Close call, everyone: a German artist has been denied the ability to perform his piece Death as Metamorphosis, in which he was going to strangle two puppies to death on stage. Despite the horrific, seemingly anti-puppy content, the artist claims he had the noblest of intentions.

Ann Romney is ready to set the record straight about the whole "dog strapped to the roof of the car" business. In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Ann recalled that Seamus the Irish Setter "loved" riding in a carrier on top of the family's Chevrolet. In fact, it would have been far crueler to leave him at a kennel.

Isn't it frustrating when some furry cat goes and leaves its hair all your clothes, complicating your efforts to present a cleaner and tidier You? Doesn't it make you want to just, I don't know, murder the cat with a pen, or choke it, or both? No?

Congratulations, tourists. Your pathetic need to reignite the long-dead flames of your loveless marriages by forcing a sickly, mistreated horse to haul your fat asses around Central Park has resulted in murder.

The Obama administration has launched a new website for people to submit petitions, because, well, the government's broken, so why not see what the internet is up to? And what the internet is up to is, as usual, demanding the legalization of weed.

Meet Shalanon Brooks, the kind of functionally retarded person you encounter frequently in Southern California. Shalanon is the owner of a Pomeranian whom she named "Malibu." (See first sentence.) She didn't just buy Malibu, but was actually prescribed Malibu for "emotional support." (See first sentence again.) Shalanon went to spend a day riding roller coasters at Six Flags Magic Mountain, but when she realized the strap of her Louis Vuitton dog carrying-case had broken, she opted to leave Malibu in her car with the windows cracked open and some water and food. (See— Enh. You know the drill by now.)

Earlier this week, at least 100 animals died at a Johnson City, N.Y. Petco store due to flooding caused by Tropical Storm Lee so severe that it turned the pet store's parking lot into a pond. Evidence strongly suggests that the deaths could have been prevented.

Police raided Florida's Haven Acres Cat Sanctuary (population: 692 fewer cats than they had before), and in doing so uncovered "the biggest case of cat hoarding the Humane Society of the United States has ever participated in." The proprietors of said kitty slum, Pennie and Steven Lefkowitz, are each facing 47 counts of animal cruelty, which includes one for a neglected rooster. All charges are third-degree felonies.

"Birds should not have to suffer for donuts." So argues vegan blogger Annie Hartnett, who has penned a petition protesting a menu offering at Brooklyn's Do or Dine restaurant: the foie gras doughnut, a high-end dessert running $11 per fatted-goose-liver-filled fritter. (To be clear, Do or Dine don't claim to have invented the foie gras doughnut, which has been popping up on restaurant menus around the country for several years.)

A Chicago landlord called the cops on Sunday after investigating a leak and stumbling upon one of his tenants, covered in blood. But he shouldn't have worried! The guy was just performing a little D.I.Y. surgery on his dog. In the nude.

A veterinarian in Grand Rapids is offering a $500 reward for anyone who knows who shot his new friend, Bow the Cat, with a bow and arrow. A what? Yep—as it turns out, this sort of awful thing happens fairly often.

If you think America's criminal justice system for humans is bad, the system set up for sea lions is even worse. For sea lions, just eating too much can earn you the death penalty.

The owl mascot of the Colombian soccer team Atletico Junior died on Sunday after being kicked off the field by Luis Moreno, a player for the opposing side. The owl was first hit by a ball in mid-pass; a refereee stopped the game and Moreno, apparently unclear on proper owl-moving techniques, kicked the animal. "I want to apologise to the fans," he said later. "I was not trying to hurt the owl. I did it to see if it would fly." [Sydney Morning Herald]

Cockfighting is apparently still huge in Texas, despite being illegal for decades and being extremely cruel and all that. The Texas Tribune tagged along with officers from Dallas Animal Services as they busted up a "medium-sized" cockfighting ring.

[Spanish bullfighter Julio Benitez, known as El Cordobes Hijo, falls during a bullfight at the Monumental Bullring during the annual fair in Quito, Ecuador. Benitez was not injured. Photo via AP.]

Did you know that al-Qaeda in Iraq once surgically implanted bombs inside two stray dogs and tried to put them on a plane to the U.S.? Here's how to tell if your dog is a bomb-carrying al-Qaeda agent.

When a video clip of a girl drowning puppies appeared online, 4chan went to work and identified the perpetrator, a girl in Bosnia. The police there tracked her down. And now: she's reportedly getting off without being charged.

A 17-year-old animal rights activist was lassoed and dragged by rodeo riders in Chile last weekend after she and another protester entered the corral and disrupted the Patriotic Celebration Festival. Chilean cowboys take their rodeo riding seriously.

On Monday, this graphic video of an unknown girl throwing puppies into a river appeared online, much to the consternation of internet-using animal-lovers everywhere. But don't fret: The weirdos and agitators of 4chan's /b/ are hot on the trail.

Spectators at the Tafalla bullring in Spain were shocked when a bull tried to escape from the arena and rampaged through the crowd, injuring 40 people. In the video, one spectator grabs the bulls tail.