We knew there was a reason the African wildlife-modified manger scene in our front yard was shimmering extra luminously. In yet another World! Exclusive!, TMZ.com is reporting that the Chosen One is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, probably certainly among us already:

When word spread yesterday that Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and their little bundle of global-savior joy, Shiloh Nouvel, might soon be returning from Namibia to our local shores, we didn't spend much time asking why. There was far too much hosanna singing and "Welcome Home, Chosen One" giant-banner preparation to attend to for us to waste what precious time we had left wondering what might be hastening the trinity's return from their African love paradise. Not for the NY Times, however, who report that the "mystery disease" that popped up around the time of the birth and killed three is no longer a mystery: it's polio. And it's a full-fledged outbreak.

Feeling perhaps that $4.1 million was a tad high to pay for a few simple photographs of mother, father, and the Messianic product of a very non-immaculate conception, Angelina Jolie filled out her Chosen One media exclusive package by speaking approximately 4.1 million words on the subject to a reporter recently, as Keeper of the Sacred Seed, Brad Pitt, sat silently by her side. TMZ.com has video of the interview, which we imagine was immediately preceded by Jolie loudly inhaling air for 30 seconds. As for revelations, Jolie mentions she plans on celebrating (yes, celebrating. Got a problem with that?) World Refugee Day on June 20 right here in LA, exciting news for the local lame-limbed and frail. They need only figure out a way to avoid their security duty's sniper fire in order to get within the requisite 120-foot radius of the Chosen One's Malibu compound nursery, upon which they'll joyfully throw their crutches to the sand. (And unscrupulously choose later to hang onto their handicapped access parking tags.)

Because the entire universe would be sucked into an infinitely dense black hole the size of a double-sized, special wedding issue of Us Weekly should a single utterance from the mouths of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie go unrecorded by a roomful of wire service and tabloid reporters, the AP notes that the world's most famous new parents briefly emerged from their Namibian hidey hole to let us know that they are deeply committed to maintaining young Shiloh's illegitimacy by forgoing a meaningless marriage ritual:

The LAT commemorates the momentous occasion of the internet-wide leaking of the first image of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt (and, perhaps, the first legal threats made on the baby's behalf) by assembling a timeline of important moments in the eleven-day-old infant's existence. All the crucial milestones are covered, including the fated infidelity that first brought Mommy and Daddy together, the sex act that would enable the commingling of Hollywood's finest specimens' perfect genetic material, and, most crucially, the Chosen One's first photo shoot:

Defamer has exclusively obtained via another website this EXCLUSIVE! reproduction of the cover of a publication that has paid an extravagant fee (People reportedly paid $4.1 million at auction for the American rights) to publish the first photographs of pre-sainted celebrity offspring Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and the two people whose selfless combination of their genetic material has ushered in a new era of peace, harmony, and perpetual, joyous high-fiving into a turbulent, evil-plagued planet. Mere moments after staring upon the Chosen One's image, we felt as if we were bathed in the same golden light that surrounds the infant's still-frail form, and our usual feelings of crippling insecurity and anxiousness were quickly supplanted by a general sense of warmth and well-being. That's all the secondhand grace we can endure for now, but later we plan on exposing a troubling mole with irregular borders to the young Shiloh's placid image, hoping that the blemish will shrink into benign nothingness and save us the copay for a trip to the dermatologist.

By now you've probably figured out that we cropped the word "photos" from the end of the headline, but would anyone really be that surprised to learn that Hollywood's Most Socially Responsible Couple (or, more accurately, Hollywood's Most Socially Responsible Actress And The Dude Who Goes Along With Whatever She Says Because The Sex Is Still Mind-Blowing) decided to set an almost unattainable example of selflessness for their less generous peers by auctioning off young Shiloh to the highest bidder, then donating the proceeds to their favorite charity? Even with their biological daughter becoming the exclusive property of People, they'd still have their two previous adorable adoptees upon whom to lavish their love, and should they ever get the urge to wipe out illiteracy in Chad, they could have a new baby ready to go to market in about nine months.

· Rachel Weisz and Darren Aronofsky succumb to the celebrity childbirth pandemic, welcoming a baby boy into the world last night. It must be so nice for a famous person not to have to worry that people think she was faking her pregnancy or that the baby wasn't actually fathered by her fiancé.
· Meanwhile, Maddox Jolie has already started being cruel to his new little sister. For shame, Maddy. Mommy and Braddy don't love you any less just because you're adopted.
· The always-reliable British tabloid press claims that Brad Pitt has tired of lion-watching in Namibia: "They are cooped up in the hotel, the food isn't great and he doesn't like the heat. He seems thoroughly depressed and I think he misses Malibu."
· There is something in Star Jones' bathroom nearly as frightening as the actual, naked Star Jones running a bath.

The folks over at esteemed Scary Hollywood Lawyer factory Lavely & Singer gave Angelina Jolie an incredibly thoughtful gift shortly after the Namibian birth of her baby, registering an array of domain names, including ShilohJoliePitt.com and ShilohNouvelJoliePitt.com, for their highly valued client. It's the latest indication of how much better the Jolie-Pitt image machine is run than the rival, suspicion-inviting Cruise-Holmes team. Cruise's lawyer, Bert Fields, carelessly opted to send some knit booties as a shower gift and let SuriCruise.com slip through the cracks, resulting in the embarrassing Countdown to Legality that gleefully informs us that there are only 6530 days, 12 hours, 52 minutes, and 40 seconds until Suri's 18th birthday.

Ever since Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announced that the couple was supplementing their adopted brood with a biological offspring, the tabloids' favorite psychological bloodsport has been the constant monitoring of Jennifer Aniston's emotional state in the wake of her ex-husband's hasty insemination of the first appropriately famous uterus willing to accept his genetically desirable seed. Accordingly, Star reveals Aniston's reaction to the news that her dread has been made flesh:

Despite the fact that the Chosen One is widely believed to be the savior of mankind and possesses messianic, cripple-healing powers, charging Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt's parents with delivering Namibia from its AIDS and poverty crises swill just set up the African nation for disappointment. Angelina Jolie's much-photographed commitment to charitable causes is unquestioned, and the high-end baby boutiques that might sprout up there may help the local economy, but Brad Pitt may be uncomfortable being saddled with such a massive responsibility for a place he picked out for the birth of their child because "it would be cool to see some lions and shit while Ang pops out the rugrat."

· Gallery of the Absurd makes the heretical claim that the Chosen One might wind up something less than physically perfect, then follows it up with an equally heretical graven image of the baby that will one day save mankind.
· Also: Names Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Wanted to Name Their Baby But Decided Would Be Too Traumatic
· And one more: "A Hebrew name, Shiloh is 'generally understood as denoting the Messiah, "the peaceful one," ' according to Easton's Bible Dictionary, an 1897 work of biblical definitions." Nothing like getting a kid started early with those messianic expectations.
· After two failed marriages, Halle Berry no longer feels the need to be validated by a husband. Also, she doesn't fear eventually being a single mom, saying, "My mother was alone and raised me. And I think I came out OK," having already forgotten about the absent father issues that probably led to those aforementioned bad relationships.

It almost had to happen this way: Sometime on Saturday night, noted trickster Angelina Jolie finally gave the order to her team of Namibian midwives to administer the bubbling potion that would induce a quick and painless labor and allow the Chosen One, the genetically perfect biological offspring sired by the actress and partner Brad Pitt, to be born while most of the celebrity-obsessed United States population was distracted by the Memorial Day weekend. As almost everyone certainly knows by now, the couple christened their baby girl Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, a twin tribue to Pitt's beloved childhood Labrador and to Jolie's affection for all things vaguely French. Shortly after donating $300,000 to Namibian hospitals for the establishment of high-security, private celebrity birthing facilities, Pitt and Jolie announced plans to tour Africa with young Shiloh, where they expect thousands to gather in various town squares to gaze upon the baby that first introduced their continent to millions of American Us Weekly and Life & Style subscribers. And while some pilgrims will gaze upon the infant and become free of their crutches, wheelchairs, and bad credit ratings, many more will be instantly blinded by direct exposure to her brilliance, the searing of their retinas a painful indication to the unpure of heart that they are not quite ready for an audience with the world's most flawless lovechild.

· Brad Pitt finds himself the target of the celebrity-infant-safety zealots who have mobilized since Britney Spears' repeated, ostentatious child-endangerment episodes after he was seen taking out daughter Zahara for a helmetless [audible gasp!] bicycle ride in a non-bike-ride-approved baby sling [outraged, uncontrollable vomiting!]. [Rush & Molloy]
· Half of Namibians answering a radio poll think that the day that Angelina Jolie gives birth to the Chosen One should be declared a national holiday. It's not quite as good as a religion centered around the genetically perfect infant, but it still would be a nice thank you for all Brad and Ang have done for their country's tabloid profile. [TheAge.com.au]
· The always-reliable British tabloid press claims that Pitt and Jolie have granted the baby's naming rights to a Namibian chief, an honor he earned by murdering a paparazzi with his bare hands to prove his loyalty and by promising in advance to name the baby "Living Symbol Of Angelina's Committment To Alleviating Third-World Suffering." [Life Style Extra/Bang]
· The AP dares ask the chilling existential question, "What if the world's most eagerly awaited celebrity baby were born, and no paparazzi were there to record it?" Answer: Then that baby does not exist. There, that was easy. [AP]

Brad Pitt broke some bad news to his French fans earlier today, begging out of the Cannes debut of his latest movie via an e-mail explaning his absence from the festival:

· Brangelina news update: Number two adoptee Zahara is stricken by British-tabloid-transmitted mystery illness! Also, Namibia releases a paparazzo they jailed for trying to snap a picture of the pregnant Jolie, freeing him up to be brutalized by a bodyguard or devoured by a lion on his next intrusive attempt to photograph her swollen stomach.
· The Laughing Yogi will seriously freak your shit out. Do not under any circumstances view while high. [via boingboing]
· "Grown Iraqi men get misty-eyed by the mere mention of his name. 'I love Lionel Richie,' they say. Iraqis who do not understand a word of English can sing an entire Lionel Richie song."
· We refuse to believe that there is anyone in Sherman Oaks who is not suffering from a 103-degree case of McPheever. Those Oakies saw the Times coming a mile away.

The LA Weekly's Nikki Finke reports that CAA has confirmed that Angelina Jolie is no longer their client, an abrupt shitcanning that ends the actress's yearlong fling with the agency. We'd ascribe the move to late-pregnancy hormonal mood-swings, but we suspect that with the birth of her first biological child imminent, the agency's trademark baby-devouring displays of loyalty suddenly became distasteful to the expectant mom. But don't think that CAA is going to give up without a fight; a loss-prevention team has already been dispatched to Jolie's bungalow in Namibia, where they will seek to win back their A-list client by feeding the paparazzi photographer of her choice to a lion.

· Lionsgate picks up the worldwide distribution rights to Ayn Rand's novel Atlas Shrugged, with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie rumored to be thinking about taking the lead roles. Pitt's wanted to play John Galt ever since he pretended to read the book at the urging of his freshman year girlfriend. [Variety]
· American Idol continued its soul-crushing, monotonous domination of the ratings, as 27 million viewers tuned in to watch Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest exchange "No, you're gay!" jokes. [THR]
· Warner Bros. TV starts its new Warner Horizon TV division meant to specialize in lower-cost cable TV and reality fare," moving Hollywood ever closer to its goal of producing programs in which no one involved in a show's production is paid any money at all. [Variety]
· Sony continues to find the going rough, but expects to ahve its corporate ass saved by The Da Vinci Code. [THR]
· We were just about to get on board with Mike Myers starring in How to Survive a Robot Uprising from a script from Reno 911 guys Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant, but then we hit this sentence: "Studio has received notes from Myers on the Lennon and Garant draft." Uh oh. Sample note: "What if the head evil robot had a really abrasive Scottish accent?" [Variety]

· The LA Weekly's Nikki Finke says that Les Moonves has kidnapped The CW. How could anyone in Hollywood have seen such a power play from network television's beloved future galactic dictator coming?
· The Most Beautiful Person in the World hates discussing her relationship, but loves KFC!
· This just in: One of Aaron Sorkin's fictional characters has a drug problem!
· If the Britney Spears statue made you queasy, please don't look at this cartoon involving Katie Holmes in the same pose.
· Does Francis Ford Coppola ride the Metro? Metroblogging LA uses highly scientifical image-enhancimifying tools to investigate.
· What if celebrities had their own MySpace profiles? They do? OK, what if celebrities had their own parody MySpace profiles?