Rudy Kurniawan, an "all-star" in the world of incredibly expensive wine, is on trial for allegedly making millions of dollars selling counterfeit wine to rich people. Let's pull for this heroic political prisoner to beat his case.

I hope you're happy, you disgusting animals.

For ages, dreamers, alchemists, mixologists and other enthusiasts have fantasized about a better world—a world where drunkenness wasn't accompanied by hangover, nausea or liver damage. Now, one scientist says he can make that dream a reality. Behold: the age of the "alcohol substitute" is at hand.

Lah dee da, look at you, Ms. Classy, sipping on some wine, right out of a wine glass. No pulls of Popov straight from the bottle for you! Only the best, when it comes to drinking. The fact is, ma'am, you are drunk. And no wonder. You have no idea how much you're drinking.

An empty bar is best. You just pick a seat where there's light enough to read, and the bartender comes right over. Then there are the busy nights, when people crush around the bar three deep and getting a drink seems impossible. What kind of supernatural skills are necessary for getting a cocktail on a Saturday night?

America, as a nation, is as drunk as it's been in a long, long time. We are seriously fucked up. We have a problem. It was bad enough when we were guzzling mouthwash and rubbing alcohol. Now, we've turned to something even more revolting: "whipped cream vodka."

Those of you who were fortunate enough to attend a high school with white, rural, male students will be unsurprised to learn that white, rural, male high school students are wasted. So, so wasted.

Wal-Mart wants to become the world's biggest beer seller.

Beer-swilling Americans, globally regarded as the very Platonic ideal of refinement and taste, are renowned for their refined palates. They certainly are not the type of people to sit around on the back bumper of a pickup truck and drink themselves senseless on literally any form of alcoholic liquid no matter how disgusting while ranting about unfavored sports teams. So it is newsworthy to report that this group of gourmets is now being enticed to drink their beer out of a humble can.

"Operation Swill," a New Jersey investigation into bars scamming consumers by substituting cheap alcohol for quality booze, turned up one watering hole selling rubbing alcohol, caramel coloring, and other filler as scotch.

From the 21-year-old drinking age to the .08% blood alcohol level now recognized nationwide as evidence of being drunk, the threat of losing federal highway funds has kept America's states from straying on booze laws. So get ready for the .05% drunken driving conviction.

People who are uneducated boors generally assume that college is little more than a four year-long fraternity party during which the main activity is drinking vast quantities of intoxicating liquor. That's not true at all; it takes many frat boys six years to finish college. Haha, but seriously folks, I'm not very drunk at all right now—thanks to college.

Which country on earth parties harder than any other country? YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE ABOVE HEADLINE.

The average British person is too drunk to know how drunk he is.

Exciting month for Anheuser-Busch. First, they convinced Marcus Mumford-collaborator Justin Timberlake to become the "creative director" for Bud Light Platinum. And now the company is being sued by beer drinkers in three different states for allegedly watering down its beer. The lawsuits, filed in Pennsylvania, California and New Jersey, accuse Anheuser-Busch of watering down 11 of their beers, including Budweiser, the aforementioned Bud Light Platinum, and Black Crown; each lawsuit is seeking damages of over over $5 million.

Last week, Maker's Mark faced a public backlash after announcing they would lower the alcohol content of their whiskey to meet increased demand with a limited supply (read: they think you can't handle your liquor and it's starting to get really embarrassing for all of us). They changed their minds in a Facebook post this afternoon:

What can save a declining beer brand? Drunker customers.

If you're the type of consumer who seeks out "vintage vodka," you are probably dumb.

For three long, cold years, the hardworking men and women in the beer industry have had to hang their heads, in the knowledge that we Americans have been buying less, and less, and less beer, ever since 2008. Soda? Sure, we can't get enough of that sweet stuff. But beer? Good old-fashioned mass-produced alcoholic gut-swelling, cirrhosis-inducing beer? We just haven't been interested. Until now.

According to a CDC study, which I am very qualified to interpret, one out of thirteen pregnant women are boozing it up. And out of that group of lushes, one in five are getting hammered, which the CDC not-so-euphemistically describes as binge drinking (or having four or more drinks in two hours).