There’s a long tradition of parents rubbing whiskey on their babies’ gums to soothe teething pain. Pediatricians don’t recommend it, but it seems like American adults survived it relatively unscathed. Putting booze in a baby’s bottle, though, is a whole other thing.

Amazon, the modern-day Moloch Machine that makes it perilously easy to buy a $75 Natalie Imbruglia single while blackout drunk, revealed a plan on Tuesday to remove the bleary-eyed middleman and bring the stupid juice directly to their customers’ doors.

The owner of a French bar is facing charges of “manslaughter by willful neglect” after a patron took 56 shots of liquor in one night to break the establishment’s posted record. The 57-year-old drinking champ later died at home of a heart attack, and his daughter says the bar owner had been cheering him on.

Last time on Manhattan’s Drunkest Brunches, daytime cocktail peddler Pranna was at risk of losing its liquor license after its Madison Avenue neighbors complained about customers’ belligerent, bottomless-mimosa-soaked antics. A notable incident involving a drunk NYU student who claimed to be the heir “half of fucking Manhattan” certainly wasn’t helping their case.

What is the saddest thing? Possibly: a heroic lion mascot in a cape who has become too drunk to stand and collapses on the soccer pitch, his giant fuzzy head lolling and falling off in his hands. Underneath, he is only human, like the rest of us. He is also drunk, like the rest of us.

People who buy stocks in alcohol, tobacco, gambling, or (new!) marijuana companies are said to be investing in “vice”—traditionally a good way to earn premium returns in exchange for being a morally bad human. Who are these successful bastard investors?

Fed up with his teenage daughter repeatedly stealing his favorite cookies, no matter where in the house he tried to hide them, a British dad concocted a plan for revenge. While searching her room for signs of his missing snacks, he found she had a special stash of her own—a bottle of foul, store-brand vodka. Only one thing to do, the vengeful dad wrote on Reddit:

What sort of people tend to die from alcohol poisoning? If you said "idiot college students," shut up—you're wrong, and drunk.

American icon A Handle of Fireball Strapped to a GoPro was the most popular guest at a debauched wedding earlier this year, and now guess who's coming to Christmas? That's correct, it is A Handle of Fireball Strapped to a GoPro. Deck the halls with mounds of vomit.

Based upon beer and liquor company advertising, you might imagine that the US booze industry primarily sells its products to suave, attractive 20-somethings on the beach. In fact, it primarily sells its products to alcoholics.

Meet the new King of Wales, Will Williams. He recently consumed an entire bottle of Jack Daniel's in just shy of 15 seconds, which, I'm given to understand, entitles him to some kind of sword-in-the-stone style claim on the monarchy that supersedes the current hereditary system. And makes Wales independent, for some reason. Congratulations/sorry, Wales!

Two passengers who had allegedly consumed a "significant quantity" of alcohol caused a Sunwing flight from Toronto to Cuba to return to the airport under a military escort after they smoked in the bathroom, tripped a fire alarm, got into a fight, and made a "threat against the aircraft."

According to a newly released decades-long study of thousands of Americans found that people who qualify as heavy drinkers... well, it said something about them, I'm fairly sure of that.

That stately looking fellow above is Wayne Ronayne, former mayor of Gosport, Scotland. Yesterday, he stepped down from the position after he and his wife were banned from every single one of the town's 36 pubs. Ronayne held the mayoralty for just 40 days before his resignation.

Introducing Palcohol, the world's sneakiest and most efficient way to get drunk. This week, the U.S. Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau approved the powdered booze product, and its makers hopes to unleash it on an unsuspecting public this fall.

Kids these days and their sophisticated, sellout millennial tastes—who knows what the hell they like? Not good old-fashioned beer brands such as Corona Light™, that is for sure. Corona Light™ has had it with trying to impress these kids!

No disrespect to people in foreign countries, but they are approximately the world's biggest suckers, when it comes to believing things about America. No, all Americans are not cowboys; we don't all own guns, and work at Disney Land; and we certainly don't make any good wine.

After a period of recession during which Americans were drinking less beer, Americans are once again drinking plenty of beer. But the millennial generation is not drinking enough beer. That is where a multibillion-dollar international brewing conglomerate's marketing team comes in.

Alcohol plays a large role in everyone's life. We use it to clean our many wounds, and we add certain percentages of the stuff to our gasoline, within certain states where that's required by regulations. Some of us even drink alcohol, for pleasure or otherwise. But you can count me out of that last group. For all of this year, so far, I have been "on the wagon."

The top officer in charge of all the United States' land-based nuclear missiles was fired last July for unspecified reasons. Yesterday, the Air Force released a report detailing why he was relieved: He used a four-day mission to Moscow to get pickled, get sexy and party like a rock star.