Ha: Mazda, the corporate owner of merman Michael Phelps, made Phelps apologize to the entire nation of China for inhaling THC-laden smoke, from a bong. Just imagine the devastating effects that had, on China.

Who took that photo of dolphin-boy Michael Phelps hitting a bong? Who cares? It's no worse than that photo of you in college, licking liquid acid off a naked mule. But the media is investigating!

Kellogg dumped merman Michael Phelps after finding out he smokes weed, even though everyone knows Frosted Flakes are so good, toasted. Now it looks like Subway—also great toasted!—is making the same mistake. [Update: Subway statement.]

So far, so good: Speedo and watchmaker Omega said they're keeping endorsement deals with Michael Phelps, despite pictures of the champion swimmer smoking pot. But he must pretend to quit weed forever.

Oh no, Michael Phelps and the demon weed marijuana! He's going to lose all his endorsements and his motivation, besides! Relax, people. This can all work out to the advantage of his nerd-ass reputation.

Good lord. New York Knicks center Eddy Curry was hit with a shady gay sexual harassment lawsuit earlier this month. And yesterday the mother of his child was murdered, in front of the child.

Ohmigod, in an NYC sports-related tabloid scandal even bigger than the Pedro Martinez cockfighting video—made better by the distinct possibility of being totally false—a New York Knick has been accused of being gay (for dudes!):

Lovable, tobacco-spewing former ballplayer Lenny "Nails" Dykstra is having serious problems at his new ballplayers-with-money magazine Players Club. Proving you don't have to be a media professional to run a magazine into the ground:

Listen, kids: Your dream of growing up to be a famous hockey goon and Vogue intern can all be scuttled by obliquely referring to Elisha Cuthbert as a cum dumpster. Sean Avery has fallen!

A hedge fund founded by three retired football players (including Joe Montana) is shutting down because of poor performance. Strange, because that's just not something you would see coming. You would think a hedge fund founded by retired football players would do really well. [NYP]

Hey Michael Phelps, America is transfixed by your endorsement deals for some reason! The golden fishboy should, by all rights, have fallen out of the spotlight by now. It's been what, like, four months since he won any Olympic medals? Old news. But by god people just love this goofy ass-grasper, so we and the rest of the media will continue to tell you exactly what he is formally recommending for public consumption. Today, the story of how one tiny company swindled the unsophisticated manchild into ongoing indentured servitude:

If we had to list the worst things a celebrity could do in a nightclub in order of ascending dumbness, they would go like this: 1. Bring a gun to a nightclub. 2. Get arrested for bringing a gun to a nightclub. 3. Get shot at a nightclub. 4. Get shot at a nightclub and also arrested. 5. Shoot yourself accidentally with a gun you brought to a nightclub illegally, and then get arrested for it. So New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress truly achieved the pinnacle of nightclub stupidity last weekend by accomplishing #5. And the felony complaint against him shows he damn sure can't claim self-defense:

After he won 84 Olympic gold medals in Beijing and celebrated with a firm grip, Michael Phelps got a little screwy with his endorsement deals. He endorsed McDonald's, which made him seem insensitive to fat Americans who don't spend hours doing swimming drills every day, and he endorsed Frosted Flakes, which, you know, ditto. Some of his other endorsement choices came dangerously close to painting him as a nerd. But he's signed on with Subway now—a healthy choice! Screw McDonald's! But this causes as many problems as it solves for Fish Boy:

Remember in the olden days when pro athletes and Olympians would grace our soft drink ads, urging us to guzzle the nutritionally barren sugar water in order to be a champion like them, cognitive dissonance be damned? Yea, if you listen to athletes now, you are old and laughable. The new (and far more appropriate!) face of Dr. Pepper is a 21-year-old kid who makes a quarter of a million bucks playing video games. Why I never! Lazy kids nowadays! There is simply no way not to sound like some parody of Dave Barry making "these kids!" jokes while writing about this development. But what you need to know is that if you have skills with a Wii controller, you better watch out for the geek paparazzi:

Human fish made of gold Michael "Maikeer Feierpusi" Phelps took his webbed hands and goofy demeanor on Jay Leno's talk show last night. And gave Jay his best ratings in three months! They discussed the usual trite shit, while NBC raked in even more money from this young swimming freak. What they didn't talk about (Tivo confirms): Michael Phelps' recently documented proclivity for aggressive stripper ass-grabbing. Jay, you're leaving so many more viewers on the table here. [Pics at Radar]

Gorgeous George led to Julia Allison. Which is to say, he was "one of the first entertainers to create a faux persona that elicited hisses." The original fameball! George was a pro wrestler in the 1940s, and figured out that being a bad guy could be just as lucrative as being a good guy—and a lot easier. A new biography of GG has just come out, and his crazy life as a body-slamming fop offers plenty of guidance to anyone considering using villainy as a path to fame. Five things to set you out properly on your road to evil destiny:

Hard to believe our nation's star athletes have time to go to the gym and practice jumpshots or whatever, what with all their marketing strategy meetings and reality shows and plotting to invade China like the second coming of opium. Sports stars and their sponsors have known for years that China is the market of the future-"If only 1% of Chinese buy our sneakers, that's $300 million more in revenue blah blah..." just like every other business in the world. But the Olympics have whet athletes' appetites even more. They want to rule China. The question is, why is China letting them do it?

The public irritation with Michael Phelps gathers steam! Instead of being on the Wheaties box like a real American champion, Phelps has signed on to endorse Frosted Flakes. Yes: Michael Phelps wants your kids to choke down these sugar-encrusted corn scabs rather than the high fiber of Wheaties. The papers already found some doctors to condemn him. Though we shouldn't be surprised considering Phelps' addiction to Big Macs, the goofy-ass swimmer really should have been smarter in terms of his image. After the jump, five more idiotic celebrity endorsements that can't be explained by mere logic: 1. Wu-Tang Clan endorses St. Ides Malt liquor advocacy is not a positive move for the knowledge gods. On the other hand, Wu-Tang really doesn't give a fuck.

You would have thought, perhaps, that the embarrassing ad photo of the Spanish Olympic basketball team in the eyelids-pulled-back, "Slanty-eyed Chinese" pose was just a one-off thing. I mean, if they had done this before, they would have had a better apology ready, right? But maybe Asia-mocking is actually a favorite pastime of all Spanish athletes-because their 2008 Federation Cup Tennis team, which beat China to move into the finals, was photographed in the same god damn pose!: Photo from the Spanish Tennis Federation's site:

It was quite an embarrassment for the nation of Spain yesterday when an ad surfaced showing their entire national Olympic basketball team posing in the "Slanty-eyed Asian" position, pulling their eyelids back. We imagine the photo shoot was followed by several minutes of mimed karate moves and Enter The Dragon reenactments, only adding to the awkwardness. So the entire nation of China has been waiting expectantly for an apology. And today they got...outrage that anyone would think Spain is racist! Why, some of their closest friends are from China or somewhere like that!