• Kyle MacLachlan and Desiree Gruber are officially parents. The Desperate Housewives actor and Project Runway executive producer had a son named Callum Lyon MacLachlan on Friday. [Us]

While the real Amy Winehouse accrues skin problems in a paparazzi-surrounded North London townhouse, the newly displayed Wax Amy Winehouse is drawing in the crowds at Madame Tussaud's a few miles away. And what a ghastly treat it is: a massive, beehive-encrusted head on an emaciated, tattooed frame, posed artfully in that tender performance moment between lyric-belting and fan-punching. Best of all, she's drug-, alcohol- and scab-free, compelling her Mum and Dad to not only attend her unveiling but also plan a bold, back-door museumbreak for the ages. "You know, she's not been home for a right birthday in years," Mr. Winehouse was heard to tell onlookers, anticipating her big 2-5 on Sept. 14. "They can just make a-bloody-nother. Victoria Beckham, now there's a cunt to melt." Judge for yourself if she's worth it after the jump.

• Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner may be back together, possibly because Ivanka has agreed to convert to Judaism if the relationship gets serious. [Page Six]

• On her new album, Britney Spears allegedly has a song called "ATM" where she sings, "Hey Mama, I know it's my cash you seek." After being hospitalized in January and February, Spears stabilized her life and won increased visitation with her two sons, only to have her handlers push her back into various work endeavors. Point being, the song is probably more than mere celebrity whining, and I will actually purchase it on iTunes! (JUST LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE, etc.) [Mirror]

• Did Uma Thurman and Arki Busson get secretly married during their engagement party earlier this month? If so, does that mean the European vacation they're on right now is really a honeymoon? [Page Six]

Click to viewIt's shaping up as a cruel summer for drunk, high or otherwise messed up celebrities trying to stay on the straight and narrow. Comedian Andy Dick was arrested this week for groping a 17-year-old's breasts while in possession of marijuana and Valium, in something of a reprise of his bust last year for doing blow in a nightclub. Actress and teen rehab veteran Drew Barrymore is now reported to have boozed her way to a breakup with actor Justin Long. Heather Locklear fled "depression and anxiety" rehab in Arizona after barely two weeks. Even a Rolling Stone, Ronnie Wood, surrendered himself to rehab again after leaving his wife for a 19-year-old cocktail waitress — and two bottles of vodka per day. Maybe all that summer daylight is pushing everyone over the edge! In any case, it's tough to keep track of who's where on the customary arc of high-profile substance abuse: embarrassment, criminality, rock-bottom desperation, rehabilitation and then either another trip around the circle or a break into the freedom of sobriety. That's why we've compiled a guide to once and future inebriated celebrities: 20 actors, singers, models and socialites who hog way more than their fair share of space in the gossip pages — and here on Gawker. We'll update and expand this list over time as a sort of encyclopedia of shame; your comments and tips are encouraged. (The arrows, by the way, indicate trends in drunkenness, so an upward arrow means getting drunker, downward means getting more sober.)

Someone at the New York Times is clearly keeping up with the British media, where there hasn't been a single features department in the past week that hasn't tackled the trend piece du jour: Everyone's got tattoos! The Guardian served up a piece about how chicks can be tattoo artists too. (Glad they cleared that up!) The London Times revealed—shock!—that lots of celebrities have tattoos? For its part, the Telegraph took the opportunity to remind readers that body art isn't usually all that clever and you'll probably end up regretting it. But Kate Torgovnick at the Times outdoes everyone with her Styles piece about Jews and tattoos, which explodes the widespread myth that you can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery with tattoos:

• It's two days since Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt were welcomed into the world by Brad and Angelina and it's been just as low-key as everyone expected. The mayor of Nice, Christian Estrosi, signed the birth certificate at a press conference; now the discussion has turned to pics of the babies, which are expected to fetch $15 to $20 million. [People, NYDN]

[It's been said before but... Dag. British singer and drug-filled umbrella stand Amy Winehouse at a club last night. When she left, she was inexplicably holding a red lamp and a cardboard box. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• After weeks of battling in court, Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook negotiated a "surprise" settlement last night, which they announced at 6 AM this morning. Many of the details are still fuzzy—they'll explain more when they get to court this morning—but custody will likely stay as is, and Christie will likely retain ownership of most of the couple's properties. [NYP]

• Ashley Dupre might be leaving the beaches of New Jersey for the beaches of California to star in a new reality show. Just what the show will consist of isn't clear (or what network is going to pick it up), but there's a possibility it could be a dating show a la Tila Tequila. [E!]

• Heiress Casey Johnson and Courtenay Semel, daughter of entertainment mogul Terry Semel, are officially dating. Casey is ditching plans to move home to Manhattan so she can stay closer to Courtenay in LA. [Page Six]

• Reps for Madonna and Alex Rodriguez claim the two are "just friends." They just happen to be the kind of friends who have secret rendezvouses at their apartments until midnight. The day after having a baby. [NYP]

When times are slow in the world of celebrity gossip, two people can always be counted on to liven things up a bit: Amy Winehouse and Kanye West. And now those two powerhouses of crazy have joined forces to pump out a story that is ...hold on to your hats... mildly interesting!

• Is Madonna have a secret romance with Alex Rodriguez? The two have been spending late nights together at her apartment and they've been spotted working out together, too. Rodriguez's wife Cynthia can't be pleased by any of this. [Us]

God I love these perverse little lists: A web site that tracks what its users listen to on iTunes has compiled a list of the songs its users most often delete from their records, presumably tracks that people listened to but don't want anyone to see. So what are the most popular guilty pleasures?

There's a dude in Utah who'll tattoo your teeth for you. While tooth (actually crown) tattoo is clearly a natural progression in body art, I think the real surprise here is that there're novel forms of bling being developed in the Jell-O belt. The procedure costs between $75 and $200, usually takes a half-hour, and will give you a lifetime of shame and regret. Steve Heward, the oral Donatello behind this innovation, seems to specialize in faces like Micky Mouse, Amy Winehouse, and Abraham Lincoln. A parade of horribles after the jump.

A new book claiming to unveil "fun, fascinating facts" about celebrities and their drug habits may just be a collection of ancient quotes and anecdotes. As the NY Post reports today, The Curious World Of Drugs And Their Friends promises sordid tales involving Lindsay Lohan and details from her substance-fueled evenings before cokepants and trees put them on the back burner, but the story they cite from a "friend" sounds eerily familiar to one of our favorite classic Lohanisms from over a year ago. And the celebrities quoted as being "unable to talk to anyone without a nose full of cocaine," and having "spent the first 35 years of my life in a fog" due to drugs have either kicked their habits long ago or already (endlessly) confirmed to the world that they were once big league nose candy fans. The stars "featured," and exactly how dusty these quips are, after the jump.

• Good to know that even though Madonna and Guy Ritchie's relationship is on the rocks, their spiritual lives remain intact. Madonna spent the weekend in New York and attended the Kabbalah center in Midtown on Friday and Saturday; Guy paid a visit to the center in London. [People]

• Lovebirds Uma Thurman and Arpad "Arki" Busson are engaged. The Swiss financier gave her an enormous ring (so big that Uma "can't fit it through the sleeve of her coat"), which Uma promptly showed off to friends at a party Thursday night and they're now planning the wedding. [NYDN]