Brad Grey, head of the New Paramount™, has finally and officially announced that he's taking Gail Berman as his studio bride; the couple can now openly skip hand-in-hand around the lot on Melrose, hatching schemes to make their movies better appeal to the MTV demographic so relentlessly served by their corporate masters at Viacom. She's been awarded the title of president, a big improvement over the vaguely scatological "Grey's number two" position that she's had to endure the past week while things were being finalized. Grey's e-mail to his Paramount underlings follows, and we're feeling generous, so we'll spare you a reprint of the press release (you can read the trades for those). There's nothing left to do but watch Grey and Berman high-five each other while wishing a cheery "See you in hell!" to ousted/downgraded president Donald DeLine.

· M. Night Shyamalan is close to corralling Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard for the latest foray into his signature brand of Gotcha! cinema, Lady in the Water. Spoiler alert: Paul Giamatti is revealed to be the lady in the final frames. [Variety]
· It's official: Hitch is the winter's box office champion, with Meet the Fockers finishing second. To commemorate the occasion, Will Smith will ceremonially flush Ben Stiller down a giant toilet on the the Hollywood Walk of Fame. [THR]
· Network cockfight! ABC and Fox are planning to pit the Lost and American Idol season finales against each other in a bloody Nielsen deathmatch. [Variety]
· Today's actors being recycled through the magic of pilot season: Wendy Malick, Tom Everett Scott, Rhea Perlman, and Dabney Coleman are cast in pilots. [Variety]
· Chinese star Gong Li is drafted for the usual Hollywood duty as an all-purpose Asian actress in Miami Vice (Chinese/Cuban) and the Hannibal Lecter sequel Behind the Mask (Japanese). [Variety]

The mystery of the "Fox Leg," the severed appendage still nestled in a workboot that was discovered in a Malibu landfill and which was believed to have originated from a construction site on the Fox lot, may have finally come to an anticlimactic end. Authorities now believe it belongs to a suicide victim from Paramount (the town, not the studio) and that the foot might have been discarded when discovered by a shocked motorist. In the interest of softening the blow of disappointment at this turn of events, an alternate theory: Recently-departed Fox president Gail Berman found the foot stuck to the grille of her SUV, then kept it as a desk toy meant to intimidate her business associates. ("Hey, if you don't like the episode order reduction, maybe your tootsie would look nice next to Bootsy Joe's here. How does that float yer boat, Grazer?") When Berman took her new position at Paramount (the studio, not the town), she simply tossed the foot in the trash. And the rest, as they say, is completely fabricated history.

Now that independent film producers/champions of truth, justice, and the American Way Bob and Harvey Weinstein have extricated themselves from the dirty shackles of the Disney Media Conglomerate that looked to thwart their efforts to make great movies at every turn, it's time for a quick-round-up of the post-split coverage.

We'd always kind of hoped that Bob and Harvey Weinstein would leave their family the old fashioned way, by saying they were going out for cigarettes, poignantly mussing their kids' hair for the last time, and disappearing forever. But the Weinstein brothers have left Miramax and Disney the classy way, by an intimate e-mail to their staff and a press release. Don't worry, Miramaxers, the guys are sticking around through the end of September to make sure that all necessary beatings are doled out before they start their new business venture. The e-mail and press release follow:

Since updates on the mysterious, severed "Fox Leg" have been scarce both from the media and from within the walls of the lot, we decided to analyze the evidence at hand.

A little birdie told us to expect a press conference at around 1 p.m. finally announcing Harvey and Bob Weinstein's eternally-anticpated divorce from Disney. Let's hope this is actually going down so that we can all have some closure. We're so very tired of dreaming up scenarios in which Harvey Weinstein agrees to trade his mother to Michael Eisner in exchange for keeping the Miramax name.

· With Sony's purchase of MGM mere days from being approved, employees are still confused and worried about how the transition will play out. Today's reason for low-level MGM staffers to rise up and overthrow their masters: "'I don't feel great about the uncertainty,' said Chris McGurk, MGM vice chairman and chief operating officer, who will leave MGM with a payout of $5.75 million once the merger is completed." Pity poor McGurk, who will toss and turn tonight on a California king-sized bed made entirely of hundred dollar bills, at least until his diamond-encrusted robot arrives to sing him a lullaby. [THR]
· The window between a movie's theatrical and DVD release continues to close, causing exhibitors to worry about their future ability to charge exorbitant prices for soda and popcorn. [Variety]
· Whoever currently has the authority to do so at the New Paramount™ chooses Mark "Mean Girls" Waters to direct their long-attempted remake of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. In the studio's continuing efforts to appeal to the MTV demographic, look for them to lock up Omarion to take the role once attached to Jim Carrey. [Variety]
· Jessica Biel and Rufus Sewell join Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti in the cast of The Illusionist. [THR]
· Russell Crowe, Ron Howard, and Brian Grazer extend their love affair at least into 2006, when they'll eventually get to team up to make The Power of Duff. [Variety]

This disturbing tip landed in our inbox a little while ago:

Today's Page Six continues its recent crusade to rid Hollywood of liars and to institute a culture of truth throughout the entertainment industry. Last week, the Sixers rapped the knuckles of new CAA agent Todd Feldman with the bitch stick for not giving them the scoop on his departure from William Morris, and today they're going off on Paramount flack Nancy Kirkpatrick for similar crimes against the gossip world:

· For some reason, Paramount president Donald De Line thinks that not being told about Brad Grey hiring Gail Berman to do his job means it's time for him to move on. He's leaving his post at the studio for parts unknown (i.e., Sony, if you believe the rumors.) [Variety]
· Just-anointed Fox president Peter Liguori has kissed his teary-eyed FX troops goodbye, and is already busy at his new home, ready for the challenge of getting bailed out by American Idol every year. [Variety]
· CBS development moves away from competition-based reality shows, and now embraces the new self-improvement/family-related paradigm. A surefire hit on its way: Les Moonves destroys your mansion in the Hills with his bare hands, then orders his minions to rebuild it in under 24 hours. [THR]
· ABC's premiering hot-doctors-doing-cute-things drama Grey's Anatomy rides Desperate Housewives' coattails to strong ratings. [Variety]
· Everybody works during pilot season, part thirty-eight: Brenda Blethyn, Jane Leeves, Donal Logue, Mariel Hemingway, Alyson Hannigan cast in pilots. We give it a week before sneaky agents get a handful of dead clients cast. [THR]

The dispute between the east coast and west coast branches of the Writers Guild has spilled into the opinion pages of the LAT, with WGA East member Walter Bernstein taking his case to the public to explain what's at stake for the Guild and to delineate the differences between the warring factions:

Wow, that was fast. Guess the folks at the top of the Fox food chain were terribly afraid that all of the little chicks in the pilot season incubator would fall ill if neglected for too long. They've already named FX head Peter Liguori to take over for the bolting Gail Berman, ensuring that they have someone to shepherd such promising shows as Dirtbags, Don't Ask (not the John Goodman project that eventually became the short-lived Normal, Ohio—but very close), and Marriage 911. A hint for the new guy: They keep the Xanax in a Ziploc bag in the top left drawer of your new desk. Take a handful before you even consider picking up Pool Boys, then order seven more seasons of American Idol instead. That should get you through the first day on the job.

· FX's Peter Liguori is the frontrunner to replace Gail Berman atop Fox. We can only hope that he will exercise prudent stewardship over surefire hits in the pilot pipeline, like the one with Tara Reid running a Vegas wedding chapel. Don't fuck it up, Pete! That would be like flushing a gold brick down the crapper! [THR]
· This is no longer breaking news: HBO and New Line team up to create a new indie distributor, led by Newmarket Film's Bob Berney. [Variety]
· M. Night Shyamalan takes his hacky/twisty talents away from Disney and gifts them to Warner Brothers, where he'll make his next project, Lady in the Water. Spoiler alert: The lady will not be a lady at all, then the water kills the lady. [Variety]
· The American Idol voting snafu potentially fucks over the buzz-deficient Life on a Stick, which will now premiere tonight against the buzz-building The Office. [Variety]
· The pilot casting pool is getting dangerouly thin, as CBS gives Scientology adherent/acting castoff Jenna Elfman a job. We suppose this was preferable to Les Moonves letting Eflman clean his mansion. [THR]

After years of holding Disney president Bob Iger underneath him, CEO Michael Eisner is finally letting the man chosen to be his successor to climb on top:

Judging from the screaming Breaking Story! tag in a bright, red font, the e-mail blasts, and the messages from readers who don't read the trades online asking if there's any truth to the Newmarket "rumor." we're going to guess that this development is pretty important. But until you give us a Lohan angle, we refuse to care.

Thanks to the anonymous operative who sent us this camera-phone documentation of the Hot Dog on a Stick giveaway currently under way on the Fox lot. Remember, Fox employees, it's considered impolite to wonder how many episodes it's going to take for the ingeniously co-branded show Life on a Stick to get canceled while enjoying your free deep-fried treat.

· Fox "flummoxed" over Gail Berman's exit, and now the network needs to figure out who to plug in as a replacement. FX's Peter Liguori, 20th Century Fox TV president Dana Walden, and a cast of thousands from Fox's many inscrutably named divisions are under consideration. [Variety]
· "No shit?!" news analysis: Berman's jumping ship comes at an inopportune time for Fox. [THR]
· ABC wants to horn in on NBC's monopoly on bad remakes of British TV hits by bastardizing the UK's celebrity ballroom dancing show Strictly Come Dancing. [Variety]
· Looks like P. Diddy's not getting the top Fox job, as his Bad Boy Entertainment signs with MTV for a TV producing deal. [THR]
· 90210 survivor Brian Austin Green will co-star in Freddie Prinze Jr's ABC comedy pilot. Should the series ever go to air, the network may find it necessary to distribute welder's masks to protect the project's star power from blinding viewers. [THR]

As if it hadn't been painful enough to lose their fearless leader in the midst of pilot season, the Fox braintrust has chosen to taunt their remaining employees with a painful reminder of the ritualistic humiliation represented by each airing of Life on a Stick, which premieres tonight. On the bright side: Free meat-byproducts-on-a-skewer and lemonade!

While we all await breathlessly the official announcement that Gail Berman has left Fox to be Brad Grey's number two at the New Paramount™, the NYT finds a film executive who isn't impressed by the TV bonafides of Grey, Berman, and Viacom co-president/cheerleader Tom Freston: