We know this is probably just a crazy dream, but wouldn't it be fun if Disney started handing out the assault rifles before they fire half the company? It would help manage the coming overcrowding problem in the LA office, and one of the Weinsteins might catch a bullet in the ass on the way out the door.
· Jude Law "breaks" into Anthony Minghella's Breaking and Entering, "entering" our hearts in a role as the prettiest architect that the world has ever seen. [Variety]
· More proof that Quentin Tarantino would direct the parking of a Land Rover into a particularly tight space if the money was right: He'll devise a "special" story for and direct the season finale of CSI. [THR]
· When will agents learn that agenting is enough to feed their soul, and stop fleeing their bloodsucking coops in search of satisfaction that will never come? UTA partner David Schiff leaves to create his own multi-purpose entertainment company, the aptly named Schiff Co. [Variety]
· Shed a tear for multimedia behemoth Viacom, who've suffered an $18 billion loss this quarter. We're not sure how, but we're certain that future intergalactic despot Les Moonves is behind this, and the invasion is still nigh. Smuggle your children to Canada before they're assimilated. [THR]
· Having sufficiently ruined the professions of detective, gangster, and military officer (various ranks and branches), the bloated John Travolta tries to drive drag-queens to suicide by considering a turn as Hairspray matron Edna Turnblad. [Variety]
· Fuck the tsunami victims, and forget about houses sliding down hillsides, Hollywood has a bigger problem: How will the pounding rain affect the Oscar parties? [Variety]
· Everybody works during pilot season! James Van Der Beek and one of the Arquettes turn in their food stamps until at least mid-April as they sign up for sitcom pilots. [THR]
· The Shield showrunner Shawn Ryan tempts severe writers' block by inking a huge three-year overall deal with 20th Century Fox TV. Poor schmuck. He may never write again, and his army of gold robots will provide scant comfort as he kicks his laptop, screaming, "Why can't you give me more edgy cop dramas?!" [Variety]
· Failing to find a sufficiently commercial project involving the sexual molestation of former child actors and cancer patients, entertainment firm Neverland Films abandons its bad-buzz name and is reborn as Code Entertainment. Next up: Michael Jackson rechristens his home "Code Entertainment's House of Prepubescent Sodomy," forcing another naming crisis for the unlucky company. [Variety]
· U.S. Circuit Judge Harry Edwards tells off the FCC because when ordinary citizens do it, the governent cackles with delighted disregard: "Are you going to regulate washing machines next?...Ancillary [power] does not mean you get to rule the world." Awww snap! [THR]
According to Page Six, Miramax is trying to "disinvite" guests to its pre-Oscar party at the Pacific Design Center Saturday night, shifting certain previously-invited individuals to a "waiting list." We've heard that many of the tragically bumped are agents—coincidentally, we're sure!—who, luckily for the Weinsteins, always take personal slights that reduce their intake of free alcohol and opportunities to schmooze other people's clients with professionalism and grace.
· Variety: "Arnold is looking to terminate runaway production." It's safe to stop reading after that first sentence, since they blew their pun load by also using "Governator" in the subtitle. [Variety]
· The WGA showers their award love on the screenplays for Sideways and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which will likely go on to get shafted at the Oscars. [THR]
· Susan Sarandon joins Billy Bob Thornton in the cast of New Line's Mr. Woodcock. Again, we urge you to enjoy that title before it disappears into the ether of indecency. [THR]
· Ben Affleck's addition to the cast of Focus Features' Truth, Justice, and the American Way suddenly makes Adrien Brody and Diane Lane's decision to do the movie seem like career Russian Roulette. [Variety]
· Michael Bay signs on to direct the long-developing project Molly's World, a psychological thriller in which everything explodes for no apparent reason. [Variety]
· The Disney CEO search is so secretive that the candidates might not even know they're being considered for the gig. Candidates will discover they're up for the top Mouse spot only after being struck on the head and regaining consciousness in a secret bunker underneath Space Mountain. And please, never speak of what Michael Eisner's going to do with that flashlight. [Variety]
· The new, talent-friendly, free-spending Paramount obtains the rights to the yet-to-be published novel Love Walked In for Sarah Jessica Parker. [THR]
· Jamie Foxx hasn't even given his obnoxious Oscar acceptance speech, and already studios are elbowing each other for the movie release spots for next year's awards. [Variety]
· Peter Fonda and Donal Logue will join Nicolas Cage in the cast of the Marvel comics movie adaptation of Ghost Rider. Someone obviously tricked Fonda into believing this is a sequel to Easy Rider. [THR]
· In the future, all television pilots will be produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. We suggest self-immolation before that day arrives. [Variety]
Because of our immense respect for all that Sherry Lansing, the first female head of a Hollywood studio, accomplished during her storied tenure at Paramount, we are going to refrain from snarky commentary on this picture of her getting down on her knees in front of her slab of entertainment industry immortality. In fact, we feel compelled to note that Lansing's hands are stained from sticking her hands in some ruddy cement, and not because Viacom boss Sumner Redstone slathered his thighs with red paint and requested a final "performance review."
Warner Bros.' intensive market research has revealed that today's ADD-addled kids no longer connect with Bugs, Daffy, and the rest of the Looney Tunes gang, so they're giving them new names, some superpowers, and a 23rd-century makeover:
· After seeing the big numbers generated by Hitch, Columbia seeks to prove that Will Smith can open anything by trying to buy him a superhero story with a title (Tonight, He Comes) ripped from the gay porn aisle of the local sex shop. [Variety]
· The House passes legislation sharply upping indecency fines, helping to keep America safe from any future exposure to pop-star nipples encased in metal shields. This is for the public good—Bono had planned to show his man-titties at the Grammys, but backed off when he heard Viacom might get fined. [Variety]
· Pilot season is great, everyone gets a job! William Baldwin, Adam Goldberg, Rachel Leigh Cook, Swoozie Kurtz, and Chris O'Donnell all stay off the bread lines by being cast in a variety of pilots. [THR]
· Chemistry like theirs can't possibly be captured in just one film: Sahara co-stars Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz will reunite in the love story The Loop. [Variety]
· After finding that there's nothing left to blow up, director Roland Emmerich vows to get more serious, even contending that The Day After Tomorrow had a message. That message? Only the dreamy eyes of Jake Gyllenhaal can stop global warming. [THR]
· Jennifer Lopez cancels her European tour, succumbing to the celebrity mystery plague that's also delayed the Michael Jackson trial and caused countless problems on the set of Lindsay Lohan's movie in New Orleans.
· For just under two, glorious, Disney-slamming minutes, Robin Williams revives his once-mighty powers of comic improvisation. Did he rediscover coke? [via BoingBoing]
· Don't be fooled by the rocks that they got...even if they finally make it to the altar, their marriages won't last a year.
· We really want to believe that Dave Chappelle blew his $50 million from Comedy Central on weed and nearly wets himself laughing every time an executive calls to ask how the writing is going.
· Not exactly breaking news: In Hollywood, the Rich Get Richer for Free
· Brad Pitt will star in the mind-bendingly self-referential Sony pic Chad Schmidt, where he'll play an actor that can't get work because he looks too much like Brad Pitt. You know, kind of like Skeet Ulrich and Johnny Depp. [Variety]
· Fading NBC golden boy Jeff Zucker's heartsick over his network's falling ratings, but will dry his tears with all the money pouring into NBC Universal. [Variety]
· Ripped from the headlines, pooped into development: Warner Bros. buys disturbing internet chat article U Want Me 2 Kill Him? from Vanity Fair for Bryan Singer to develop and direct. Singer needn't worry—that sort of thing almost never happens on dating sites. [Variety]
· Academy members complain that technical award winners will be stuck in the ghetto of the audience instead of onstage when they're presented with awards. Hey, it could be worse, you could be stuntmen and not get an award at all. [THR]
· Fox Searchlight singlehandedly decimates the Australian film industry with its decision to postpone Eucalyptus indefinitely in the wake of suspicious-sounding "script problems." [THR]
· Jon Stewart is hot, HOT I tells ya: While Jon Stewart is tied to his The Daily Show anchor chair through 2008, Comedy Central will finance the development of other projects through Stewart's Busboy Productions. [Variety]
· Meg Ryan's agents have a sense of humor, signing her on to star in the romantic comedy Role of a Lifetime, when everyone knows she cashed in her "role of a lifetime" by having that on-screen orgasm in a restaurant an eon ago. [THR]
· Freddie Prinze Jr. works! (At least for a little while.) ABC helps Prinze silence Sarah Michelle Gellar's whining about how he sits on the couch all day by greenlighting a pilot for him. [Variety]
· Showtime to adapt British comedy Manchild for American audiences. Guys, the Brits don't work here, stick with the gays. [THR]
· Knowing that "logistical difficulties" would make getting Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines into a Running Scared sequel impossible (at least without prohibitively expensive CGI), New Line merely recycles the title for Paul Walker. [Variety]
In the NYT, Hollywood reporter Sharon Waxman examines how Harvey Weinstein's legendary abuse of his Miramax employees has created a class of super-executives who flourish in the business when take they their increased resistance to physical and psychological pain to other studios. Realizing that there were important lessons learned from Weinstein, Miramax survivors thoughtfully stroke their scars as they ponder important decisions:
· The Aviator (not so fast, Martin Scorsese!) and Vera Drake take the top awards at the BAFTAs. What does this mean for The Aviator's chances at the Oscars? It's going to hurt even more when Million Dollar Baby keeps Scorsese winless. [Variety]
· No punchline necessary: Hayden Christensen signs on to star in The Decameron, opposite Mischa Barton. [THR]
· Eisner tells his shareholders that regardless of what the Weinsteins do, Miramax will remain at Disney. The Weinsteins, however, are still free to beat their employees at any new gig of their choosing. [Variety]
· "The WB's 10th-year pickup of 7th Heaven has put me into eighth heaven" says Aaron Spelling. He continues, "And I'm so happy, I've nearly forgotten that I sired the star of Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?" [THR]
· Golden Age of Antipiracy Report: Specially coded Oscar screener DVD-Rs can't be viewed in older players. The Academy will soon issue Betamax tapes and players to all members to remedy the issue. [Variety]
Variety reports that copies of DisneyWar, which was rushed to market three weeks ahead of schedule, are flying off the shelves of west side bookstores:
