Just like a Us Weekly cover story in super fast motion, Snooki is not only pregnant but she is also engaged. It's all the life milestones at once! Then why is she being so cagey about it?

"Snooki's Getting Married" is the headline in In Touch Weekly, the tabloid you buy when the supermarket is out of People, Us Weekly, Star, National Enquirer, and even OK!. Except there is absolutely no truth to it.

After Hoboken banned Jersey Shore stars Snooki and JWOWW from filming their spin-off series there, they finally found a home: Jersey City. And they're going to be living in an old fire house.

In Touch: "Lady Gaga‘s boyfriend of six months, Taylor Kinney, has told her to check her alter ego at the door when she's with him… he has no desire to live with a stage act." Why can't she just be normal. God. It's like she wants to be an outcast. Freak.

Peaches Geldof is pregnant. The 22-year-old heiress-model-fame-a-ma-bob—known, among other things, for a pornographic one-night stand with a Williamsburg meathook enthusiast—is engaged to fetus father Thomas Cohen, the super-kissy gentleman pictured here.

All of us working stiffs who have to report to the office on this slowest week of the year hate those people who are on vacation this week, right? And who could we hate more than celebrities, who are on vacation every damn day of the year? Well, here they are rubbing our noses in their beach vacations and lives of luxury. What assholes. Let's make fun of them, shall we?

Singing dust speck Justin Bieber was pulled over for the third time this year in Los Angeles, and let off with a warning for the third time this year. Even cops are beliebers, apparently.

Lindsay Lohan's Playboy issue hits newsstands this week, amid widespread disappointment. Over the last six years, every part of Lindsay has been photographed repeatedly. (Her latest nip slip occurred this morning.) Now presenting Lindsay Lohan: A Portrait of the Starlet as the Sum of Her Private Parts. NSFW after the jump.

Every day, celebrities across the world are followed and photographed by the omnipresent paparazzi, often to entertaining results. Here are some of our favorite shots from the past week.

Did you read Ben Brantley's rapturous (and rather eloquent) review of Hugh Jackman: Back on Broadway in the times today? He totally calls Hugh Jackman gay. Like he pretty much flat out says it. The paper just did the same thing to closet-case Anderson Cooper. Is this a new trend?

Every day, celebrities across the world are followed and photographed by the omnipresent paparazzi, often to entertaining results. Here are some of our favorite shots from the past week.

Every day, celebrities across the world are followed and photographed by the omnipresent paparazzi, often to entertaining results. Here are some of our favorite shots from the past week.

Every day, celebrities across the world are followed and photographed by the omnipresent paparazzi, often to entertaining results. Here are some of our favorite shots from the past week.

Kristin Cavallari feuds with the Kardashians. (Fingers crossed for mutual destruction.) Beyonce debuts her 2008 wedding dress. George Clooney's 11-year-old co-star calls him out. Thursday gossip throws the gauntlet.

Happy Sexiest Man Alive day, everyone. That is the day when People magazine announces who their hottest hunk of the year is. This time around it's Bradley Cooper. In his honor, here's a whole gallery of shirtless famous people we think are sexy, for no good reason other than that we know you're pervy.

Throwaway husband Kris Humphries goes into the jewelry business. Michael Bublé calls Kim Kardashian a "bitch." Leonardo DiCaprio turns 37. Kristen Stewart on her Twilight premiere dress: "Well, it's purple and it's a gown." Tuesday gossip is addicted to fame.

Every day, celebrities across the world are followed and photographed by the omnipresent paparazzi, often to entertaining results. Here are some of our favorite shots from the past week.

Lindsay Lohan completes another stint in jail. Kim Kardashian flies to Minnesota to couple counseling with Kris. Avril Lavigne's bar brawl leads to a black eye, a bloody nose, and a split-open head. Monday gossip is a caged bird flying free.

Every day, celebrities across the world are followed and photographed by the omnipresent paparazzi, often to entertaining results. Here are some of our favorite shots from the past week.

Kim Kardashian is getting divorced after only 72 days. That's only two and a half months. Apparently celebrities are especially susceptible to being married for very short periods of time. Here are some that were so short they make Kim's look long, and some that lasted a bit longer and make Kim's look short, sort of like when she'd stand next to her future ex, Kris Humphries.