Page Six reports that Viacom co-president/generously betoothed future despot Les Moonves has snatched up girlfriend Julie Chen from the set of The Early Show and taken her to Mexico, where he will in short order make her the first member of his galactic harem. After Moonves weds Chen, he's in a great position to sweep up through the Baja Peninsula, looting every town from Cabo to Los Angeles and seizing additional war brides from the newly subjugated population. We must applaud this strategic masterstroke and will beg for mercy when the invasion reaches LA's east side.

We were worried that Fox would have trouble finding new ways to shock and sicken America with its reality shows. Where is there left to go after providing blowsy women with extreme surgical makeovers and then forcing them into a beauty pageant of the damned? Or taking away helpless children's mothers and replacing them with a new version, as the cameras dutifully capture every last moment of permanent emotional scarring? These turned out to be very silly worries indeed; Fox never fails to deliver the damaged goods. People are again up in arms over Who's Your Daddy?, a show whose money-shot is the reunion of a daughter and her biological father. The LAT reports:

· How you can tell we're in the middle of the holiday news draught (besides items on Zellweger's falsies): Variety looks at the video game companies that won't let Hollywood make shitty movies out of Halo and Grand Theft Auto. [Variety, sub. req'.d.]
· Academy members report that many screener discs don't work, or worse, fail in mid-movie. Alexander's awards chances have increased exponentially. [Variety]
· The renegade film critics of San Diego choose abortion over wine, shaking off the Sideways peer pressure to name Vera Drake their film of the year. [THR]
· Comedy Central signs up Jimmy Kimmel sidekick Adam Carolla for his own talk show, which should somewhat dull the sting of losing the Late Late Show to Craig Ferguson. [THR]
· A judge dismisses the conflict-of-interest suit against SAG CEO Bob Pisano for being on the board of Netflix. This decision frees up SAG for the same kind of collective bargaining buggering that the studios recently gave to the DGA and WGA. [THR]

Whether you blame fallout from the Ovitz trial, new corporate crackdowns on irresponsible spending, or Tom Cruise's wishes to further enrich the Church of Scientology, holiday swag levels are down (and bitching about reduced gift-giving is up in direct proportion). Whatever the reason, no one in Hollywood wants to admit to getting cheap as Christmas approaches. Notes Variety:

This The Apprentice-parodying holiday card from management/production company Benderspink displays both the highly-attuned comic sensibility and red-hot trendspotting savvy that allowed the firm to shepherd cinematic delights like American Pie 2, American Wedding, and The Butterfly Effect into movie theaters. Next up: a feature-length adaptation of this card starring Seann William Scott as J.C. Spink (center, Trump wig) and Jason Biggs as Chris Bender (dressed as Raj, we think). You can click the image to see a larger version.

· Morris Chestnut will star in the NBC pilot Dante, which "revolves around the life and family of a football superstar who has an extra-large sense of entitlement and often is out of touch with reality," and seemingly based on a character from a Budweiser commercial. If they wanted to steal from beer commercials, why can't we have 22 minutes of those two chicks catfighting in bikinis? Or those "Wassssup?" guys. We kinda miss them. [THR]
· Chicago film critics lay down in front of the Sideways steamroller. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Disney settles with the SEC for failing to disclose the "lucrative relationships" that the company had with relatives of board members. Oopsies! Were they supposed to let shareholders know they were hiring family members? [THR]
· Showtime euthanizes Dead Like Me after two seasons, but signs up a TV version of Barbershop. We think it's so adorable that Showtime keeps trying to make its own shows, but they should probably stick with their winning formula of hot gays and lesbians. [Variety]
· CBS quite logically selects the Irish Jonathan Rhys-Meyers to play Irish folk music icon Elvis Presley in a miniseries. [Variety]

You don't get to be the supreme leader of the world's leading, just-right-of-Stalin media conglomerate by squandering an opportunity to rally the troops during what would otherwise be five wasted minutes spilling saccharine, candy-cane sentiment into a dictophone . Rupert Murdoch pauses during this busy holiday season to steel the Fox troops for next year's challenges:

Harvey Weinstein used his platform at Miramax's 25th anniversary function on Thursday to bitch about Disney and crow about his possible post-Mouse future:

· Both THR and Variety break down the "changing of the guard" at William Morris. Other terms used to describe the changes: shake-up, culture war, overhaul. Sadly, neither paper went for "bloodletting" or "board room massacre." [THR, Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind halts the Sideways juggernaut by being named best picture by the D.C. film critics. We may have to abandon our persecution complex if movies we loved continue to win awards.
· Writers' assistant Larry Reitzer lives the dream, selling a pilot script to ABC. Naturally, his boss of four years is cut in on the deal. [THR]
· Warner Bros. options the movie rights to a short story about a guy who uses math equations to make his girlfriend commit. You heard it here first: Nerds are going to be huge in '05. [Variety]
· The second season Apprentice finale comes nowhere near the ratings numbers of the first, but does well enough to ensure that the Donald will be boring us with two- and three-hour specials in the future. [THR]

A producer is suing megastars/former Pussy Posse cowboys Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguie for blocking the distribution of a film they did in 1995:

· Tom Hanks joins the litany of A-listers who are fleeing Pat "The Iron Flack" Kingsley's PMK/HBH like her old-lady hair is on fire and she's holding an armload of dead puppies. Leslee Dart, it seems, holds only living, adorable puppies and uses a flame-retardant hair product.
· Beware! That Santa Claus in your crosswalk may be the fuzz! [via LA.comfidential]
· Craigslist never fails to provide creepy outlets for all of your on-camera ass-kicking impulses.
· A lawyer sues the Governator and Skeletor over some mold and tennis courts in a house he bought from them.
· For reasons we cannot possibly fathom, red-carpet-loving nutcase Bai Ling has knee bandages with Jude Law's picture on them.

We knew that Disney's diabolical marketing plan to drape the homeless in The Incredibles gear was going to catch on. In fact, it seems to be an ongoing effort. A reader spotted another human billboard earlier in the week:

A reader notices what could be a brilliant breakthrough in movie marketing by the folks at Disney, who are apparently thinking out of the box...the cardboard box:

· Michael Ovitz will produce a feature version of the Tom Clancy videogame Splinter Cell for Paramount. Ovitz is back, baby! By the end of next week, he'll demand that Paramount make him president and erect a bronze statue in his likeness on top of their famous water tower. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Diane Keaton, Sarah Jessica Parker and Dermot Mulroney join Claire Danes, Rachel McAdams and Luke Wilson in the Fox 2000 romantic comedy formerly known as Hating Her, and now tentatively titled Kind of Like Meet the Parents Meets Anything That Meg Ryan Was In Before The Surgery. [THR]
· Working Title Productions has picked up the spec feature Suicide Squad, a caper where a suicide hotline operator "recruits a ragtag group of suicidal outcasts to help him knock over a horse track." You know what? We kind of love this idea, but it's only going to end in disaster when they cast Josh Hartnett. [THR]
· Fox hires former Golden Girls showrunner Mort Nathan to write the sitcom Spirit of America, which will mine endless laughs from the hilarious situation in Iraq. [Variety]
· Fox fails to learn the lessons of this TV season and keeps moving forward with the Fox Reality Channel, hiring David Lyle to run the network that will provide a new outlet for their low-rated reality show flops. [THR]

And now for something completely different: A reader report from a party totally devoid of open-bar clogging, hors d'oeuvres gobbling, goodie-bag grabbing B-listers. Each December the studios will lay out some cold cuts, spin some records, and hire some booze-wielding cater-waiters for their employees, all in the name of averting a bloody end-of-the-year. burnout-induced revolt. Some might mistake this for goodwill, rather than a necessary evil rooted in self-preservation. Whatever the motive, a snout full of free vodka feels just as good:

· Viacom co-pres Les Moonves creates the CBS Marketing Group to oversee all marketing activities for CBS and UPN and "maximize [their] promotional power." So why did Moonves order this new "Marketing Group" fifty tanks and enough assault rifles to march into Nevada? Start hording the bottle water and canned food. The invasion is nigh. [THR]
· Showtime, further cementing their role as HBO's retarded cousin, gives a 10 episode order to the Mary Louise Parker suburban-mom-turned-pot-dealer series—get ready for it, because here it comes—Weeds. Possible promotional tagline: "The gateway drug to hilarity!" [THR]
· Shocker: The Simpsons dominates WGA nominations in the animation category. West Wing and Sex and the City also receive props. [Variety, sub, req'd.]
· Universal grabs Harrison Ford to star in the first feature on the current war in Iraq, based on the upcoming book No True Glory: The Battle for Fallujah. If they hold off production for some kind of resolution in Iraq, they might have to rewrite Ford's part as an Alzheimer's-afflicted WWII vet who wants to "grab his helmet and get back in the shit." [Variety]
· The Broadcast Film Critics Association continues to set up critics everywhere for an eventual Oscar letdown by nominating Sideways for 8 awards. Why do these people insist on celebrating this excellent film?! Why?! [THR]

Blogger Ultratart received this typo-riddled e-mail from the WGA and suggests that the Guild engage in the arcane practice of proofreading before hitting the send button:

During the course of The Hollywood Trial of the Century, erstwhile superagent and Disney president-for-a-day Michael Ovitz has been called a "psychopath," a "total failure" who couldn't even lie properly, and a "cancer." With the trial winding down as we approach the holidays, the LAW's Nikki Finke piles on by pointing crotchward at Ovitz and snickering:

How soon is too soon to joke about personal tragedy? We don't know if Tara Reid is ready to laugh about her epic, impromptu breast unveiling after over a month has passed, but her flack definitely isn't. Reid was a presenter on last night's Spike Video Game Awards, and her publicist fired off this angry e-mail when the show's producers pitched a gag involving The Tit Seen Round the World.

· Columbia hires Alex Gregory and Peter Huyck to write the Will Ferrell beach volleyball comedy, Bronze God. Gregory understands what he's supposed to deliver: "Will's about the funniest guy out there, and he's even funnier shirtless, in a Speedo and with a savage tan." Then again, the phrase "Will Ferrell beach volleyball comedy" probably sold this one all by itself. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· LOTR's Sean Bean will play the bad guy in Michael Bay's The Island, a movie that "centers on a harvested being who becomes self-aware and tries to escape" from a hack director who still thinks he's shooting music videos. [THR]
· Rose McGowan is in negotiations to play Ann-Margaret in the CBS Elvis biopic, undoubtedly because Lindsay Lohan is otherwise engaged dancing on bars and screwing Colin Farrell. [THR]
· CBS picks up Survivor through 2006, but all future runners-up must now spend a ten-year indentured servitude servicing Les Moonves' every whim. High stakes indeed. [Variety]
· Chris Weitz will no longer direct New Line's movie adaptation of the His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass fantasy novel. Weitz denies "creative differences," but probably because he's staying on as a writer. [THR]