Pretend presidential candidate Donald Trump released his "birth certificate" to wingnut rag Newsmax today to prove that he's an American citizen, unlike Barack Obama. That was nice of him. But where's the real birth certificate? Because this... this thing, this piece of paper with bullshit scribbled all over it, is simply not a birth certificate. Just look at it. This is definitely not a legitimate birth certificate. If it were real, it would be real. Where's the birth certificate, Trump?

One of the all-time Top Five, or really Top One, Barack Obama conspiracy theories is back in the news! Did you know that Barack Obama's terrorist friend, former Weather Underground member Bill Ayers, secretly ghostwrote the president's memoir, Dreams From My Father? This story has been around for several years and still comically emerges from time to time, like right now. The wingnuts have caught Ayers "admitting" that he wrote Barack Obama's book, again, when he was clearly making fun of them for ever believing something so stupid.

President Obama will finally deliver an address tonight on the current bomb-everything campaign being waged in Libya. It may just be vague rhetoric about the moral need to prevent a massacre without addressing the more granular elements of day-to-day strategy and on which one of those specific days it will end. But if you start bombing a country, you should give a single address of any sort to the folks who pay for those bombs.

On tonight's Real Time, Bill Maher declared that Republicans believe in "being against everything [Obama] is for" and "must nominate for 2012 a man who is the exact opposite of Obama." He even created one for them! Meet Karab Amabo.

Democratic Rep. Dennis Kucinich acquired plenty of attention this week when he floated the idea that President Obama committed an "impeachable offense" by starting a war in Libya without congressional authorization last week, before flying to Brazil for a few days. Where in the Constitution, Kucinich asked, does it allow the president to jaunt off to Rio without even inviting Dennis Kucinich? And what about the "starting a war without telling anyone" thing, too?

We are shocked—shocked—to hear that the University of Kentucky is under attack from a racist sign-maker, who has been leaving "juvenile" notices around campus that refer to President Obama using a racial epithet. The first was found hanging from a door in the law school building on March 15; on Thursday, a law student found a sign stuck to a bus stop reading "How Do You Spell Nigger? OBAMA," which is both hateful and factually incorrect. Ingeniously, the sign was composed of letters "cut out from a menu, glued to another piece of paper and photocopied," meaning we may never know the identity of Racist Sign Guy or Gal, and therefore never have the chance to say "what is your deal, man" to his or her face. [Lexington Herald-Leader]

The obsessive semantic argument over what the United States and certain U.N. allies are "doing" in Libya really needs to stop. "War," "limited military operations," "freedom fighting," "paying off the defense industry," whatever. "We are shooting targets in Libya with missiles," is what the White House should say if it doesn't want to say anything. It's phrases like these, though, that just keep the confusion alive:

Poor beleaguered Barack Obama returned home from a business trip to Latin America only to find the doors to his office locked. Video shows the president whistling away while he tries locked doors and is forced to seek another way into the house. Staffers apparently didn't know the president was coming home so early or something. Uh oh guys, clean up the puke and get the keg out of the bathtub! [ABC15]

Donald Trump went on The View this morning to spread his birther nonsense and talk about potentially running for president in 2012. When Barbara Walters pushed for an answer of whether or not he could win he says, "I definitely think I could beat Obama." Really, Donald? Really?

Fat asshole Karl Rove, who helped design and maintain the most contemptuous and opaque presidential administration since Richard Nixon's, loves transparency now that a black Democrat is charge. So he's launched a clearinghouse for documents obtained through the FOIA.

On tonight's Late Night, best guest ever Brian Williams stopped by for a chat with Jimmy Fallon. When the subject of conversation switched to Libya, Fallon got uncharacteristically angry/political and began bashing President Obama and his lack of communication.

Eric Schmidt has already expressed interest in a book deal and a TV show. But is politics where he's actually headed after his stint at Google is up in April? Rumor has it Obama is "close to naming" Google CEO Eric Schmidt as Secretary of Commerce. This would be an OK idea as long as Schmidt never opens his mouth or offers his weird opinion on anything. Maybe he'll know how to help Obama boost productivity by spying on idle workers in Google Street View.

President Obama spoke from the White House earlier this afternoon to give some details about that minor U.S.-supported military intervention in Libya authorization the United Nations passed yesterday. He probably didn't want to say anything, but he's jetting to Brazil this weekend and felt he should throw American citizens a bone about the possible third war we're entering.

Donald Trump is still a couple of months from his self-imposed deadline — during sweeps week — on making a presidential candidacy decision. So let's keep humoring him! Today, he pretended to be a birther.

Just when you thought he was too busy to deal with anything else, especially something with annoying culture-war implications, Barack Obama went and published an op-ed in this past Sunday's Arizona Daily Star to start a conversation on gun reforms. That does not mean, as he anxiously rushed to note in his column, that he wants to take everyone's guns and repeal the Second Amendment. He just wants "commonsense" reforms, of some sort. Unfortunately, this political process starts by reaching out to the NRA, and guess what? The NRA does not give a fuck about Barack Obama.

Libyan rebels were pushed out of the oil town of Zawiyah today under a heavy assault by pro-Qaddafi forces on the ground and in the air. Things aren't looking too good for the rebels right now: They've lost a lot of momentum, and President Obama, though he's stuck with the "Qaddafi must go" line, has refused to offer any real support to rebel forces. All he would say in a press conference today was that when it comes to U.S. military actions, whether it's a no-fly zone or other options, you've got to balance costs versus benefits. And I don't take those decisions lightly."

One of the questions President Obama fielded at this morning's White House press conference concerned the treatment of Pfc. Bradley Manning, the alleged Wikileaks leaker who's being held, and many would say abused, in military custody. ABC News' Jake Tapper, namely, asked Obama about chief State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley's candid claim that Manning is being "mistreated" in a way that's "ridiculous and counterproductive and stupid."

There was an anti-bullying conference today, where everyone talked about the importance of protecting America's dweebs and losers. (Kidding: Everyone is special in their own way.) During a speech, Obama said he was bullied as a kid for looking funny and being different. From CNN:

On the day President Obama was inaugurated, he promised to close the detainment center at Guantanamo Bay in one year's time. That never happened. Yesterday, it was announced that Obama would resume trials at Gitmo! Here's Jon Stewart's take.

Here's how all those "spotted" items get in gossip columns: celebrities eat at restaurants, restaurants tell their PR people, PR people call gossip columnists, and—voila!—"Celebrity A was spotted at Restaurant B last night." But what if the restaurant is a shitty chain eatery, and the "celebrity" is a 13-year-old girl whose father decided to get into politics and who has never taken an affirmative step toward establishing her own notoriety? Same thing.