Here's the latest chilling Obama campaign video, "What if...?", which warns of what will happen if supporters don't start donating, knocking doors, or handing out pamphlets and stuff starting right now.

As certified by his physician, President Obama is "tobacco-free," just like an herbal cigarette. He weighs a healthy 181 pounds, is physically active, eats healthy, and "on occasion drinks alcohol in moderation," which makes him a very bad Muslim.

Not recreational drugs, which are in seemingly endless supply, but about 180 medications used to treat cancer, bacterial infections, and other serious illnesses. It's the dysfunctional marketplace's fault again! The marketplace doesn't care about your cancer.

First, the bad news: Tuition at America's public colleges has increased by 8.3 percent over the past year. Now the good news: Your college degree is still worth every penny. In your dreams, I mean! In real life your degree is worth exactly one penny.

The first lady let it slip in a recent interview that the president doesn't want the Obama girls tuning into Keeping Up With the Kardashians. So what is it about the show (well, besides everything) that bothers him so much? Jay Leno tried delving into the president's anti-Kardashian position on Tuesday's Tonight Show, but beyond admitting that he's never even seen the show, Obama wisely avoided any remarks that could have risked alienating the Kardashian voter base.

The Obama campaign has finally launched a Tumblr, like years after the cool people got theirs. The first entry asks readers to "share the latest chart you saw that made you go 'woah.'" Dumb cat photos would be better.

The President stunned the nation on Monday when, after arriving in Los Angeles at 4:30 p.m., he directed his motorcade to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles — a West Coast favorite that melds the two greatest foodstuffs known to mankind into one, crispy-skinned, syrup-smothered, hybrid foodstuff that defies all logic and mealtime expectation. He ordered the No. 9, the "Country Boy," which includes three chicken wings and a waffle, and enjoyed his takeout — brupper? suckfast? — in the limo with his aides. Deeelicious. The First Lady, meanwhile, quietly wept into her arugula patch. [LAT, Photo via AP]

On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart cheered President Obama's announcement last week that he'll withdraw all remaining U.S. soldiers in Iraq by year's end, a date originally set by President Bush in 2008. So it was strange for Stewart to see many big-name Republicans, like John McCain and Michele Bachmann, using their weekend to condemn Obama for sticking to a plan that he hadn't even crafted, one that ends a war, no less.

Today's edition of Parade magazine features an interview with Republican presidential candidate/sultan of Texas Rick Perry, who says he went out to dinner with bloviating birther Donald Trump and now isn't totally sure if President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii or Kenya or on Mercury or what. Donald Trump is that persuasive.

Today we heard the exciting news that Barack Obama is writing personal checks to people! Terrific, we're all rich! And just what might we expect the president to say to us in his money-giving letter? One commenter knows.

President Obama announced that he'll pull (very nearly) all 41,000 remaining U.S. troops in Iraq by the end of the year, fulfilling his earliest campaign promise and finally wrapping this whole debacle up. This is fine news.

Are you poor and homeless and starving and sick of trying to fix things through the usual channels, which are all broken? Fear not! There may be a secret remedy that you haven't considered: President Obama's personal checkbook. Because he'll occasionally send personal checks to struggling people who write him with their horror stories. Just make sure to include all the gritty details.

Top Republicans are starting to weigh in on Muammar Qaddafi's death and one consistent theme is quickly emerging: Barack who?

Some wacko has been spamming the internet with death threats against the Obamas, and various congressmen, and David Letterman. Google shows this guy's life must be largely spent on writing internet death threats.

The judge handling the Lindsay Lohan case forces her to clean up after dead bodies. Rihanna settles a lawsuit with the photographer she ripped off. Demi Moore is too damn skinny and Kellan Lutz comes out (as straight). Wednesday's gossip is calling in sick.

President Obama's reliance on a teleprompter to deliver big speeches has long served as fodder for his political opponents. So the news this morning that a truck carrying the presidential podium had been stolen was ready-made material for late-night TV hosts like, say, Conan O'Brien, who aired this video tonight to demonstrate what happens when the president is forced to go it alone.

President Obama is confronted with difficult decisions every day. Should we send troops into the Congo? How can Congress be pushed into action on his jobs plan? Should Malia and Sasha be allowed to watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians?

A band of Virginia thieves apparently stole a "truck filled with President Obama's podiums and audio equipment," including his infamous teleprompter. You can learn something here, Republicans! Don't bother trying to defund Obama's toys, just steal and resell them.

With tens of thousands of people occupying the streets, squares, Citibanks, and other public places of America to demand economic human rights for all, the dedication of a memorial to Martin Luther King Jr. seems like good timing—even if the memorial itself is kinda weird.

President Obama is sending a total of 100 troops into central Africa to help a resistance movement fight the Lord's Resistance Army, a rebel group known for committing atrocities across the continent.