Everyone once in a while, celebrities seem to forget their contract with the public: They talk about their relationships and pregnancies, and we pretend to give a shit about their hobbies. If Jolie expects anyone to pay attention to her latest cause, she'd better call another press conference, pose for some pictures rubbing her swollen belly, and answer a few hard-hitting questions about how Brad decorated the nursery all by himself.

· Great moments in celebrity-related entrepreneurship: The Brangelina sign is a winner, but the guy running the Tom and Katie version of the scam had to sell his plasma after two donation-free days.
· Jay Leno may have lost The Gays forever...even the middle-aged, Midwestern ones that might have actually watched The Tonight Show in the last three years.
· Willie "Buddy Lembeck/Bibleman" Aames defends himself against Celebrity Fit Club's deceptive editing practices.
· Did Paris Hilton lose her Bentley in a poker game? Gossips say yes, flack says no, online poker gambling tries to capitalize! Developing!!!

The complacent American paparazzi, who are merely willing to induce high-speed collisions with luxury automobiles while on the trail of a hot subject, should be shamed by the efforts of their ditch-digging, beating-catching brethren currently working the Pitt-Jolie beat in Namibia. Reports TMZ.com:

• After her baby Sean was effectively dropped on his head, Britney Spears looks to sue the makers of the high chair the child had been in. If only she could sue the makers of retarded white trash, too. Then all her problems would be accounted for. [Scoop]
• Oh, yeah — Brooke Shields also had her baby yesterday. Just to spite Tom Cruise, Baby Grier (that's a girl's name, apparently) is already on antidepressants. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Spikey-haired producer Brian Grazer has filed for legal separation from his wife Gigi — but not divorce. Pussy too scared to take it all the way? [TMZ]
• An elevator at the Gansevoort hotel was overcrowded, causing a free-fall that stopped between the fourth and fifth floors and forced everyone to pry their way out. That's what happens when you have 18 drunken Eurotrashers in a confined space. [Page Six]
• Eminem is devasted after the death of his friend, D-12 rapper Proof. The death should be an uplifting occasion — now Proof has street cred in heaven. Meanwhile, his ex-wife has taken to emailing Star magazine. No wonder he's suicidal. [Gatecrasher]
• Angelina Jolie, lesbian sex, exotic dancers, heroin, death — just another day in 1995. [Page Six]

· Die Hard director John McTiernan has pleaded guilty to lying to the feds in connection with the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century. There aren't too many details as of yet, but we're hoping that tomorrow might bring some insight about what Rollerball-related problem could've been worth all this trouble.
· Jonathan Antin might be our favorite TV personality at the moment, and this pre-Blowout (we think) clip from Ali G should help explain why. Not only is he all about hair and creating beauty, he's also about kicking some motherfucking cocksucker terrorist ass.
· Naming your son Brett seems to ensure that he's going to grow up to be...colorful? Is that the right word?
· The usually loose-lipped Fez won't spill which of Hollywood's "most awesome, fantastic A-listers are jumping on board" his ChiPs project, but that sounds like he's getting some serious Masterson and Kutcher interest to us.
· According to a highly scientific USA Today survey, Brad and Angelina's Chosen One is beating Tom and Katie's Miracle Baby in the competition for the public's affection.

· According to the Sunday Times of South Africa, the Governor of Namibia's Erongo region could hardly contain himself after a breakfast meeting with the famous couple: "They are having the baby here and they talked about giving the child a Namibian name." The article also claims the baby is due next month and that "Jolie has been overheard saying that the couple 'think it's a girl, but we're not 100% certain.'" The governor, who was warned what would happen if he was loose-lipped about the highly classified information, was last seen unsuccessfully fleeing the couple's tranquilizer-harpoon-equipped security detail.
· In his ongoing efforts not to alienate little Maddox in the days leading up to the arrival of his probably-but-not-100%-certain sister, Hello! magazine reports Brad will be getting a Buddhist "prayer for protection" tattooed on his lower back in honor of his adopted son. Always pulling the short straw in daddy-displays-of-devotion, Zahara has to settle for a short round of knee-mounted horsey, followed by some quiet busy-time with her Disney's Tarzan coloring books.
· Daniel Pearl's widow, Mariane Pearl, tells the NY Times that the movie based on her book about her slain husband is still very much alive on Pitt's development slate. She chose Pitt in a bidding war over five other studios because, "he was the only one who had read the book." It may not seem like such a huge gesture, but the closest any of his competition came to it was the one studio exec who assured her he "glanced at my assistant's coverage, and wow, you got yourself a movie there, lady."

• Rumors continue that the Brangelina will spew forth its sexy spawn in the south African nation of Namibia; the couple may even give the child a local name, like Malaria. [NYDN]
• Originally from the now-defunct Radar, Mark Ebner updates his story of Girls Gone Wild freak Joe Francis and the trespassing pink dildo that Francis learned to love. Since Francis hosted Richard Johnson's bachelor party, it's a nice reminder of what you'll never read in Page Six. [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Is Kate Moss hooking up with Israeli investor Vivi Nevo? If his blow is kosher, then of course. [Page Six]
• Today in irony: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen front for Free Arts NYC, an organization for at-risk children. [Gatecrasher (3rd item)]
• Robin Williams tells GQ that he used to pick up Christopher Reeve's sloppy seconds. [R&M]
• Is the city of Miami is paying Page Six for "advice on media coverage?" Two mentions in a single day — we're just saying. [Page Six]
• Tom Cruise denies any involvement in Comedy Central's pulling of South Park reruns mocking the actor as being "in the closet." In fact, the decision was all R. Kelly's fault. [IMDb]

Even after Brad Pitt legally adopted and hyphenated little Maddox Jolie-Pitt, the tyke is still profoundly insecure about his place in the family with his parents' first biological offspring on the way. As a gesture of love and loyalty, Pitt allowed Maddox to give him a matching mohawk, but has yet to agree to his adoptive son's somewhat manipulative request that he and Angelina trade their forthcoming child for a Namibian orphan so that he won't feel "less special when the baby comes."

Perhaps caught up in the excitement from yesterday's Baby Spears High Chair Incident, the web-enabled stalkerazzi at TMZ.com brainstormed other celebrity-offspring-in-potential-danger scenarios, and having rejected items on Moses Paltrow's possible ingestion of day-old bangers and mash and Violet Affleck's theoretical exposure to the radioactive fallout from her father's career, decided to go with a story on what disaster might befall Angelina Jolie's unborn baby in Africa:

• Test audiences want Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn together so badly, producers are reshooting The Break Up so that the two leads don't, er, break up. [Page Six]
• Michael Douglas pulls the denial card, insisting that his disparaging remarks in GQ about Brangelina were misquotes. Or maybe he's just scared of their beautiful wrath. [R&M]
• Hey, remember Jennifer Lopez? Us neither. But she's suing her ex-husband, who's writing a tell-all of their marriage after she refused to pony up $5 million for his silence. Jesus — is it shakedown month around here or something? [Page Six]
• The estranged wife of right-wing billionaire Richard Mellon Scaife goes Naomi on his staff, assaulting his housekeeper, security chief, and "cancer-ridden" secretary. [Lowdown]
• Barbra Streisand refuses to appear on the series finale of Will & Grace, suggesting that Babs has no clue who constitutes her fanbase. [IMDb]

When a GQ profile quoted Michael Douglas as taking a petty swipe at everyone's favorite globetrotting altruists Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ("I don't know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful wife to go hold orphans for Angelina. I mean, how long is that going to last?" were his reported words), it instantly became the diss heard round the world. But the impressively bearded actor has gone on the record with Extra, claiming that the quote was entirely fabricated:

This week's New York magazine wades knee-deep into the Messiah-level anticipation accompanying the impending birth of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's forthcoming biological offspring, the perfect being expected to emerge from Jolie's womb, cut its own umbilical cord, and toddle off into the world to take care of the business of saving mankind. No one stands to profit more from the infant's arrival than the lucky paparazzo who first captures an image of the graced rugrat (assuming, of course, that the new parents don't sell the photo themselves and donate the money to their favorite charity), and one of the photographers plays out the "bleak scenario" that could unfold in the event of a Paris-based (where the couple now has an apartment) birth:

The image at right is not, of course, of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie bringing home the world's sexiest baby. Instead, the disturbing image is from New York's cover story about the paparazzi scramble to score a photo of the forthcoming baby "that Jen wouldn't give Brad" (yes, a celebrity weekly editor actually said that).

Less than a month ago, reporters desperate for Brangelina copy swarmed the shores of Italy's Lake Como, hoping that the couple would show up to George Clooney's villa and oblige the tabloid press's thirst for a "surprise" wedding. But it seems that the globetrotting lovers have recently zigzagged to Namibia, where local journalists tracked them down in short order:

The mere possibility that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie might want to make their orphan-sharing plan a little more official at George Clooney's (that guy again?) villa on Italy's Lake Como has sent the celebrity-stalking press scouring the nearby town for evidence of the supposedly impending, super-secret nuptials. And while the locals are either sweetly naive or playing it coy ("We don't have any bookings under their or their agents' names, maybe because it will be an intimate celebration," Reuters reports a luxury hotel flack as saying, as if the couple wouldn't check in under names like "Rodney Washboard" and "Elvira Hotpants"), reporters find themselves killing time in hopes of hitting the jackpot:

· Seriously, though? Angelina is hot and all, but we're just not gonna trust her to fly our plane. Those two are really asking for trouble.
Now this is a new one: Somebody famous having their *own* rack signed? Pamela Anderson's always been an innovator.
We completely forgot it was Steak and BJ Day. Make sure your loved one observes this important holiday.
Federline's career path seems inevitable: First the stripper pole, then turning tricks on Santa Monica Blvd.
· Lastly, to recap for anyone who won't be bothered to scroll down a little bit, Will Ferrell is still not dead.

A little trash talking and competition between celebrity UN spokespersons is nothing new who could forget that regrettable 1976 gala podium hair-pulling incident between Shirley Temple Black and Audrey Hepburn? but when UN Messenger of Peace Michael Douglas recently took a swat at UN Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie, he took things a step too far, dragging her innocent assortment of adopted orphans and their proud new dad into the ugliness:

• More on HBO's new multi-wived drama, Big Love: If you liked the premiere or just needed more reason to hate it, behold the show's cruel marketing tactics. We'll let you plaster the background of Page Six with your logo, but defiling the Times Vows section is simply unacceptable. What was once pure is now maimed by marketing whores. [City Specific]
• A study finds that bloggers do very little original reporting and, less surprisingly, cable news is the most shallow and ephemeral of media outlets. This has been brought to you by the Captain Obvious Center for Media Research. [NYT]
• Even less original reporting from bloggers today, as we hear that Blogger has been down. We love it when bloggers can't even bitch about being unable to bitch.
• Surprise, surprise: They just might shut down The Falls, where ex-con Darryl Littlejohn worked as a bouncer and was last seen with murder victim Imette St. Guillen. While it's still open, try to have your birthday party there — should be plenty of room for you and yours. [NY Sun]
• Remembering better days, before Angelina Jolie was rescuing orphans and was just another crazy dyke. [Stories You Cannot Tell]
• Mariah Carey buys her own winery — because that's how rich boozers roll. Rest assured, the zinfandel is very full-bodied. [omg blog]
• The best of Amazon, as presented by Andrew Krucoff. [Young Manhattanite]

• Lindsay Lohan and mother Dina bond by watching naked women slut it up in the Hotel Gansevoort's hot tub. All tuckered out from that maternal quality time, Lohan took frequent trips to the bathroom with Nicky Hilton. Just another Monday afternoon, we're sure. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Billionaire and professional divorcé Ron Perelman has allegedly been pursuing a lookalike of estranged wife Ellen Barkin (but, of course, the new version is younger), which is making Barkin behave like a rabid dog. [Page Six]
• Unfortunately, Brian Quintanta — the man who scored a restraining order against Paris Hilton — might be the only person on earth who lies more than the heiress herself. [R&M]
• Brangelina rents a highly-secure apartment in Paris to hold them over while they search for a proper sex fortress in the South of France. [Page Six]
• PETA takes aim at VP Dick Cheney, who just shot his hunting buddy. Republican cronies deserve to be ethically treated, too? [Scoop]
• Shannen Doherty, who cares little for "right of way" or some such garbage, slams her Range Rover into a civilian's car. First Brandon crashes his racecar, and now Brenda does this. It's been a rough couple of seasons. [TMZ]

We're a little bit surprised that a member of the usually profoundly vicious British tabloid press would waste its time fawning over Brad Pitt's parenting skills, but News of the World did just that, praising Pitt for being "completely at ease" with "no awkwardness" while helping adopted son Maddox pilot a radio-controlled car in Paris recently (pictured above). Have they already forgotten last summer, when an eager, attentive Pitt was introducing his little buddy to the exciting world of extreme sports in a pretty transparent attempt to impress Maddox's mom? Now that the thrill of humiliating ex-wife Jennifer Aniston has faded and given way to mundane trips to the park and having to pretend to care about totally boring economic forum bullshit, Pitt could already be disillusioned with his role as family man and might looking for an exit strategy. Unless Pitt perks up and enthusiastically offers to renew his bond with Maddox by taking him out to learn how to hunt Parisians for sport, Jolie might be wise to keep a set of emergency dehyphenation papers handy.