Flight of the Conchords' Jemaine Clement, who clearly didn't learn anything in celebrity school, attempted to disperse the crowd that had gathered around in New York on Monday by splashing everyone with water. Only to have himself splashed back with hot chocolate. [images via Bauer-Griffin]

What hath Charlie Sheen wrought?

A pregnant ex-girlfriend materializes and turns Ryan Phillippe's life into a soap opera. A mystery starlet's cocaine video will make Miley Cyrus' bong "look like a Disney movie." A group of teen girls break into Justin Bieber's hotel room. Tuesday gossip has arrived.

Lindsay Lohan hyperventilates and calls the paparazzi "animals." Someone is selling a sex tape of Usher. Charlie Sheen misses his son's birthday party. Britney Spears reunites with K-Fed at her son's baseball game. Monday gossip sucks and blows.

Police raided Charlie Sheen's house last night looking for weapons after he was seen brandishing a machete from his balcony earlier in the week. He claims it wasn't his and it belongs to the "guy [he] was having a meeting with." Sorry, Charlie, that excuse didn't work when my mom found my bong when I was in high school and it's not going to work now.

Charlie Sheen says he's "ready to call anyone for help," but is this just another senseless rant, or has his mania abated? Lindsay Lohan's maybe-stolen necklace hits the auction block. Amanda Seyfried gets Botox at 25. Wednesday gossip crashes into a deep depression.

Hey bitches and Kath-eters alike, I'm the new intern at Gawker. Here's my first journalistic assignment. Enjoy these photo captions. Oh, I'm on an Ambien, Adderall & the world's last remaining Quaalude.

Penelope Cruz is perhaps not a fan of her brother's new girlfriend. Charlie Sheen may be in contempt of court. Zac Efron might have caressed a gentleman caller's hand. Friday gossip lacks certainty, but makes up for it with dirt.

New York is full of actresses right now, some of them relaxing, others working. But all of them, as we've interpreted from these paparazzi photos, are thinking about Ashton Kutcher. First up is Natalie Portman who, while waiting for a cab, remembers what it was like filming No Strings Attached. [Splash]

[Real Housewife of New York Kelly Bensimon in New York yesterday. Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

[Brilliant political interviewer Naomi Campbell on vacation in the Adnaman Sea. Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

[Famous actor Brad Pitt goes through LAX security. Image via Bauer Griffin]

[Actor Hugh Jackman playing with balls in the snow. What? Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Italian-American groups are using MTV's decision to send the cast of Jersey Shore to Italy to revive their protest of the show. Really? They're still going on about this?

Madonna's brother worries about her love life. Lindsay Lohan is "completely over the club scene." Justin Bieber's toy-begging technique caught on tape. Ronnie Specter says Snooki stole her 'do. Monday gossip craves young blood.

[Sarah Jessica Parker on the New York set of "I Don't Know How She Does It." Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

[Singer Janet Jackson goes through airport security at LAX. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[Actor Matt Damon carrying lasagna for a scene in We Bought a Zoo, directed by Cameron Crowe. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[A man walks by Reese Witherspoon as she leaves a restaurant in LA. Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

[Sharon Stone leaving the Ritz in Paris. Photo via Bauer-Griffin]