What kind of science news are you looking for today? Do you want to hear about ancient Greek murder caves? Korean unicorn caves? About those crazy little eyeless fish that swim around in silt-black underground lakes as if to say that eyes are for chumps? You're in luck; all of those things have been discovered this week.

Back in April, North Korea tried to send a rocket into space while the rest of the world was like, "c'mon man, please just don't do that." The launch famously failed after the rocket blew up a few minutes after it was fired off.

Assembling an all-white male team to lead almost all the House committees next Congress didn't go over very well with voters, so House Speaker John Boehner announced today that female lawmaker Candice Miller (R-MI) will be appointed to chair the House Administration Committee.

Movember may be over, but for mustachioed men around the world, facial-hair-themed festivities are a year-round affair.

Every once in a while, a name comes a long that is so fake, so not-real, so obviously made up, that you literally cannot fathom an alternate universe in which it might ever exist.

Susan Orlean's classic Esquire article, "The American Male at Age Ten," opens with the titular boy's description of what Susan Orlean's life would be like if the two were married. They would "both be good at Nintendo Street Fighter II, but Colin would be better." They wouldn't have sex—just crushes—and "magically, babies would appear." For fun, they "would load a slingshot with dog food" and aim it at Orlean's butt.

We've called him a "seed-spilling sex creep," a "pale nerd king," and "a real-life The Matrix extra," so we figured it was about time to talk to Wikileaks founder and megalomaniacal Bond villain Julian Assange. In order to promote his new book, Cypherpunks: Freedom and the Future of the Internet, Assange agreed to a phone interview on the condition that we speak only about the book. I agreed, which was a lie.

A nightclub "spat" turned into third-degree assault charges for actress Lindsay Lohan early Thursday morning after she was arrested outside Chelsea's Avenue nightclub for allegedly striking a female patron.

James Franco, the World's Second Best Entertainment Blogger, officially has the support of NYU, one of his 407 former colleges. The famous blogger/actor's former professor, Jose Angel Santana, filed a lawsuit against Franco last year, claiming he was defamed after giving Franco a "D" in his film studies class. As we noted at the time, the barely passing grade seemed generous considering Franco only attended 2 of the fourteen classes.

Have you seen Silver Linings Playbook? It's pretty good, right? Now close your eyes and re-watch the whole movie in your mind, only this time imagine it with Vince Vaughn and Zooey Deschanel in the lead roles.

Is your main quibble with Downton Abbey that you have never been to Downton Abbey? You're in luck: NBC is developing a spinoff of the show set right here in the U.S. of America. And Julian Fellowes, the Fellowes behind Downton, is writing and producing it.

Failure virtuoso Jeff Zucker—the man who singlehandedly dismantled NBC as an entertainment powerhouse, replaced Friends with likes of Good Morning Miami and Inside Schwartz, lost NBC Universal a billion dollars in ad revenue in just one year, brought a man named Donald Trump to your television screens, and bungled an attempted transition at NBC's Tonight Show franchise with a galactic ineptness that even at the remove of two years continues to strain credulity—is going to save CNN now!

This post was originally published in March and is being reprinted now, with some slight adjustments, because it is still true, you fools.

Bad news if you were planning on having a baby any time soon. Jessica Simpson is having all the babies now, so you'll have to take a number (and numbers 1 – 1000 are Jessica Simpson).

New York City was damn-near Utopian earlier this week when not one report of a shooting, stabbing, or slashing was recorded in any of the five boroughs for just over 36 hours.

A group of military women, all Iraq or Afghanistan veterans, are suing to force the US military to end its ban on women in "direct combat jobs," contending that A) women end up fighting anyhow due to the eradication of "front lines" in modern warfare, and B) the exclusion from formal combat assignments severely limits women's ability to ascend the military's career ladder. So, great. Let them fight!

Yesterday, actor Angus T. Jones appeared in a testimonial for Forerunner Christian Church, asking viewers to "please stop watching" his hit show Two and a Half Men because it's "filling [your] head with filth." While his assessment of his show was certainly accurate, the testimonial had far more to do with Jones's recent conversion to conspiracy-laden evangelicalism (Forerunner Christian Church's mission statement on Facebook: "THE FORERUNNER- is dedicated to proclaiming the TRUTH that you need to know! " TO LIVE & TO DIE FOR THE TRUTH" is the moto [sic], and Jesus Christ is our General. He gives the orders...we put in the work!") than it did with actual comedic taste.

Feeling a bit run down recently? Is your hair falling out or turning gray? Can't sleep? It could be from all those Facebook friends you've been hoarding.

The Associated Press has obtained an "EXCLUSIVE" document purporting to prove that Iran is working to build a nuclear weapon with "more than triple the explosive force of the World War II bomb that destroyed Hiroshima." Behold! The Chart of Doom!

Nanny. Domestic caregiver. Housekeeper. These are some of the most difficult (and often demeaning) jobs in the American work force. How much do you pay your nanny? The national median is only $11 an hour. For housecleaners or "caregivers," the average is only $10, according to the "first-ever national statistical study of domestic workers," which was released today. It ain't hard to tell: domestic workers are in desperate need of a union.