· FamilyMediaGuide.com, online home to the naughtiness measuring Howard Stern Shockulator, tallied 68 f-bombs, 34 assholes, 17 cocks, and 10 cunts in Stern's first day on the job at Sirius. Eh, that shouldn't be too hard to top by the end of the week.
· Just so that you know, Billy Crystal says he was offered the Oscar hosting gig before Jon Stewart. He'd hate for you to think that the Academy got its first choice.
· Brad Pitt does sort of look like a monkey, though they probably could've dug up more compelling photo pairs if they spent a couple of more minutes on searching images on Google.
· While we languish at our regular keyboard all day, our buddies at Jalopnik are running amok at the Detroit Auto Show, and Fleshbot is recovering from a weekend at the AVN pornopalooza in Vegas.
· We just can't believe in any edgy writers anymore, can we? Tomorrow's news will probably unmask Dana Delaney as the true author of Bruce Wagner's novels.
· And is Macaulay Culkin writing his own books? God, we hope so.

No sooner had we accepted the dreary reality that this town was downright free of surprises and goodies 'til the new year, what should appear beneath our Defamer non-denominational electrified seasonal shrubbery but a shiny, wrapped PrivacyWatch sighting of Zelig-like, proud new adoptive papa Brad Pitt! With child!

• We're glad the strike is over for myriad reasons, not the least of which is sparing us from thoughtless, insipid articles about how poorly we dressed just to stay warm. We're sure it was easy to pen crap like that from the comfort of your town car — did Daddy get you that job at the Styles desk? [NYT]
• Nothing a little anal bleaching can't fix. [CNN]
• The only difference we can think of between chick-flick staples Dermot Mulroney and Dylan McDermott is that we see one of them on the street all the time. The, uh, Irish one with the dark hair. [Fametracker]
• Of the five finalists for Jersey's new state slogan, "Love at First Sight" strikes us as the most misleading. [WCBS]
• Brangelina are rumored to have purchased Yves St. Laurent's $25 million Normandy coast summer home, where they will have wild, French animal sex. [The Daily]
• We're sorry, but a sorority just isn't a sorority if it calls itself "feminist." And sisterhood just isn't sisterhood unless you go down on a SigEp first. [Salon]

NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove continues his self-fashioned holiday tradition of annually banishing one oversaturated boldface attention-whore from his gossip kingdom. Last year was a well-deserving Paris Hilton, and this year, the honors go to none other than noted adopter-of-the-refugee-orphan-stars, Brad Pitt. Grove lays his crimes out methodically, but it's Pitt's Single White Female-esque behavior that we found particularly noteworthy:

• While you were limping up and down Broadway and losing digits to hypothermia, rest assured union leader Roger Toussaint was enjoying a leisurely two-hour meal with six cronies at a nice restaurant. Would you be any less livid if we noted the restaurant was in Harlem? Yeah, didn't think so. [Page Six]
• Last year, Lloyd Grove banished Paris Hilton from his column and went on the Today show to tell the world. This year, he's banishing Brad Pitt, but you won't see Lloyd on TV to talk about it — perhaps because he is making a very, very grave mistake. Put down the pipe, G, and get it together. [Lowdown]
• Don't get in a tizzy about OK! editor Sarah Ivens sucking face with ad exec Ben Kennedy — she's been separated from her husband since October. Suck freely, liberated lady! [Gatecrasher]
• Broke-ass Courtney Love is looking to sell the entire song catalogue of her late husband Kurt Cobain and Nirvana. Those of you still mentally stuck in Seattle circa 1993 are no doubt displeased. [Page Six]
• Elton John continues to call Madonna a miserable cow. You'd think legally sanctioned assfucking would mellow him out a bit, but you'd be wrong. [Scoop]

Illustrator Tom Umbarger recently hopped in his time machine, snatched this Christmas card from atop someone's mantel, and returned just in time to share the merry Yuletide wishes of America's favorite improvised family with all of us. We'd assumed that since Maddox is getting his punk phase out of the way so early in life that he'd move on to something else (Goth, perhaps?) in his teens, but the kid's obviously no toddling poseur. Even more unexpected is Pitt's transformation into a character actor and Jolie's disturbing foray into Meg Ryan territory.

We at Defamer realize some members of our readership may still have some disposable income left after buying out all the inventory in our t-shirt store, and we're committed to keeping these prized consumers informed of Hollywood's hottest retail deals. We've received word that bleeding-edge celebrity trend purveyor Kitson has slashed prices on its remaining inventory of Cambodian orphans (the much more popular "Zahara" line of Ethiopian babies sold out weeks ago—sorry, no rainchecks!) in hopes of finding the adorable, overstocked tykes (pictured above; mohawk kit sold separately) suitably fashionable homes before the holidays. As a special bonus, the first dozen shoppers to mention Defamer will also receive a "Team Jolie" tote bag, free of charge!

• Irish slutbunny Colin Farrell checks into rehab for "exhaustion" and an addiction to prescription painkillers. The pills were reportedly prescribed to him after he threw out his back, presumably from humping every chica in Miami. [Page Six]
• The fine fellow who claims to have Jenna Bush's ID after she left it in Chinatown inferno Happy Endings just happens to be a coke dealer. Bless this Bush twin for helping our local economy! [Radar]
• Are Brangelina shopping for a few architectual finds in Los Angeles? Reportedly they're looking at two homes for $10 million. [Lowdown (bottom of page)]
• But model Jenny Shimizu — who famously had a passionate tryst with Angelina Jolie — knows that not even Brad Pitt's architectural dilettantism can touch the depths of the ladies' sapphic love. [R&M]
• Madonna believes that if she were a man, she'd be president. She'd have to lose the faux-accent first, though. [Scoop]
• Proving their sense of humor to have no limits, Page Six refers to Star Jones's husband Al Reynolds as "manly." Manly like a big, thick beard. [Page Six]

· It's like the first three minutes of Sluts on a Plane, the best porno movie never made: Two cops arrive to arrest a pair of drunken, belligerent Playmates who've just terrorized the passengers of a two-hour plane ride with their intoxicated antics...the slurring vixens make "sexual advances" to avoid charges...and then get arrested anyway. That's why it'd never get made.
· No, it seems that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie did not get married in Florida today, no matter what that radio DJ there said.
· Someone finally stepped forward to help Lindsay Lohan out with her appearance-cancelling digestive problems. Also, here's a pic of Lohan teaching A Prairie Home Companion co-star Meryl Streep the finer points of lip-syncing.
· At least it's not called Trading Races.

"I've got a few men I respect very much and one would be Frank Gehry," Brad Pitt told Vanity Fair, regarding the world-reknowned architect whose shiny Dr. Seussian creations, such as our own Walt Disney Concert Hall, have become arguably the most admired and spoken about structures of our time. The two are reportedly "close friends" as well as teacher and apprentice. Newsweek sat down with Gehry recently, and asked him about his unlikely confrere:

Before the adoptions, before the Pakistani relief efforts, even before the official divorce, there were the pictures: our first unimpeded glimpses of the sexual sorcery sparking off "just friends" Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Steven Klein's W magazine pictorial the one that would famously "appall" Jennifer Aniston was pornography for mid-century modernist aficionados, styled to within an inch of its existence, and shot entirely inside a desert Camelot somewhere in Rancho Mirage. Now, that dream can be yours, for a buck shy of $3 mil:

Late Friday, Brad Pitt's publicist executed a classic, "issue a press release and run like hell for the safety of the weekend" PR maneuver, dropping this bomb about her client's decision to hyphenate Angelina Jolie's growing refugee brood:

• Rush and Molloy report that Jude Law and Sienna Miller are seen sucking face at Balthazar, while Page Six claims the two were having a screaming match outside the very same venue. Balthazar brings out a range of emotions in us, too.
• Angelina Jolie has nabbed herself a Cambodian citizenship and is spotted house-hunting with Brad Pitt in D.C. — finally giving our nation's capital a connection to pressing world issues. [Page Six]
• Crazy-ass Joaquin Phoenix now says he might leaving acting altogether. Is there any length he won't go to to promote Walk the Line? [Scoop]
• Jared Leto and Lindsay Lohan might not be such a hot item, as Leto was spotted with a hot blonde. Keep the faith, Lohan — Jason Lewis still loves you. [Page Six]
• Is Page Six darklord Richard Johnson the Inconsiderate Cell Phone Guy? [Lowdown]

It should be said that when she isn't shouting marching orders from her palace balcony to a sea of tiny Cambodian fists raised skyward, Angelina Jolie takes her role as U.N. goodwill ambassador very seriously. After attending a recent briefing with Brad Pitt, the couple announced to reporters they would be travelling to Pakistan to raise much needed awareness to the plight of quake survivors unprepared for the coming winter. But enough with the boring logistics tell us, Reuters, what were they wearing?

It's been a losing battle for Jennifer Aniston to veer her recent spate of promotional interviews towards the topic of her new movie, the aptly-titled Derailed. Instead, she is predictably bombarded with endless questions about the obvious subjects: Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn, Vince & Brad, Brad & Vince, plus the occasional curveball (Jake? Oprah?). In order to make sense of it all, a heart-healing round-up:

The LAT finds itself knee-deep in Boom Boom today, unearthing further details in the recent sale of landmark Laguna Beach gay bar The Boom Boom Room, which we noted Wednesday. While the involvement of airplane tycoon Steven Udvar-Hazy (so rich he has a Smithsonian building named after him) is undisputed, it's the widely rumored Brad Pitt and George Clooney-stake in the enterprise, and their subsequent denials, that has added a patina of A-list curiosity to your otherwise run-of-the-mill "greedy corporate breeders VS. pop n' pop shop" conflict. A little history:

· Care Bear John Lesher leaves Endeavor to run Paramount Classics, hoping what he lacks in experience he can make up for in hugs.
· Ashlee Simpson earns her Doctorate in Public Asshology at a Toronto McDonald's.
· Yo, Trop: You got served! (With a lawsuit claiming racism.) Yo, Omar Sharif: Ditto!
· Warner Bros. lets the pink slips fly on Big Harry Potter Payday Eve.
· Brad Pitt and George Clooney have reportedly bought themselves a little gay bar to call their own, which they subsequently deny, deny, deny.
· A truly frightening Halloween: Bunny Paris hops over to the Playboy Mansion with various things stuck to her ass, as does Jeremy Piven, who also makes an appearance at Rick Rubin's bash dressed as a Bruce Lee with a black-belt in satisfyin' the ladies [SFX: Gong].
· Donald Trump's frank sex-talk causes the Great Baby Draught of 2006.
· Cameron Diaz insists acting-deficient boyfriend Justin Timberlake get a pivotal voice-over role in Shrek 3, causing DreamWorks' Jeffrey Katzenberg to plan a hit.

· Dear God! Some horrible monster in a fuschia sweatshirt swallowed Janet Jackson!
· We seriously doubt that access to Vincent Gallo's sperm is so precious that it's worth a million dollars, even if Gallo is (as he claims) "drug, alcohol, and disease free" and (ahem) "multi talented in all creative fields."
· Things never change, do they? Brad Chases Snapper while Jennifer Tackles Infidelity.
· Radar retrofits the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale with Katie Holmes-specific answers. It's more fun than a handful of Paxil!

Brad Pitt and George Clooney, perhaps a little exhausted from their Las Vegas casino plans, are thinking smaller. Taking their cues from what countless other aging, well-to-do couples have done before them, the two have gone to Laguna, bought a gay bar and plan to spruce the place up into a delightful bed and breakfast [sub. req'd]:

· Edward Norton and Brad Pitt will produce a 10-part miniseries for HBO and National Geographic based on a Stephen Ambrose book on Lewis and Clark. Norton will direct at least one of the episodes, with Brad Pitt set to pretend he'd heard of Lewis and Clark before he was presented with the project. [Variety]
· 20th Century Fox TV signs Antoine Fuqua to an exclusive television directing deal, hoping that the director can translate some of the magic of King Arthur and the last half-hour of Training Day to the small screen. [THR]
· CBS wins a "fierce bidding war" for the sitcom Class, about a "group of eight twentysomethings who were all in the same third-grade class 20 years ago. Most of the group doesn't keep in touch or even remember one another. They're brought together again by happenstance when one of them throws a surprise anniversary party for his girlfriend — whom he met in the third grade." High concept enough for you? No? Bam: There's "no one living room where they gather." Welcome to the age of the multiple-couch sitcom. [Variety]
· Not to put too fine a point on it, but ABC continues to make all Sunday night competition its bitch. [THR]
· Gwyneth Paltrow will star in The Good Night, a film directed by her brother and shooting mostly in London, mercifully keeping the Bride of Coldplay away from America for a little while longer. [Variety]