Seven months ago, then-Gen. Stanley McChrystal closed the fast food outlets at large U.S. military bases in Afghanistan due to 'space issues' and because they were contributing to an 'amusement park' atmosphere. They're coming back!

Burger King's been sold to investment firm 3G Capital for $4 billion. Neat!

For its new Times Square Whopper Bar, BK is piling four of its patented rat corpses patties on top of each other, slathering them with marinara and "pesto-flavored mayo," thus creating a "Pizza Burger", which sells for $12.99. Hungry yet?

Hey look at the cool new thing! Burger King, a highfalutin hamburg shoppe, is rolling out a new sexy brunch menu. It's true! Because all those gays and Sexy City-ers love brunch, so the rest of America will too.

A short history: Starbucks owned upscale consumers. Then the recession hit. Upscale consumers disappeared. Starbucks weakened. McDonald's moved in to steal former Starbucks customers. Starbucks responded by going downscale. That seemed to work. Now: Starbucks plunges even further into hobodom.

Burger King sales are plummeting now that "super fans" are cutting back. For example, one super fan "figures he is saving more than $100 a week by eating fewer burgers." Goodness! Can America's food crisis grow any more dire?

• NYC Winter Restaurant Week begins today, in case you weren't aware. [SE]
• A roundup of restaurants opening over the next week. [NYM, Eater, TONY]
• A few theories on the recent shakeup at the Four Seasons and the ouster of acclaimed chef Fabio Trabocchi just three months into his tenure. [NYP]
• Did your waiter use your Amex to go on a shopping spree? Maybe! [Eater]
• Burger King may soon start serving beer along with lousy burgers. [NYDN]
• Model/ex-City cast member Adam Senn has a new restaurant. [GS]
• In other reality TV news, here's what you missed if you didn't make it to the Midtown bar where Pauly D of Jersey Shore DJed on Saturday night. [TONY]

Burger King is opening the Whopper Bar in South Beach that will serve hamburgers and American beer 24/7. We've seen the people that hang out at Burger King and we'll pass. Call us when Sonic is serving up Jell-O shots.

A Burger King patron gets really, really angry and tries to smash the door with a chair. Except it didn't work out so well, because someone forgot to set up the "wet floor" signs. Yeah.

If you're an American, Burger King offers you The Subservient Chicken: Some dude in a chicken outfit who does what you say. If you're British, BK offers you The Subservient Shower Girl. Her turn-ons: Voyeurs, and guys with Whopper bellies.

This is Michael Finton, a.k.a. Talib Islam. He was arrested for allegedly planning to bomb a federal courthouse in Illinois. Also he's a Sagittarius and he wants children "someday."

Burger King is constantly getting tons of free publicity for its outrageous offensive (and wacky!) ads, which it sometimes apologizes for afterward. Could this be a purposeful strategy? Of course! But now they're fucking with the goddess Lakshmi. Bad move.

Yesterday our Hamilton Nolan blamed BK's financial woes on their "edgy" ad agency. Now tonight our pal Copyranter sent us their newest advertisement, a reeking of desperation creation he called the "most overtly blow-jobby ad I've ever seen."

Sometimes a worthless "consumer" will see some very strategic high-concept ad that involves, say, a subservient chicken, and innocently ask, "How does that sell burgers?" And then the creative ad execs will chuckle at this un-strategic dunce, their target audience.

• The New York City outpost of Govind Armstrong's Table 8 opens tomorrow evening inside the Cooper Square Hotel. [Eater, Zagat]
• Now that Todd English is out, The Libertine has hired itself a new chef. [Zagat]
• Robert De Niro's universally reviled Ago has officially shuttered. [Eater]
• Some suggestions on where to take your mom for Mother's Day. [Zagat]
• Pinkberry is now making deliveries; a $10 minimum is required. [Crain's]
• Places to go to drink yourself into oblivion in honor of Cinco de Mayo. [GS]

Burger King's SubservientChicken.com: Five years old, and still doing stuff in a chicken outfit.

Here we have, you know, big ass butts, pimping food to children. Which is totally wrong, which is, of course, the whole point, because SO COOL ad agency Crispin Porter Bogusky, the inventors of all the weird Burger King ad shit, did this ad, and they just love doing things that people will say is too weird and also wrong, because it generates "Buzz," just like Midtown Manhattan. The point is Sir Mix-a-Lot is teaching obesity and sexuality to your kids and you're really okay with that, deep down, because you love Whoppers.

What's screaming CNBC madman Jim Cramer been up to? Putting on a Burger King mask in order to infiltrate a slumber party full of 14 year-olds. There's no taking this one back, Jimmy. Everyone knows.

If you haven't already publicly forsaken all your Facebook friends in order to earn a Whopper, it's too late. Facebook has crippled the Burger King "Whopper Sacrifice" anti-friendship widget for being too mean.

Burger King, for no good reason, has America's edgiest advertising. And it just got edgier. Now you can make it known publicly that someone's "friendship" is less valuable to you than 1/10th of a sandwich.