In a couple of hours many Americans will be processing their patriotic feelings in a globalized world through the lens of a game they only sometimes follow. Meanwhile, my own compatriots up North have been drunk on cheap beer since about noon. I think our approach might be better.

Avril Lavigne and the guy from Nickelback got married this weekend in France at a location so undisclosed, not even the invited guests could rip the clothes off that location and discover where it was the day before they were due to be there.

"This is the unhealthiest thing a Canadian has done since everything the mayor of Toronto has done."

Welcome to PR Dummies. The public relations industry is full of people who are trained to show enthusiasm for any paying customer, on demand. This naturally erodes their own innate taste. Which is to say: PR people have bad taste. Which is to say: please, don't make that rap video.

"Fuck you, Starbucks, you American pussies." That is what we imagine Canadian coffee and donut chain Tim Hortons to be anthropomorphically saying today, adding in an "Eh?" at the end in stereotypical sneering Canadian style. Are we going to sit around as some Canadian fucks have cups that hold a larger amount of coffee than ours do? Eh?

Clint's former model son Scott has gotten a new acting gig, meaning he's poised for stardom! Also today: Ted Danson makes an odd choice, the glorious rise of Wendi McLendon-Covey, and some sneaky Canadians.

Jim Carrey, that nearly forgotten relic of the '90s, tried to improve his image and box office relevance by getting himself a new haircut. It's not working.

Despite having a diet that consists solely of french fries with gravy, weird bacon-ham, and moose brains, Canadians are still significantly less obese ("less obese" is where we're at these days, "skinnier" went out the window long ago) than their neighbors to the south. Namely, us. Yes, a study released today shows that 34% of Americans are obese versus 24% of Canadians. What gives?

A Canadian couple is vowing to name their baby—due in three weeks—after the person who returns their dog. She was possibly snatched from the couple's backyard. Let's hope they keep a better eye on the baby.

Canada rescued passengers from a cruise ship stranded on a rock in the Arctic Sea. How nice of them! The U.S. probably would have just released greenhouse gases into the atmosphere until sea levels rose and the ship was free.

Happy Canada Day, everyone! How should we all celebrate? By trying to kick oot (ha!) all the Canadians that make life unbearable. There's more of them you think, and here are the ones we wouldn't mind sending home.

Here's a fun, interactive, illustrated guide to every character on Lost. Is it Sunday yet?

With the games winding down, Canada is set to go back to being just that place of pleasant northernness, unassuming and passive. Or so we thought. Turns out there are crazy Canadians patriots, and one of them decided to comment!

If, like these Canadians, I shelled out two million dollars for one lunch with Warren Buffett, I might ask for the restaurant to be closed. Plus: right by the kitchen? That is the worst table in the house!

Is there a growing Gaynadian horde threatening all our good gay American jobs in New York City? Next magazine, a gay American publication, is looking into it. Do you know any usurping Gay Canadians in NYC? Start naming names.

Michelle Lang, a Calgary Herald reporter, was killed by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan yesterday. The blast also killed four soldiers. Earlier this year, the National Newspaper Awards named her best beat writer in Canada. She was 34. [Calgary Herald]

If Canadians are known for one thing, it's their bacon. If they're known for two things, it's their willingness to brave unfathomable temperatures for the purposes of a viral video. This is that second thing.

Do you know what a Justin Bieber is? You should: the 15 year-old star was read the riot act as 3,000 fans/parents descended on a Long Island mall, where his appearance had to be canceled. Fights! Chaos! Teenagers! RIOT!

June 18 @ 5:45pm [Submit your own Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com] Dressed for some soccer. After I said hello and snapped the pic, a man pulled up on a moped.

Sarah Palin is a renowned foreign policy mastermind when it comes to countries geographically proximate to her native Alaska, which is why the Canadians are so fiercely protective of her, as CBC columnist Heather Mallick found out after writing a September 5 column dissing Bristol Palin as a "pramface." Maybe Mallick thought it would not matter because no one in US America knows what that means. But more than 300 angry letters poured in to the station, forcing the ombudsman to issue a lengthy retractification of the column. Our favorite paragraph of the six-page Review of Complaints after the jump.