beverages

POM Juice Not a Magical Elixir After All, Huh

Hamilton Nolan · 01/17/13 10:43AM

Were you one of those people who was always up in the grocery store with your husband or whatever saying "No dear trust me this POM juice is definitely worth $69.99 for this eight-ounce serving because, honey, listen, it is so amazing for your health, I read about it, trust me." WERE YOU? Well, you were wrong, unsurprisingly, and now the whole world will know about it.

We Must Drink More Milk, America

Hamilton Nolan · 12/11/12 11:20AM

Today comes the most shocking and demoralizing report on the evolving taste of the American consumer since we discovered that kids these days are sellouts: Americans, it seems, now consider themselves to be "too good" to drink milk—despite clear evidence that it does a body good. Shall we just shoot mom and poison the apple pie next, to get it all over with?

Your Frappuccinos Are in Danger

Hamilton Nolan · 06/01/12 11:43AM

Smooth move by thinspirational pro-ana billionaire Mike Bloomberg: he'll ban big huge sodas that poor people drink, sure, but don't worry, people who actually vote and/ or donate money to political campaigns—your precious huge syrupy Starbucks quote sweetened coffee beverages unquote will be safe, because they contain milk.

America's Diet Mainly Consists of Soda

Hamilton Nolan · 05/16/12 10:10AM

Soda: the fizzy plague. The nectar of diabeetus. The bubbles of death. The artificial flavors and colors of tongue fun. Americans are drinking less soda these days, what with the undeniable public realization that that shit is poison, and the associated social shaming that goes with being a poison drinker. And thank god for that. But to be clear: you, Americans, you fools, still drink way too much poison swill of doom (soda).

Jihad Against White Coca-Cola Cans Succeeds

Maureen O'Connor · 12/01/11 12:30PM

Our long national nightmare of coke cans looking different than usual has ended: Coca Cola has announced that it will scrap this year's white holiday-designed cans, and return to "time-honored red" next week. Why? "Sacrilege."

The New Trendy Drink Everyone But You Already Knows About

Adrian Chen · 06/21/11 03:33PM

Apparently there's this tea that people are drinking now called Rooibos tea. I've never heard of it before, but no doubt all of you have and will now berate me for not being on top of the latest alternative beverage trends.

Whiskey Now Comes in a Can

Maureen O'Connor · 01/17/11 01:39PM

A Latin American booze distributor now sells "dram in a can," 12 ounces of whiskey in one vessel. That's eight shots, so they're marketing it as "the perfect size to be shared between three people." Scottish whiskey makers are outraged.

'Dude, I Got It. The Name!'

Hamilton Nolan · 05/29/09 03:34PM

Pussy™ Energy Drink: "Pussy is a 100% natural drink. No nasty chemicals and nothing manufactured."Pussy is Jonnie Shearer's vision. He set up from his bedroom at 21 and launched in June 2004." You can't go wrong, copywriting-wise. Pussy's not available in America, sadly. [Here, via Copyranter]

abalk · 06/06/07 01:15PM

When he's not busy writing stories about masturbation incidents that end up with intestines being sucked into swimming pool drainage systems, Chuck Palahniuk likes to relax with a nice glass of Scotch. [Copyranter]