Well, that was both horrifying and depressing. The Michael Jackson Public Memorial has lurched to a close and, to paraphrase a commenter, we feel like we've been underwater for hours. Messy and strange, let's remember the remembrance.

Brad and Angelina are getting married in New Orleans, Brooke Shields settled with the National Enquirer for kidnapping her mother, Mariah Carey is getting fat, Pete Doherty shot up on a commercial flight, and Denise Richards is addicted to boob jobs.

• It looks like Heidi and Spencer Pratt and NBC concocted yet another clever PR stunt over the weekend. Heidi was rushed from the set of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! to a hospital in Costa Rica for a stomach ulcer and later blamed NBC for "torturing" her. For its part, NBC is reminding the public they can see what really happened on an upcoming episode of the show. [NYDN, E!, TMZ]
• The police had to called to the Greenwich estate of Stephanie Seymour and Peter Brant on two occasions last Thursday after Seymour got into an altercation with Brant's bodyguards. [P6]
• Why did David Carradine end up dead in Bangkok hotel room? According to his family's lawyer, it may have been the work of a "secret sect of kung fu assassins" who "silenced" him because he was looking into "their shadowy activities." Or it could have been a case of autoerotic asphyxiation since according to his ex-wives he had a thing for being tied up. [NYP, NYDN]

Shoshanna Gruss—socialite, designer, ex-girlfriend of Jerry, and wife of Josh—turns 34 today. Former investment banker and U.S. Ambassador to France, Felix Rohatyn, is 81. Time Inc. chief Ann Moore is turning 59. Former News Corp. exec Peter Chernin is 57. Interior designer/Target fave Thomas O'Brien is turning 48. Actress Annette Bening is 51. Melanie Brown ("Scary Spice") is turning 34. Noel Gallagher of Oasis is turning 42. Fellow Brit Rupert Everett is 50. Brazilian model Ana Beatriz Barros turns 27. Lisa Whelchel of Facts of Life fame is 46. And La Toya Jackson is celebrating her 53rd birthday today. Weekend birthdays below.

Rihanna may be getting over Chris Brown by boning Kanye West, Jesus Luz puts Madonna in the "friend zone," Mike Tyson's 4 year-old daughter is on life support after accidentally hanging herself with an electric cord, and Brooke Shields expresses regret for not slutting around when she was young.

• Cynthia Nixon and longtime girlfriend Christine Marinoni have gotten engaged. The couple announced the news at the Love, Peace and Marriage Equality rally over the weekend. [OK!, ET]
• Mariah Carey reportedly threw a fit in Cannes on Friday evening when the director of her new movie had the audacity to show up late to the premiere, thus denying her precious time on the red carpet. [NYDN]
• Also in Cannes: Giuseppe Cipriani was seen making out with Tara Reid; and Kirsten Dunst missed the party she was supposed to be hosting because she missed her flight. [NYDN, Mirror]
• Kelly Bensimon is telling friends she regrets joining the Real Housewives cast since appearing on the show has "ruined her socially." [P6]
• Brooke Shields says her mother was checked out of her nursing home last week by a National Enquirer reporter looking for a scoop. [People]

• Agyness Deyn is the new face of Uniqlo. [WWD]
• It seems Zac Posen is producing a scripted television series. And it's all about horses. [NYM]
• Tommy Hilfiger is rumored to be looking for retail space in Union Square; he's checked out the former Circuit City space and the Virgin Megastore, which is closing soon, too. [Real Deal]
• Brooke Shields says she's still stunned by all the Jack McCollough-Kiefer Sutherland media attention. [USAT]
• Leigh Lezark could be Matthew Williamson's new muse. [Fashionista]
• Nanette Lepore opened her second store in New York City today. [NYM]
• Swapping clothes online: now more popular than ever! [WSJ]

Owen Wilson shopping at the Apple store in Soho ... Olivia Palermo checking her BlackBerry outside the Standard Hotel, and later going to the DVF offices with Whitney Port ... Brooke Shields walking with her daughter in the East Village ... Jason Bateman carrying daughter Francesca on his shoulders ... Hugh Jackman going to breakfast with his wife and kids, and later jogging along the West Side Highway ... DJ Clue filming a music video with Fabulous in the meatpacking district ... Ewan McGregor leaving ABC studios ... Nick Jonas arriving at JFK ... and Jennifer Aniston sitting on a stoop with a bunch of kids on the set of The Baster in Brooklyn.

Uma Thurman on a school field trip with son Levon and his classmates ... Brooke Shields getting out of a cab with her mom and daughter ... Justin Timberlake going to lunch at Bubby's ... Hugh Jackman jogging to a playground with daughter Ava ... Regis Philbin walking into ABC studios ... Jerry Seinfeld filming a commercial on Long Island ... David Schwimmer and girlfriend Zoe Buckman holding hands in the West Village ... Kelly Bensimon getting in a taxi outside a screening ... Geoffrey Rush walking around in Midtown ... Jennifer Aniston getting out of an SUV ... director Phillip Noyce leaving lunch with his wife and baby ... and Kieifer Sutherland walking in the West Village.

• Brooke Shields can't seem to make up her mind about who's to blame for the Kiefer Sutherland-Jack McCollough incident last week. A few days ago, her reps denied she'd been pushed by Jack. But now she says he did bump into her, and that Kiefer "has always been a gentleman" with her. Go figure. [TMZ, NYDN]
• Madonna took her kids to a Mets game on Mother's Day, which was all part of a plan to make Alex Rodriguez jealous, apparently. Also, the singer/diehard baseball fan sat in Jerry Seinfeld's seats and hung out with the Anderson Cooper the whole time, just so you know. [P6]
• More topless photos of Carrie Prejean have surfaced online. [TMZ]
• Barbara Walters wore the same dress to the Time 100 gala and the White House Correspondents' Dinner. The horror! [TMZ]
• Maya Rudolph and PT Anderson are expecting their second child. [People]

Jay McInerney's latest book, How It Ended, was feted at the 21 Club on Wednesday night. On hand for the occasion: McInerney's wife, Anne Hearst, Brooke Shields, Candace Bushnell and Charles Askegaard, Gay and Nan Talese, Morgan Entrekin, Nina Garcia, Pamela Fiori, Bob Colacello, Richard Johnson and Sessa Von Richthofen, Peggy Siegal, Muffie Potter Aston, Bettina Zilkha, Cornelia Guest, Debbie Bancroft, Valesca Guerrand-Hermes, Nina Griscom, Somers White Farkas, Patrick McMullan, Robert Couturier, George Farias, Tatiana and Campion Platt, Kimberly Rockefeller, Pamela Gross, Harry Slatkin, Dana Hammond, Harry Benson, and Deborah Norville. [PMc, VF, P6]

• Eliot and Silda Spitzer made their first public appearance together last night. The couple turned up at the Waldorf for the eighth annual Children's Benefit Gala and were spotted holding hands and making "lovey-dovey looks at each other." Unconditional love is a beautiful thing. [NYDN]
• The stress over the Kiefer Sutherland/Jack McCollough incident must be getting to Brooke Shields: She was spotted looking "upset, overwhelmed and stressed" at the Innocence Project gala on Wednesday night. On a related note, the desk appearance ticket Kiefer received yesterday means he will be a free man until he shows up in court on June 21. [NYDN, NYP]
• Lindsay Lohan's 15-year-old sister Ali has reportedly dropped out of high school so she can party full-time with her big sister. Good work, Dina. [P6]
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting girls when their surrogate gives birth in a few weeks. [OK!]

Rihanna probably doesn't care that her outfit made people wonder if she's lesbian and Kiefer Sutherand is unrepentant about attacking a designer at SubMercer. But Kirstie Alley is ashamed of her 83 new pounds.

• The drama surrounding fashion's most famous headbutt continues: Kiefer Sutherland says he was "defending the honor" of Brooke Shields by attacking Jack McCollough, since Jack had knocked Brooke over and then failed to apologize. Brooke and Jack, however, say the push never even happened, and Kiefer was running around drunk and "looking for something to smack." The police are now investigating the matter, since apparently there aren't more important crimes to be tackling right now. [TMZ, TMZ, NYDN, P6]
• Anna Wintour and Rihanna were acting like old pals at a Costume Institute afterparty on Monday night, which certainly bodes well for Rihanna's chances of landing a Vogue cover in the future. [NYDN]
• Lindsay Lohan was supposed to chaperone her little sister to a party at LA's Roosevelt Hotel on Monday night, but ended up "getting up close and personal" with ex-boyfriend Jared Leto instead. [E!, P6]
• Casey Johnson, meanwhile, showed up to the same party and was overheard telling a friend that she and Courtenay Semel have broken up, again. [P6]

Yves Saint Laurent sponsored the Metropolitan Opera's 125th Anniversary Gala at Lincoln Center on Sunday night. YSL creative director Stefano Pilati was on hand to welcome the likes of Brooke Shields (left), Claire Danes, Claudia Schiffer, Kanye West and Amber Rose, Parker Posey, Kim Heirston, Mia and Patrick Demarchelier, Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson, Richard Meier, Jeremy Irons, Willem Dafoe, Ingrid Sischy, Emily Mortimer and Alessandro Nivola, Sally Singer, Woody Allen, Stefano Tonchi, James Levine, Renée Fleming, Peter Martins, Julianna Margulies and Keith Lieberthal, Zoe Saldana, Daphne Guinness, Julie Macklowe, Plácido and Marta Domingo, Ginnifer Goodwin, Becki Newton, Patricia Clarkson, Austin Scarlett, and Met mega-donor Mercedes Bass. [PMc, Wireimage, Style.com, VF, FWD]

• Why do people like to watch models falling down? "Is it because us mere mortals love to take pleasure in seeing the beautiful go down? Is it fashion show turned fashion spectacle? Is it the same logic as watching a car crash?" Yes, yes, and yes. [Pipeline]
• Editors who turned up to Gareth Pugh's show in Paris were shown an 8-minute video instead of a runway show. The same one that appeared online. Surprise! [Fashionologie, Fashionista]
• Meet Ruth, Marc Jacobs's secret weapon on Bleecker Street. [Racked]
• Kenneth Cole cut 10 percent of his workforce last week. [Reuters]
• PETA's new anti-fur campaign features strippers. Classy. [Gawker]
• Lou Doillon is opening a concept store in Paris later this year. [Fashionista]
• Rebecca Taylor is introducing a line of shoes and jewelry. [FWD]
• Badgley Mischka's new ad campaign was shot by Annie Leibovitz and features Eva Longoria, Brooke Shields, Lauren Hutton and Anjelica Huston. [SW]
• What you can expect to see when Topshop finally opens on April 2. [NYM]

Liev Schreiber "sifting" through the trash near his Noho apartment ... Jeremy Piven walking with girlfriend Ashley Chontos in Soho ... Brad Pitt arriving at JFK to board a flight ... Brooke Shields shopping on Madison Avenue ... Slumdog Millionaire's Freida Pinto walking around Midtown with an H&M shopping bag in hand ... Justin Timberlake walking downtown with an unidentified "female friend" ... Mariska Hargitay and her husband leaving the Nederlander Theatre on West 41st Street ... and Madonna walking in the snow with Jesus Luz.

• Martha Stewart is so distraught over the death of her chow chow and her break-up with Charles Simonyi that she's been adopting cats left and right (and throwing them parties, too). Or at least that's what the National Enquirer says. [NE]
• Brooke Shields says the Lipstick Jungle stage manager who stole props from the set swiped cash from her wallet, too. [NYDN]
• Amy Winehouse's house in London was robbed yesterday. [People, The Sun]
• Kimora Lee Simmons and Russell Simmons have finalized their divorce. Good thing, too, since she's pregnant with Djimon Hounsou's baby. [Us]
• Kanye West employs a resident "shoekeeper" to keep track of his 450 pairs of shoes, which is what you'd do, too, if you were Kanye West. [The Sun]

• Copies of Michelle Obama's Jason Wu-designed inaugural dress are on the way. Serial knockoff artist Allen Schwartz says the $300-350 gowns will be in stores by March/April, just in time for prom and bridesmaid season, naturally. [USA Today]
• Alexander Wang is launching a men's collection. [SF]
• Michael Kors has a lawsuit on his hands. [LAT]
• Target is cutting 600 jobs. [WWD]
• Did the Times out Jason Wu last week? [NYM]
• Fashion feud of the day: Anna Wintour and Sienna Miller. [SL]
• Brooke Shields has signed on to be a spokesperson for Coppertone. [SW]
• Surgery to correct "moobs," or man boobs, is now the most popular plastic surgery procedure for men in the UK. And now you know what you get your chubby husband for his birthday. [DM]

Richard Johnson and Jason Binn celebrated their birthdays with a joint bash at Da Silvano on Monday night, where they were joined by their wives, Sessa von Richthofen and Haley Binn, along with guests like Donny Deutsch, Jared Kushner, Brooke Shields and Chris Henchy, Silvano and Marisa Marchetto, Ann Dexter-Jones, Lauren and Charlie Walk, Daniel Benedict, Jane and Richie Notar, Jerry Della Femina and Judy Licht, Beth Ostrosky, Amy Nederlander, Alina Cho, jewelry exec Benny Shabtai, Sharon Dorram, film producer Meryl Poster, and Gigi Stone of ABC News. [PMc, GoaG]