Eight bottles of perfume/cologne and the eight celebrities to blame for unleashing them on the naive public: Recognize the hands or the shapes of the bottles? The answer key after the jump.

An associate of Jann Wenner says the Us Weekly owner-rumored to be ready to sell the title to a magazine group such as Condé Nast-isn't so attached to the celebrity weekly. It's vastly profitable but doesn't really understand the modern pop culture from which Us Weekly plucks its stars. The source tells today's WWD: "It's not really his world, not like Rolling Stone, a world he instinctually understands." But just how clueless is the 62-year-old former hippie, who founded Rolling Stone at the age of 21 after dropping out of Berkeley? His minions joke that Wenner's musical evolution ground to a halt some two decades ago. He's never quite figured out that Us Weekly staple Beyoncé has one of those accents at the end of her name. Wenner refers to her as be-yons, much to colleagues' amusement. One hopes he doesn't refer to his hoped-for buyer as "cond-nast".

Coming in at number two right after Lesbian Chic on the list of 2008's hottest celebrity trends is the slim fast phenomenon sweeping the pounds off Catherine Zeta-Jones' ass, Britney Spears' arms, and pretty much every inch of co-starvation partners Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham. But of course, when Queen of Female Mind Control Oprah Winfrey puts in her two cents on the dieting front, every housewife and Oprah wannabe begins taking dutiful notes on how exactly she'll take a few pounds off this time around. And according to a piece in the NY Daily News, Detox is the word. From Gwyneth and Beyonce to Ralph Fiennes and Vince Vaughn, these four varieties of temporary "cleansing" yourself are the current diet du jour. And of course, the question is: does it work? And more importantly, is giving up our nightly vino and succumbing to regular colonics worth looking like a lollipop head? Which celebrities are using which method, and visual evidence of their results, if any, after the jump.

• David Lauren, the Jewish fashion scion barred from Jenna Bush's wedding, hit on some other woman while girlfriend Lauren Bush was at the nuptials, so grandpa and grandma Bush were totally right about him being a non-commital dirty old man, according to the right-leaning Post. This piece of gossip sounds like a total slam dunk. [P6]

Singer Beyoncé's fashion collection, House of Deréon, is pushing a new kids line, for which it created the ad pictured at left. The reviews are rolling in, and they go a little something like this: "I don't know about you, but the words 'fuck me pumps' and 'pre-schoolers' do not need to go together in the same sentence." Taking racy pictures of underaged girls seems to be the fashion of the moment. Beyoncé is just staying on the cutting edge! But at least Miley Cyrus had a track record of sexual photos before her controversial Vanity Fair shoot; these girls are, what, five or six? And, more importantly, however will Annie Leibovitz take edgy pictures of them when they reach the next break in the celebrity pipeline if they've already been dressing like this for ten years? Larger photo of the ad after the jump.

• Paris Hilton was banned from at least one Hyatt, in Moscow, for scribbling her name on the wall in black marker. But it was for a very important picture of Paris looking hot (at left, via the Sun), so it was totally worth the $9,000 fine. [Sun]

Isn't it crazy that the BIGGEST MYSTERY OF OUR TIME—whether or not hip hop/ R&B royalty Jay-Z and Beyonce actually got married last week—hasn't been officially solved yet? On Friday you guys were sending us all those tips about the crowd around Jay-Z's building for a rumored wedding, but we still don't have confirmation! The onstage yammerings of Mary J. Blige about the "wedding" are just not as good as a publicist's statement. And today the Daily News shows Jay-Z with no wedding ring on! What are all those so-called journalists doing these days? Elsewhere, gossip types say Beyonce is pregnant already. That would mean they had sex! We demand the national media drop everything and confirm this story, even if it means drawing every last reporter out of Iraq and stationing them throughout the Marcy Projects. Priorities, people.

• An anonymous caller told George Clooney about his new girlfriend Sarah Larson, "Dump the bitch before you're sorry." Clooney got his off-duty-cop chauffeur to have the call traced, but it was made from a pre-paid cell phone and they can't figure out who bought the phone. Also, the Sun found a supposed ex-boyfriend of Larson who said Larson had "special love potions."

Hey, so yes, you, you, and you, and also you, have noticed that there's a bunch of paparazzi and police and all that down on Hudson and Canal. That means Jay-Z and Beyonce are getting married right now! Or at least that's the rumor. Maybe he's just giving some sort of charity concert, did anybody even think of that? Well if you're down there, go sneak in for us and send a full report. [NY Mag, pic from Joe the tipster]

• Probably trying to dispel rumors she's about to divorce Guy Ritchie, and also drum up more publicity for her new album, Madonna overshared about her sex life to magazine Elle, saying screwing Ritchie is "amazing," even though both husband and wife sleep with BlackBerrys under their pillows. Elle pics are here. (Photo: Vanity Fair via Daily Mail)

Step aside, Ghost of Marlon Brando. Hit the bricks, Bobby DeNiro. The newest disciple of Constantin Stanislavski's renowned Method acting technique is none other than Miss Foxy Cleopatra herself, Beyonce Knowles. Fresh off of her exciting and unexpected upset of Kanye West in a heated match of Connect Four, Beyonce arrived on the set of Cadillac Ranch this week determined to regain all of the buzz that Jennifer Hudson usurped from her in Showgirls Dreamgirls. In fact, she's so dedicated to making her performance as Etta James shine that she's taken to staying in character both on and off the set. As this Media Take Out tipster reports:

· Jason Reitman will direct Jim Carrey in Pierre Pierre for Fox Atomic, a "politically incorrect story centers on a self-indulgent French nihilist who transports a stolen painting from Paris to London." The challenging role will require Carrey to stretch as never before, with several scenes written to be spoken through the ass in fluent French. [Variety]
· Seth Rogen, meanwhile, is attached to Warner Bros.'s Observe and Report, about "a deluded, self-important head of mall security who squares off in a turf war against the local cops." We don't know why. We just think he can do this. [Variety]

Soul diva Aretha Franklin tried to teach everyone about "Respect" forty years ago, but that was before a certain young hussy named Beyoncé Knowles was even born, so now an unschooled Beyoncé has gone and called a singer other than Aretha Franklin a "queen." Oh yes, she did, and as far as anyone can tell Beyoncé is still miraculously alive, probably in hiding somewhere without access to a decent stylist or personal trainer or even her furs. Given the gravity of the situation, Franklin realized it was necessary to issue a statement to the national press reminding everyone that she is the "Queen of Soul" while the hussy Beyoncé is someone who drums up "a cheap shot for controversy." After the jump, video of the impostor queen as introduced at the Grammy Awards by the blasphemous liar Beyoncé.

Jay-Z and girlfriend Beyonce seem to be Apple fans. No surprise there: Plenty of musicians use Macs. What is surprising? Jay-Z was in one of those Hewlett-Packard "hand" ads last year touting HP laptops. At least Tiger Woods actually wears Nike. Catch the ad after the jump.

You just never know what's going to set someone off, and for us—oh boy, here come the waterworks!—a smile on the face of Kanye West after finally kicking Beyoncé's booty in a marathon Connect Four competition was all it took. In a blog post entitled "THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT," his first statement since his mom's sudden death following cosmetic surgery in November, the commander-in-chief caller-outer describes the godsend of vertical checkers therapy:

• Did Beyonce get a nose job? What and how and why, why? [Splash News]
  

Because we know that every glimpse—no matter how brief, barely detectable, or obscured by low-quality video pixellation—of a famous person's accidentally revealed breasts adds five years to your life, we direct you to this video of Beyonce's dress flying up at a concert. Maybe you'll feel a little dirty as you click the replay button that ninth time, but promise yourself that you'll use those extra four decades on earth to atone for your perviness and those feelings will quickly subside. [HollywoodTuna]

• Concert mishap-prone diva Beyonce Knowles accidentally flashed her tits to an audience. And this had her lookin' so crazy, etc. [Hollywoodtuna which, actually, just typing that makes us feel gross]
  

As far as we know, the Jews don't, generally, have an obesity problem—if anything it's too much in the other direction!—but there's a new industry that could change things. The Kosher Vending Industries company recently installed its first "Hot Nosh 24/6" vending machine at a hospital in New Jersey. For the first time, the Jews can get a hot knish on demand! Or mozzarella sticks, pizza, and onion rings! And soon, hot dogs! (What does G-d have to say about meat and milk being in the same vending machine?) Not that the food looks that appetizing! Oh, and also, if you see Beyoncé chowing down on a hot knish soon, there's a reason.

Justin "Dick in a Box" Timberlake and Beyoncé "Fistful of J-Hud's Hair" Knowles receive the greatest number of nominations for the upcoming MTV Video Music Awards, the nework's tribute to a once-vibrant art form long ago annhilated by 24-hour Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Yo Momma! marathons. [Yahoo News]