If you are a member of the savvy “millennial” generation you stand for two things: authenticity, and hipness. And you know god damn well in your little black hearts that no bank is more authentic—and hip—than Bank of America.

Vice is a company that would like you to think it is cool all of the time. In fact, Vice is only cool when it does stories about Ebola and stuff. It is not so cool when it tries to be the cool face of Bank of America, which would like to rip you off.

Nelson and Joyce Coniglio have come out victorious in a harassment suit against Bank of America. They were awarded more than $1 million this week after the bank made 700 automated calls across four years.

Following the death of an overworked, epileptic Bank of America intern last August in London, the bank yesterday sent a memo to employees instructing analysts and associates to spend at least four weekend days per month away from the office. Generous.

Five years out from the financial collapse, one would almost expect that we wouldn't still routinely be finding out about ways in which banks like Goldman Sachs and Bank of America manipulated financial markets in order to essentially pillage the American economy. Alas!

Outsourcing is a time-honored American tradition. First, you had a job. Then your job was given to someone, somewhere else, who could do it cheaper. But what if instead of a low-wage worker in China, you were replaced by a low-wage worker in Florida, who was sitting at a desk, staring into a camera and doing your old job by video? Then you'd be a bank teller.

A business student who was a week away from completing a seven-week internship at Bank of America was found dead in his dorm late last week after reportedly working until 6 AM three days in a row.

Bank of America posted a 63% gain in second quarter profits today, making it the fifth big bank to announce huge earnings this week. Fear everything.

When the banks got bailed out, people were reasonably upset — why should huge corporate banks be given public money to recover from the disaster of their own greed and incompetence? Others argued that letting those banks fail would send the economy into a further tailspin. Either way, it happened, and that was that. The banks weren't going to get even more public money, right? Not exactly.

The U.S. government is suing Bank of America for one billion fucking dollars, claiming BOA ran a fraudulent and destructive mortgage program during the height of the housing boom. That'll really stick it to... your pension fund, which is invested in BOA stock! Well, at least it's something to cling to. A tiny sliver of hope for justice. A glimpse of the sweet taste of revenge, to tide your over in your remaining lifetime of penury.

According to a recent class action lawsuit, Bank of America has been illegally withdrawing money from bank accounts set up for child actors. Apparenty, there's a statute called Coogan's Law, named after a former child actor who would later play Uncle Fester on the original "Adams Family," which requires employers to set aside 15 percent of a child actors' gross pay in a trust that's only accessible once the kid turns 18.

A Bank of America branch manager claims she was ordered to rob her own East LA bank after masked gunmen kidnapped her and strapped a device they said was a bomb to her stomach.

Arthur Livingston, 39, maybe "alive" in the "technical" tense. He is "breathing" and his "biological heart" is "beating." But he's not alive in a much more important sense: his bank has declared him dead. Since May 2009.

Last year, Bank of America tried to sneakily, oh so sneakily, instate a $5 fee on debit card users. Outrage ensued, and the idea was scrapped. But you didn't think that BoA's insatiable need for sweet, sweet money was just going to disappear, did you? There are plenty of new, sneakier fees they will hit you with.

Would it be good optics for President Obama to deliver his convention speech at Bank of America Stadium, in order "to sell more skyboxes to wealthy donors"? Nope, not really.

Regulators have been picking on Bank of America—telling the poor bank that it needs to get stronger, or else they'll enforce "intensified scrutiny" (monitor its Facebook use) and "greater restrictions" (no television after 9 PM, less hanging out with its cool friends). Or some bullshit.

The New Yorker's Malcolm Gladwell just wrapped up a three-city tour shilling for Bank of America and delivering "actionable advice" to its customers.

Remember credit default swaps? AIG? Hopelessly entangled exotic financial instruments tied to esoteric asset valuations that caused cascading defaults in 2008 and threatened to tank the global financial system unless taxpayers ate all the losses? Remember how we reformed Wall St. to make sure that never repeated itself? Someone tell Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan, and Morgan Stanley, because they've teed the whole damn thing up again, this time in Europe.

Now Sun Trust and and Regions Financial have joined Wells Fargo and J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. in deciding that charging customers debit card fees on purchases is a stupid idea, the Wall Street Journal reports. This makes Bank of America the only loser bank among America's largest loser banks to keep its $5 fee plan. Way to stay strong, guys!

Be sure to send a congratulatory greeting card and $5 to your friend Bank of America, which has just posted third-quarter profits higher than last year's. About $6.23 billion! Not a bad showing. However, J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. has surpassed them in assets, so those upcoming debit card fees are still necessary if you want Bank of America to stay in business and keep producing jobs.