, calm your nerves, and give your man the PEP he needs to do you all night long, baby. Not to mention: single-serving Kellogg's boxes defeated Hitler. All that, and a 13-year-old girl in—I'm sorry—ugly clothes, after the jump.
San Francisco-based advertising guru Hal Riney died this week at the age of 75. He masterminded a ton of corporate ad campaigns, but he'll go down in the history books as the man whose ads helped re-elect Ronald Reagan in 1984 [NYT]. His masterpiece for Reagan was "It's Morning Again In America," a minute-long spot that reassured Americans that everything is okay—with the rich, fatherly voice-over provided by Riney himself. Barack Obama really could have used this guy for the next several months. After the jump, the full version of Riney's "Morning Again" spot. Welfare moms probably didn't appreciate its success.
Breaking news guys. Take your wallet out, find a five. See that green hue? It's about to change. In fact, everything about how we exchange goods and services in five dollar increments is changing. The new $5 bill will be purple. Look, US Mint, American money is green and I don't care if that's made our money easy to counterfeit. Our greenbacks make me proud to be an American. Have you even seen the fruity bills they use in other countries? And don't get me started about the dollar coin. Look, if I wanted my change to be worth more than 8 minutes on the dryer, I'd move to Canada. [Reuters]
May we speak bluntly? We Americans are a bunch of undersexed sissies. So says the new Global Sex Survey from Durex, maker of good-enough condoms. Barely half of Americans are having sex once a week, meaning that we rank above only the stuffy, sexually repressed Japanese in amount of fucking [NYDN]. And all of humanity has a big problem: we don't even like having sex.
We take it back! American celebrities aren't all boors who just drink and never do anything fun and cute like play Scrabble. Apparently they play dominoes! Specifically, something called Mexican Train Dominoes. It seems that Ashton Harold Kutcher and Demi Maude Moore introduced the game to their celebrity pals, and everyone has just gone crazy for it. Penelope Cruz, who Kutcher calls a "vicious warrior at the game", has her own little dominoes parties. This is just like when my friends and I rediscovered Guess Who? one drunken night and played all into the morning. Then we forgot about it. And remain vaguely embarrassed. [Showbiz Spy]
White House Correspondents' Association head Ann Compton announced today that the upcoming WHCA dinner will be headlined by late-night funnyman Craig Ferguson. Ferguson has the benefit of being totally inoffensive and theoretically funny, unlike former hosts Stephen Colbert and Rich Little, respectively. No one is sure what to expect, though, as no one has ever watched his program. Ferguson became a citizen just last week, and as his first official act as an American, he will act as obsequious court jester to a room full of war criminals feted as heroes, press members groveling before the ostensible targets of their muckraking, and Laura Bush's face's touching if mildly unsettling tribute to the late Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker. (After the jump, Ferguson takes his citizenship test.) [WHCA]
"I am OK with the mall, and also, again, eff to you if you have some sorta snotty attitude about the mall and people who go there. You are the same people who talk about how they haven't had a television set for five years. Fine, so you haven't had a television for five years, guess what, I'm still gonna talk about 'America's Next Top Model' or that new show on Home Box where they have sex, but like, in a realistic dramatic setting with a story and dramatic acting and stuff, but it kinda looks like they are really having the sex. Anyway, quit judging me because I like teevee and go to the mall." [Baltimore City Paper]
_f.JPG){kind=link}
