Mystery solved. Frederick Humpries is the FBI agent who helped start the investigation that led to this whole Petraeus affair scandal, but, more importantly, he's also the FBI agent who emailed a shirtless picture of himself to Jill Kelley.

Though he's had plenty of time to reflect on the result of last week's presidential election, GOP nominee Mitt Romney, much like his running mate, is still refusing to admit that his defeat might have had more to do with his own platform than with that of his opponent.

If you speak Hebrew, the Israeli Defense Forces would like you to refer to the wave of assassination strikes it commenced in Gaza today as "Pillar of Cloud," a Biblical reference to the form God adopted in order to protect the Children of Israel and strike terror into the heart of Egyptians. If you speak English, it would prefer you to use the less fanatical "Pillar of Defense."

Jon Bon Jovi's 19-year-old daughter Stephanie Rose Bongiovi (interesting) had a very bad Wednesday morning. TMZ reports that she kicked things off with an alleged heroin overdose, followed by, in a stunning coincidence, an arrest for drug possession.

Following four days of intensive rocket strikes from the Gaza Strip on neighboring towns and villages, and just hours after an Egypt-mediated truce, Israel announced it was launching a "widespread campaign" to root out "terror sites and operatives in the Gaza Strip, chief among them Hamas and Islamic Jihad targets."

A Florida tanning salon owner is believed to have taken his own life after becoming inconsolable over President Obama's reelection.

Papa John's is facing the wrath of their customers, and not just because their Obama-fearing CEO is threatening to cut employer's hours; it turns out the company sent customers over 500,000 unwanted text messages in early 2010. According to the the attorney representing the victimized fans of crap pizza, some customers received 15 or 16 texts in a row, often in the middle of the night.

As you may have heard, noted food expert Guy Fieri opened a restaurant, the appropriately titled Guy's American Kitchen & Bar, in Times Square in September. From other reviews/common sense, we already know it's terrible. Nonetheless, Pete Wells, The New York Times' restaurant critic, decided to review it so we could learn the Times' Official Opinion. Consisting entirely of rhetorical questions directed at Fieri, the review is sort of funny. Here are some of the better lines/questions:

At the end of October, disgraced former Clinton adviser turned Fox News contributor Dick Morris predicted Mitt Romney was going to win in a landslide. "Pollster John McLaughlin and I went through the actual results of the last four elections and on average, the Republicans had 1 percent more than the Democrats," Morris said in an interview with Bill O'Reilly about the New York Times' poll. "So that poll is off by a factor of 8. So instead of Obama winning by 1, Romney would win Florida by 7."

Well, it looks like David Petraeus got himself wrapped up with some real fine folks when he befriended the Khawam family. Jill Kelley (nee Khawam) is the financially troubled Tampa socialite who went to the feds complaining of harassing emails from an anonymous tormentor who turned out to by Paula Broadwell. Her twin sister, Natalie Khawam, is the bankrupt lawyer that a D.C judge has called "unstable," who has been repeatedly accused of lying to state and federal courts, and who, with her sister, regularly took Petraeus' wife on shopping trips. Just a couple regular gals!

The New York Times has just reported that the man who accused Elmo voice actor Kevin Clash of beginning a sexual relationship with him when he was underage has recanted his allegations.

If we learn one thing from the November scandals, it will probably be that no one should ever communicate with another person if they desire sex with them. Especially via email.

Earlier this month, James Dolan's Madison Square Garden Company drew fire when we revealed it was demanding all its New York City-area employees, many of whom were still suffering the damages of Hurricane Sandy, to either report to work or use their vacation time. Today, Dolan's other company, Cablevision, is taking a similar tack when it comes to having sympathy for Sandy's victims.

San Bernardino, California filed for bankruptcy last August. It is a poor city, yes. The economy is bad, yes. But why does one city fail while many others like it don't?

Nearly 70,000 Hancocks have already signed a We the People petition urging the Obama administration to allow Texas to "withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government," but the Lone Star State's governor Rick Perry is not among them.

Dennis Avner, the world-record holder for most body modifications who was better known by his Native American name "Stalking Cat," passed away last Monday, November 5th, in his hometown of Tonopah, Nevada.

Tired of ignoring Donald Trump and waiting for him to fade away, activist Angelo Carusone has decided to take action — specifically, file a petition urging Macy's to sever all ties with the blowhard billionaire, effective immediately.

This scandal just won't quit, will it? The Petraeus affair, which already took a turn for the weird earlier tonight when news broke that an FBI agent was emailing shirtless pictures of himself to Jill Kelley, has now expanded to include another high-ranking military official, General John R. Allen, the commander of U.S. And NATO troops in Afghanistan. According to a senior U.S. defense official, the FBI had uncovered between 20,000 and 30,000 "potentially inappropriate" pages of communication between Allen and Kelley, Petraeus's alleged other other woman and the subject of the shirtless FBI agent's affection.

For whatever reason, people continue to think it's okay to wear headdresses and other Native American clothing as part of their cool new video or Halloween costume or whatever. Two weeks ago, No Doubt learned the hard way that it's racist and dumb to make a video that's basically a "hot" version of Cowboys & Indians; last week, it was Victoria's Secrets turn to offend.

In a new, strange twist to the ongoing Petraeus scandal, it turns out the FBI agent who started the investigation sent topless photos of himself to Jill Kelley, Petraeus's alleged other other woman. The agent in question was apparently a friend of Kelley's and the person she turned turned to after she received the "threatening" emails from Paula Broadwell, Petraeus's first mistress.