As far as celebrity memoirs go, Bobby Brown's upcoming The Truth, The Whole Truth, And Nothing But seems atypically packed with good, sound advice. From teaching readers that girls nicknamed Superhead are probably only good for one thing to lessons on how to take advantage of a major star's bad press in order to marry them, Brown is a regular Velvet Jones when it comes to dispensing words of wisdom. Even when it comes to his well-documented problems with cocaine, Brown is able to find a simple solution to dodging responsibility — just blame Whitney Houston!

• Blogger Perez Hilton is claiming he made out with a bisexual John Mayer. This disturbing visual comes a few days after singer Mayer posted a long rambling thing to his blog "about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog... who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man." [Perez] (Photo via Perez)

There's lots of things Bobby Brown should be in denial about: The drunk driving, the spousal abuse, the prison time, the Ghostbusters 2 cameo. Yet, that stuff makes it to the press and he basically keeps mum. The ex-Mr. Houston only draws the line when it comes to his thrombosis. Despite the fact that his own lawyer told the AP Bobby suffered a mild heart attack due to stress and diet, Brown claims it's all a joke:

• Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, and their sons Jayden James and Sean Preston are all currently afflicted with pinkeye. [TMZ]
  

· Are things getting a little testy between Joy and Whoopi? Maybe we're reading too much into some rude interruptions and a couple of possible stink-eyes, but we could be looking at the beginning of a Hasselbeck/Rosie kind of dynamic developing on The View. It's been way too long since blood has been spilled on that set.
· It took much longer than we anticipated for Bobby Brown's heart to break after losing Whitney.
· Esquire names its Sexiest Woman Alive (Until Next Year), prompting Maxim to retaliate in a rather uncharitable fashion.
· Nora Ephon has made us rethink everything we thought we knew about egg-white omelets.
· NBC's perfect storm never mises a chance to work a party.

We were sufficiently convinced that it sucks being Bobby Brown by Bravo's televisual testament to the fecal-based triumphs and tragedies of his unholy union with Whitney Houston. Never one to rest on his pathetic laurels, however, Brown has decided to fight a judge's April ruling that dissolved his marriage and awarded full custody of doomed spawn Bobbi Kristina to Whitney, on the grounds that he is merely a selfless giver screwed over by a wicked teen-napping succubus:

Brace yourselves for heartbreak, because Al Qaeda may be targeting one of our proudest national treasures: deranged, pooper-scooping love clown Bobby Brown. Osama Bin Laden once allegedly wanted to rip off Bobby's infidel wang and stab him in the heart with it for daring to possess his fondest lady love, Whitney Houston; aware of the powerful hold Houston's doodie-bubbles can have over a man, the divorced Brown is apparently convinced he's still Enemy No. 1 and has beefed up security on his Australian tour, according to Rush & Molloy:

• Dina Lohan is being sued for fraud. No, it has nothing to do with her "former Rockette" claim. [Page Six]
  

• David Hasselhoff is just exhausted, so much so that he fell asleep during a televised interview. He says he hadn't been drinking, just popping ludes. [AHN]
• Bobby Brown faces arrest after failing to pay child support to the mother of his first child. Considering his gravy train just filed for divorce from him and he's asking for cars instead of appearance fees, we're thinking that cash isn't going to be showing up anytime soon. [Reuters]
• The Chinese can be relied upon for two things: food and spit. Regarding the latter, Animal magazine is looking for your spitting-Asian pictures, presumably for some sort of expose of the saliva-flecked streets of lower Manhattan. [Craigslist]
• After finally agreeing to count cab drivers, New York's population is revised upwards to 8.2 million. [Crain's]
• The U.S. finds a new method of torture: having detainees at Guatanamo eat 4,200 calories per day. [AP]
• After all that crazy Jew-starving, what's better than a cookie and a Frappucino? [AOPJLH]
• Chevrolet is SO FUCKING AMERICAN. And Stephen Colbert, don't steal that line. [Jalopnik]
• Know your downtown hotels and avoid them. [HotelChatter]
• Wait — bloggers aren't above the law? Crap. [USA Today]
• Jason Calacanis unfamiliar with common male desires, libido, and/or heterosexuality. [Valleywag]

• After breaking up with her boyfriend Harry Morton, rabid starlet Lindsay Lohan enlisted Paris Hilton's ex, Stavros Niarchos, in a complicated plot to make Morton jealous and win him back. Her scheme? Be photographed together. Lindsay, you brilliant minx! Too bad it didn't work. Meanwhile: the Chateau Marmont is finally getting rid of Little Miss Liability. [Page Six]
• Fox News DC bureau chief Kim Hume stepped down last week, supposedly because her husband, Fox News anchor Brit Hume, is an arrogant prick. The two bickered so much that they both independently called head therapist Roger Ailes to complain about one another. [R&M]
• A court throws out David Gest's $10 million lawsuit against his ex-wife, Liza Minnelli, after he's unable to prove that her beatdowns caused him chronic headaches. [NYDN]
• Disappointed to learn that he has no money without Whitney Houston, a ride-less Bobby Brown asks television producers for a new car in exchange for appearing on urban cable network One. [Lowdown]
• Don't buy that tweed blazer from Ralph Lauren; it probably has bedbugs stuffed in its sleeves. [Page Six]
• Star Jones sues the National Enquirer for claiming that her husband, Al Reynolds, is gay. Why is she inexplicably determined to continue the charade for no good reason? Unless, God forbid, she actually doesn't know about Al. [TMZ]

All you slavishly devoted husbands out there currently digging petrified doodie bubbles out of your crack-addled spouses' butts (and yet somehow managing to simultaneously read this post), we suggest you stop what you're doing and extract your probing digits immediately: No, not even that level of impaction-loosening servitude guarantees that your wife won't eventually leave you.

In fairness to Whitney Houston, if our sister-in-law had sold a picture to the National Enquirer of our bathroom before we had a chance to tidy up the freebasing paraphernalia, celebrity glossies, screwdrivers, empty Budweiser cans and Newport packs, you might well jump to the conclusion that we're a bunch of bottomed-out crack whores, too. (You'd be right, but one can never assume.) Tina Brown, Bobby's sister, tells the Enquirer she was Whitney's "drug buddy" for months, but their Thelma & Louise-on-crack adventures started to wear thin once Whitney started spending "days locked in her bathroom amidst piles of garbage, using sex toys to satisfy herself and ignoring personal hygiene." Poor Bobby: Everything we saw of him in Being Bobby Brown indicated the guy's just trying his hardest to be a good dad, a task not made any easier when you're required to explain to your kids that mommy missed their birthday dinner because she had an "important appointment with Dr. Spoon and Prof. Needles."

• Vanity Fair decides that its pre-Golden Globes party is the new VF Oscar Party, particularly because Naomi Watts showed up without beau Liev Schreiber and was overheard asking for "nice, single guys." Doesn't that TOTALLY make you want to go subscribe to the magazine? [Page Six]
• Bobby Brown has been heard saying that he and Whitney Houston are getting divorce. While Brown is no catch, we're thinking he's probably tired of carting his wife in and out of rehab while manually relieving her of her constipation. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Michael Jackson can molest all the kiddies he wants, but when he starts molesting kittens and puppies, PETA's got to get involved. [Scoop]
• Halle Berry wants to get knocked up ASAP, Brittany Murphy gets engaged to some random coffee-fetcher, Andie MacDowell is wedding a used-car salesman, and the logic of the universe just totally crapped itself. [R&M]
• Page Six finally catches on to Vincent Gallo's website (baby steps!), in which he writes about his sperm in the third person. [Page Six]

With a celebrity's best interests always being the guiding light behind anything they ever publish, a concerned National Enquirer has released photos of a cracked out Whitney Houston making a 4 a.m. candy bar run at an Atlanta gas station. According to The Inside Track, the Enquirer reports that Whitney's "voice is shot from years of cocaine abuse," and that she and husband Bobby Brown are "running out of money." Good for all of us, then, that their Bravo series Being Bobby Brown, that loony bin of reality pleasures that introduced "dig a dootie bubble" and "hell to the no!" to the popular lexicon, is reportedly back for another season. The downward spiral of BBB Season 2 will be just what we needed to fill the suicidally-self-destructive- celebrity-voyeurism-as-entertainment hole that's popped up in our TV viewing schedule since Breaking Bonaduce went off the air.

We know that your mind immediately jumped to Bobby Brown, but as wife Whitney might say, "Hell to the no!" Not this time, anyway.

· Bill Clinton asked to pose with Barenaked Ladies. [Page Six]
· Condé Nast staffers invade Scores for "research purposes." [Page Six]
· Anti-SUV activists Arianna Huffington, Lawrence Bender, Ari Emanuel, and Laurie David have no problem with gas-guzzling private jets. [Page Six]
· Paramount chief Sherry Lansing may be leaving. [Cindy Adams]
· VH1's new reality show follows b-list celebs in rehab; Bobby Brown is wanted by Georgia authorities for violating bond by performing at the American Music Awards; and My Big Fat Greek Wedding star Nia Vardalos responds to a reporter who suggests she's a role model for women who aren't skinny by saying that Russell Crowe and Jack Nicholson are fat, but "nobody ever talks about that." [NY Daily News]