"This is a tough time for the very wealthy," begins a story about how "ultra-luxury" auto brands are confident that their customers will survive. Meanwhile, the American dream is now "to be a renter!"

Here's something scary that exists: The Automotive Broadcasting Network ("Fueled by CBS"!), which beams soothing, automotive industry-friendly news into car dealerships, so as not to upset the customers. Katie Couric is a GM zombie!

You may be seeing some new taxis on the street in the near future!

Motorists find ads annoying when they are placed on billboards, hundreds of feet away. "Better" idea: why not make them think that your ad is actually vandalism to their car? Yea!

Always wanted to own a President's old car, but haven't been able to find one with a Hemi engine? Now you can buy Barack Obama's 2005 Chrysler 300C for a great price!

In this age of fossil fuel depletion, economic meltdown, and a dying US auto industry, how should consumers pick an automobile? By bowing to the demands of the world's most terrifying screeching red-haired brat:

Hey, there's been a huge auto bailout! In this clip, GM execs show up for a press conference in less-than-crisp suits, their way of screwing American taxpayers again (I think). Smug, guys.

So it's happened: the Montauk Monster has sold out. This Brazilian Volkswagen ad purportedly features a "dogfish," but its true identity is clear. You've come a long way, Monty. Video proof after the jump:

Nobody lives in Detroit any more, and nobody reads print newspapers, so maybe it's not so bad that the few remaining Detroit residents can no longer get their awful papers delivered to their burned-out homes.

We can't imagine why the auto industry is struggling right now: Why, just yesterday, Donald Trump strolled into a dealership in Palm Beach and picked up a Dodge Ram truck! And it's just as good as any car made by a foreign manufacturer, he tells Greta Von Susteren. He then goes on to explain that he usually insists his employees only buy American cars, before backtracking moments later and admitting he buys "both foreign and domestic" vehicles. Good thing, too, because last time we checked, neither Rolls-Royce, Maybach, or Ferrari had been purchased by GM.

Popular gay socialist Barney Frank is trying to run these auto industry bailout hearings in Congress, but he has to spend time dealing with so much unimportant crap. Here he is trying to explain speaking time limits and travel arrangements for today's hearing. One of his snide-ass colleagues chimes in to tell the auto execs that he won't ask about their travel arrangements: "I'm a congressman, not a Conde Nast travel agent." Yea, you wish you were a Conde Nast travel agent, dork. Also, are you calling Barney Frank gay? Click to watch the outrage.

Ford Motor Co. CEO Alan Mulally is a Ford-drivin' man. The humble CEO, who is forced to feed his family on a mere $1/ year salary, announced that rather than taking a private jet like last time, he's going to catch the carpool fever and drive on down to Washington, DC to beg the government for bailout money. Driving himself, in a Ford hybrid car! Has someone been taking our PR advice? We'll say yes! Reportedly, "The Ford road trip would cost about $29, excluding snacks." Cost of snacks: $25 billion. [NYP]

America's failing auto companies continue to Get The Message Loud And Clear about Making Real Changes that will Make America Strong Again. They just really, really need that $25 billion government bailout first, okay? Seriously. GM has already promised to give up some of its corporate jets and order cheaper pencils. And now, a bunch of auto industry types are doing what GM's execs should have done in the first place: carpooling to Washington! Though it may be, objectively, the lamest car pool ever: 1. "As of now, the three executives — Rick Wagoner of General Motors, Alan R. Mulally of Ford Motor and Robert L. Nardelli of Chrysler — are not planning to join the carpool." 2. "Initially, organizers intended to assemble a convoy of numerous fuel-efficient, American-made vehicles to demonstrate the innovation coming from Detroit, but it might end up being more about the people involved than the products. 'From an efficiency standpoint, getting a bus or two would probably be the best way to go.'" 3. "The group is planning a quick trip, perhaps leaving Dec. 7 and heading back late the next day, with no stops for rallies or demonstrations." Two buses, full of auto dealers, on an 18-hour round trip from Detroit to Washington, with no public rallies. But they did get the New York Times to cover it, so hey. [NYT]

Floundering maker of autos GM got slammed for flying its executives to Washington on private jets to beg for a government bailout. They were denied, so now they've decided to cut back on every last unnecessary expense. And today, the company announced that it's going to end its $8 million per year endorsement contract with Tiger Woods. Though GM swears that, hey, this has nothing to do with their desperate quest for a bailout—"the timing...is purely coincidental." (Bullshit, judging purely on outward appearance). Where else is the company cutting costs? Everywhere, starting with the paper towels!:

You thought the only news these days was depressing? Not necessarily! The Port Authority reports traffic at the Lincoln and Holland Tunnels dropped 6.4 percent in October, compared with last year, and traffic fell 4.4 percent at the bridges between New Jersey and Staten Island. Much of the decline, of course, can be explained by the thousands of people who have lost their jobs in financial services in recent months. But if you're looking for cheery news to brighten your day, you can probably assume that some percentage of the dropoff consists of oiled-up dudes from New Jersey or Staten Island who have been having second thoughts about cruising around Manhattan in a white Hummer limo with neon trim on Friday nights. And in these tough times you've got to take the positive news anywhere you can get it.

So it's MotorExpo this week, the fancy British car show that's making its New York debut this year. Where is it being held, you ask? At the World Financial Center, which just so happens to serve as the headquarters of Merrill Lynch. A "black Rolls Royce with a sticker price of $350,000 was parked directly outside a main entrance to Merrill Lynch... the bull in the company logo looking out at the car almost forlornly." [NYT/City Room]

Unfortunate news for Rolls-Royce owners who enjoy announcing to the world that they're driving a car that costs as much as a house in most parts of the country: "That ultimate symbol of brand and luxury, the automotive hood ornament, seems to be nearing the end of the road." [AdFreak]

Sad news for Hamptons residents looking to blow $350,000 on a Lamborghini this summer: Manhattan Motorcars Hamptons, the dealership in Westhampton Beach that caters to the rich and even richer, may lose its right to sell the insanely expensive autos in the near future. In June, Lamborghini's parent company, Automobili Lamborghini SpA, informed the dealership that they were no longer using the Lamborghini name with permission. (The legal threat was prompted by Manhattan Motorcars' move to a new location, one which Lamborghini, it seems, didn't approve of.) Now Manhattan Motorcars is fighting back. It's slapped Lamborghini with a $20 million lawsuit for breach of contract, among other things. The court records—and messy details—are below.

There's no question the auto industry-particularly the US auto industry-is currently in the toilet. There's also no question that bad times for the auto industry lead to cuts in car companies' advertising budgets, which hurts the print and broadcast media outlets that reap billions from automakers every year. That's not news to anybody. What is news is the revelation that prospects for the print media have grown so dim that they are now celebrating the fact of declining auto ads, as proof that they're at the mercy of temporary business cycles beyond their control. Wow, that's sad: Newspapers nationwide lost more than $130 million last year in auto ad sales. Car ads have gone from 10% of national newspaper ads, to less that 3% in just three years. That's terrible by any standards. Magazines are experiencing a similar decline. So how to put this disaster in a good light?

Well, it's been a year or two since the corporate world started its "green" advertising revolution, and it's worked. The problem is solved! The problem being the fickle consumer's desire to hear companies talk about how "green" they are. "After 18 months, levels of concern on any issue tend to drop off," explains one marketing wizard. Now we can all sit back and feel good about what we've accomplished! The earth is still destined for environmental ruin, but at least we'll be subjected to less marketing bastardization like this: