Comedian Doogie Horner was pronounced dead before he even walked onto the stage, but—in biblical fashion—Horner managed to resurrect himself and win over the hearts of his audience and judges. Viewers, have we found our new TV messiah?

This girl sings 'And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going' from Dreamgirls in an audition for America's Got Talent. Amazing.

Now that Leno's move back to 11:30 is official, all eyes are Conan: Will he suck it up and helm the "Tonight Show" at midnight or make the move to another network? Variety says he is 'not happy'. Duh.

She said "god bless her" afterwards, so it's OK that rockstar wifey Sharon Osbourne ridiculed Susan Boyle in a truly filthy way that will be forever seared in my memory, right?

Jerry Springer's unlikely Talent heir: Nick Cannon? [The Live Feed]

Jerry Springer leaving AGT to focus on Summerstock. [THR]

In the latest installment of Gawker's Unspiked Files, Dan Crane auditions for NBC's hit talent contest. (The article follows after the jump.) The Unspiked Files are a repository of pieces commissioned by newspapers and magazines that never made it to the page. Earlier articles on actor Alec Baldwin and a Scientology-related suicide are listed here. If you have an article that deserves to see the light of day, email unspiked@gawker.com.

· Say what you want about this act from last night's America's Got Talent—we're just thrilled to see the Gay Man's Chorus of Los Angeles keeping themselves busy in the chorus off-season. [AGT] · So those two "two sharp young writers" Dan Aykroyd mentioned are hard at work on Ghostbusters 3 are The Office co-EPs Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky. Pam + Slimer 4ever! [Variety] · Sarah Palin attended five colleges in six years before graduating from the University of Idaho in 1987. Also, she burned down a library after she found out the Moosewood Cookbook was vegetarian commie propaganda. [AP, Boston Herald] · Howie Mandel earned a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today, which came with a smaller matching star in an aluminum briefcase. Because he's made his biggest impact on a popular game show featuring people screaming at briefcases, you see. Oh... never mind. [Getty Images] · Attention all drug addicts currently loitering near or around Kirsten Dunst's hotel room: your days of villainy are numbered! [Yahoo] · And the same goes for you, female strippers in Australia accused of sexually penetrating the bachelor! [news.com.au]

· On America's Got Talent last night, David Hasselhoff was refreshingly candid about the stirrings in his loins elicited by Drag Britney. [AGT] · Step! Two, Three, Ball, Step, Ball, Reverse, Change! Watch out stars—Lance means business! [Mollygood] · In this new promotional shot from Land of the Lost, Will Ferrell stands next to the kind of Sleestak you might imagine posing for pictures at Disneyland. [First Showing] · Mmmm...Hannah Montana Sweet & Sour Gummi Cocks. [BWE.tv] · And last but not least, it's Paul Reubens's birthday today. In his honor, enjoy the entire Pee-wee's Playhouse Christmas Special. Happy birthday, Pee-wee! Mm...Birthday cakey. [YouTube, YouTube, YouTube, YouTube]

Celebrity power blogger David Hasselhoff could barely step away from his laptop at breakfast this morning. In between bites of strawberries and toast, Hasselhoff said, "Nobody takes a minute off on the internet. You have to be there every minute of the day looking and hunting for the next big story. So, you have to make it work for you and here I am with my laptop and my wireless card looking to break more stories before I finish my breakfast than Perez does in a week." The Hoff appeared to be unconcerned about the syrup he spilled on his laptop since it's still under warranty at the Apple store.

Apparently, NBC has decided to continue going through the paces of finding America's Top Talent-Haver, when clearly feline pretzel-girl Victoria already has this rodeo all sewn up. Still, there's something to be said for adhering to reality show protocol—particularly when tucking royalty struts among us—and so we were more than happy to take in Drag Tina Turner's electrifying semi-final audition, which unfolded with clockwork precision as her main competition, Drag Britney Spears, watched nervously from the wings. Of course, there was only room for one drag finalist; that, unfortunately, went to neither performer, but rather a Victoria impersonator—played by a 55-year-old, four-foot-tall Chinese-American letter carrier from Sioux Falls, SD—who proved as astonishingly flexible as his adorably whiskered inspiration.

Whether gathering the family 'round to marvel at the sheer Coors-can-devastating force of Busty Heart's exercise-ball-sized melons, or simply gasping in amazement as octuple-jointed youngster Victoria braids her limbs into a human challah bread, you never quite know what form America's talent will take on America's Got Talent. On last night's show, for example, we were treated to that Las Vegas showroom mainstay—the celebrity impersonator—effecting the guise of addled Godfather of Metal, Ozzy Osbourne. So chillingly spot-on was the performance that Ozzy's own wife, Talent judge Sharon Osbourne, admitted not even she could tell the impostor from her own husband. She then insisted he drop his pants and proceeded to examine the contestant thoroughly; satisfied he bore none of Ozzy's distinguishing cigarette burns or The Catheter Bag of Darkness, she was happy to move the doppelganger onto the next round of competition.

· If you didn't happen to catch Victoria—one part Cats, one part JonBenét Ramsey, and one part boneless chicken breast—on America's Got Talent, now's your chance. Just give this girl the trophy (or whatever it is they give on that show) already! [AGT]
· The lifeless carcass of Bravo's Project Runway was discovered inside a giant roll of chenille at the back of Mood Fabrics. [Gawker]
· Wow! Another original 90210 cast member was able to shuffle things around to accommodate an appearance on the new version. This must be one special spin-off. [Us]
· Pam Anderson pledges "no stripping" on her three-day stint as Australian Celebrity Big Brother's "uber special VIP guest." No matter how hard they ask. Unless they get her drunk. Or ask. [Sun]
· We're happy to inform you that http://rim.jobs is totally safe for work. [http://rim.jobs]

America's Got Talent last night featured the truly unique talents of a one Miss Busty Heart—a beloved mainstay on the stripper circuit for decades now, according to her must-visit website—whose act consists of slamming the two bean-bag chairs hanging from her chest onto a variety of rigid objects, thusly inflicting unspeakable damage. In doing so, she managed to shock the studio audience—including Jerry Springer, who you'd figure would have seen an act like this by now. It was all fun and games until she insisted on outdoing herself with a grand finale the judges wouldn't soon forget; unfortunately, she had never tested the "railroad spike through a cinder block" trick before, resulting in an instant gusher that coated the horrified studio audience in a fine misting of 22-year-old silicone filler.

America's Got Talent judge David Hasselhoff got off to a rousing start of his second job, scaring tourists on London's South Bank. Hasseloff explained that he really isn't scaring the tourists as much as offering them a pleasant surprise and the opportunity to have their picture taken with a celebrity. Hasselhoff did admit that we were a rough patches in the beginning where he popped up from behind the embankment and there was nobody there. Hasselhoff felt a bit embarrassed, but he said that there's a learning curve with every new venture. Hasselhoff opened to have all the kinks worked out by lunch time on Thursday.

Marvel if you dare at a real-life Craig and Janine, two married contestants on the Gong Show-esque fiasco America's Got Talent (no it does not) who sing and gay their way out of America's hearts.

During Tuesday's moving finale of the NBC hit (we're trying to make up for missing the event by slowly reconstructing it through YouTube clips), judge David Hasselhoff offered a brave performance of his Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical's "This is the Moment," knowing in his heart that the larynx-eroding effects of too many wild nights of drunken, camcorded floorburger parties might prevent him from delivering a single note in its intended key. Still, Hoff belted on, nearly collapsing from the exertion necessary to execute the song's lung-bursting finish. Fuck America, Hasselhoff's triumphant expression seems to declare as he sustains a final, strangled note, I've got all the talent you need right here.

But could anyone better sum up the competition's 60-seat-Vegas-showroom essence than last night's winner, ventriloquist-impressionist hybrid Terry Fator? We think not. Now $1 million richer, Fator's twenty, long years traveling the bumpy show business backroads have finally paid off. (If you're skeptical of his celebrated talents, we invite you to marvel at Winston the Turtle channeling Roy Orbison above.) America's ventriloquists, so long the bottom-feeders of the post-Vaudeville entertainment world, can finally hold their heads up high, just as soon as they're done cursing the fact that the best impression they can muster sounds something like Robin Williams doing Jack Nicholson eating a sandwich.

Even if you've only achieved an "Oh, he's the guy on that show who's not Hasselhoff" level of fame, it still has to be embarrassing to bust yourself up on one of those fancy future-scooters so badly you might miss your show's finale. [AH]

Our country's talent pool, it seems, has been so thoroughly drained by the approximately three-dozen Idol-style competitions currently clogging network summer schedules that the best America's Got Talent can book is a man whose gift is to hurtle himself headlong through a pile of folding chairs.