· For the sports fans out there, there's some good shit going on at pigskin-punishing brother Deadspin today, like pictures of Super Bowl-bound Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger drinking like a champion and correspondent AJ Daulerio trying his best to piss off the publicists who are trying to keep him out of parties.
· Ever wonder who's inside the rubber wrinkles of that really annoying Six Flags guy? Wonder no more.
· Brad and Angelina...Sonic Youth fans?
· Oh come on, Mr. Judgmental, like you've never tried to nail a Canadian tranny before!
· And while you're at it, try and tell us that you don't experiment with meth when you're bored.

According to the AP, Liu, "didn't speak to the media as she visited the disaster zone with UNICEF, the U.N. children's agency." Maybe because she's ashamed that she's like totally biting Brad and Angelina's relief trip from three months ago? What's next, Miss Last Season's Disaster, a trip to Davos for the World Economic Forum? Well, bad news, Charlie's tardy angel—unless you have a time machine, you're too late. It's already over. Better luck next time.

Unfailingly reliable British tabloid The Sun claims to have a handle on Brad Pitt's career strategy in the post-Brokeback Mountain world:

Hollywood's favorite concerned citizen of the world, Angelina Jolie, and life-partner-of-the-moment Brad Pitt (current t-shirt: "I'm With Hollywood's Favorite Concerned Citizen Of The World," featuring an arrow he struggles to keep pointed Jolie-ward at all times) have jetted off to Davos, Switzerland for the World Economic Forum. The International Herald Tribune is blogging the event at Delving Into Davos, where it's seemingly impossible to ignore the couple's comings and goings.

· We never would've guessed that Pink would be the voice of reason about "stupid girls" like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.
· Chris Penn gets a tribute at Sundance.
· Mark down the date in your calendars: Feb. 24th could be the day that society as we know it collapses.
· Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are totally BFF with Kofi.
· See, we told you our job is easy. So easy, in fact, that poorly written TV characters can do it.
· The Gilded Moose embarks on a dangerous adventure: liveblogging his pursuit of the agent who won't call him back.

The celebrity press frequently misreports Angelina Jolie's stomach tattoo as reading Quod me nutrit me destruit, Latin for "What nourishes me also destroys me." Through the magic of Defamer photo-enhancement technology, we can now reveal the actual text of the ink (shown above), representing Angelina Jolie's latest attempt to completely crush Jennifer Aniston. Jolie is also planning another visit to her tattoo artist, who will etch, "And if it's a boy, we're still calling it Jen, bitch!" on the other side of her belly.

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie want to get married. They also have no desire to get married. Star magazine will report both as fact. [R&M]
• Worried that they too might get bitch-slapped, St. Martin's Press is adding a big fat warning sticker on memoirist Augusten Burrough's just-released galleys. The Smoking Gun boys call this the "James Frey Effect," but we consider it Angry Oprah Prevention. [Page Six]
• Ashley Judd likes to hoard her swag in private, as if we won't know she's a freebie whore. [Lowdown]
• Nicole Kidman is named UN Goodwill Ambassador. She and Angelina Jolie are totally going to be BFF now. [IOL]
• Entourage star Adrien Grenier will tie you up and touch you only with a "couples vibrating ring." Sounds hot. [Page Six]

The tabloid tug of war over the first Angelina Jolie-Brad Pitt biological offspring has begun in earnest, with Life & Style and US Weekly each interpreting their purloined sonograms in their own special way. According to mediawhore sister Gawker, L&S is going vagina, while Us cries penis. Each outlet undoubtedly has impeccable sources close to the couple, so we're forced to conclude that they're both right, in their own way. Never in the history of human evolution have two more physically flawless specimens joined to create new life, so we expect that the little bundle of joy growing in Jolie's womb is merely unable to choose between feminine and masculine perfection at the moment, and won't pick a gender until his/her mother's final contraction forces a split-second, instinctual decision. We recommend that all well-wishers refrain from choosing between pink or blue gifts for the time being, as showing up with the "wrong" color could emotionally damage the infant by making it second-guess its choice.

Only because we feel obligated to keep you abreast the important matters of national conversation, we'll relay the following: According to today's spanking-new issue of Life & Style, the inevitably sexy lovechild of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be a girl. The information was accidentally revealed by Pitt's younger sister, who is now dead to them all.

• While Brad Pitt's adoption of Angelina Jolie's two stolen children is not yet official, a judge today has approved the changing of the kids' legal names to Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt. As if these two urchins didn't face a tragic enough future as is. [Us Weekly]
• If you paid attention in Philosophy 101, you'd know that all men who wear Axe Body Spray also read Maxim. Actually, you'd probably know that whether you took philosophy or not. [Gongli]
• Personally, our "media diet" consists of Taco Bell, peanuts, and a glass of Charles Shaw. [Romenesko]
• Woody Allen is purchasing a $25.9 million townhouse on East 70th Street. A favorable review from the Times will do that for you. [The Real Estate]
• Delicious Discounts hooks you up with discounted delivery from over a thousand Manhattan restaurants — at least two of which have received a favorable score for health and cleanliness! [Consumerist]

Because we all live and die on incremental updates about the progress of legal proceedings regarding Brad Pitt's integration into the lives of Angelina Jolie's adoptive children, we are delighted to note that Us Weekly reports that Pitt's petition to officially hyphenate the adorable, multiculti tykes has been granted. The Santa Monica courts give you Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt, ending over a month of crippling anxiety, heightened by recent biological complications, that the heartless judicial system might callously deny the request on grounds that the names are unfashionably unwieldy. With this procedural matter out of the way, we can now safely return to more pressing concerns, like in-utero investigations into the inevitable attractiveness of the couple's forthcoming, "real" child.

• Judging from her Golden Globes appearance, actress Hilary Swank is not taking her impending divorce from Chad Lowe all that well. [Go Fug Yourself]
• Before you sacrifice your soul and take that i-banking job, know your banks and the types of assholes they employ. [Brooklyn to Harlem • Jared Leto takes his craft so damn seriously, he'll eat 2847145 Twinkies if need be. [Popsugar]
• Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's sonogram made its way to eBay; the site has since removed the auction seeing as, well, even we think that shit is mildly sick. [CourtTV]
• Bucky Turco of Animal has managed to find himself in our local tabloids oh, like, 600 times now. But if they can't spell your name right, it just doesn't count. [NYDN]
• Admit it: You're totally staying in tonight to watch Skating With Celebrities. It's like Dancing With the Stars meets The Cutting Edge, and you dare to pretend that this doesn't matter? Uh, TOEPICK, bitches! [Slate]

Lost in the excitement of yesterday afternoon's news that the flesh-and-blood union of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's exquisite genetics has a pretty good shot at aesthetic perfection was Jennifer Aniston's reaction to the news that her ex-husband had knocked up the woman who stole her husband with the promise of a welcoming womb. Aniston's flack labeled an earlier report that Pitt called to give her the heads-up about the baby "made-up lies," and the headline above makes us believe that there was a total breakdown in Aniston's emergency Jolie pregnancy warning system. The complex relay of pager alerts, e-mail blasts, and air-raid sirens intended to give the starlet enough lead time to stage a showy public display of affection with current publicity partner Vince Vaughn malfunctioned, denying her the chance to seem too lustfully consumed with her romance to bother to have a nervous breakdown about the surpisingly rapid impregnation of her rival.

Making love? Having sex? Copulating? Fornicating? Monkey-fisting? Humping? Banging? Porking? Fucking? Fellating? Carpet-munching? Salad-tossing? Drilling? Boning? Beaver-shredding? Baloney-boxing? Meat-cuddling? Bonking? Muff-diving? Rimming? Baking cookies?

Seeking professional confirmation about an issue seemingly so obvious as to defy all questioning, namely that the baby produced by ab-rolling Ken doll Brad Pitt and exotic freak of beauty Angelina Jolie has a pretty good shot at being pleasant to look at, the AP asked some doctors for their board-certified opinions:

Never mind the question of whether this is really the most important issue about which to be polling your readers. The real travesty is that there's no "I don't begin to give a fuck" option. Alas.

• What's truly heartbreaking about Brad Pitt's forthcoming spawn, currently festering in Angelina Jolie's womb, is what the new baby will do to Jolie's two adopted children, Maddox and Zahara. Kids, say hi to your new, gorgeous replacement! [NYDN]
• Katie Couric's contract with the Today show isn't up until May, and she can't even negotiate with CBS until then. So she'd appreciate it if you'd just shut the fuck up about what's next and focus on her legs. [Lowdown]
• Why did Jessica Simpson and her boyfriend/father Joe get angry when George Lopez cracked jokes at Nick Lachey's expense? Was it because Lopez just doesn't have good delivery? [Page Six]
• Kate Moss' ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty pleaded guilty to cocaine and heroin possession. Hasn't this happened already, like, seven times? [R&M (last item)]
• Macauley Culkin is preparing to marry actress Mila Kunis. We salute her bravery. [IMDb]
• So who was the weepy blonde crackhead trying to crash an event at Alain Ducasse at the Essex House? Here's a hint: She's on this page. [Page Six]

Not that we didn't believe People and their double-"representative"-and-an-aid-worker sourced story from earlier today, but now that Pitt publicist Cindy Guagenti, whose job it is to creatively distort reality in accordance with her client's wishes, has copped to the knocking-up, we're feeling a little better about things. Strap yourselves in for two trimesters' worth of breathless, wall-to-wall coverage of every aspect of Jolie's pregnancy: two-page-spread analyses of her bump's visible development, stolen sonograms, and expert opinions on how the happy parents might best explain to Maddox and Zahara (and to all the other adoptation-ready infants of the world waiting for their turn at a Hollywood life) that just because Mommy and Daddy are making a baby of their own, they won't love them any less. Oh, the fun we're all going to have!

When two incredibly famous, incredibly good-looking movie stars engage in a mutually narcissistic, very-public-but-officially-denied love affair, and those two people have already crisscrossed the globe collecting adorable training-wheel orphans from which to cobble together a beautiful family, it's time for those movie stars to finally round out their brood with the product of their own maddeningly perfect genes. Yes, dear seekers, People now reports (double-sourced though both camps and through an aid worker in Santo Domingo, to boot) what everyone's been whispering about for weeks: that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are adding a Caucasian baby to their impossibly photogenic, Benetton-ad-quality clan via the quaint route of Jolie's own uterus. Somehow, though, we can't let ourselves be happy yet; the cutthroat glossies have punched ragged holes in our heart before with their exuberance to break these stories. Still, we're inclined to believe, and we sadly concede our office pool, in which we foolishly wagered that Pitt and Jolie would adopt Bengali and Inuit tykes before succumbing to the urge to go halfsies on their own offspring.

Determined to remind us all that it is the once and future king of celebrity shitstorms, People magazine has announced that Angelina Jolie has been inseminated with the insensitive seed of Brad Pitt, as confirmed by unnamed reps of both stars. Because she is nothing if not a shiv-toting earth mother, Jolie first told the news to a charity aid worker in the Dominican Republic. See? Now you can't hate her.