Old-money model-heiress Lydia Hearst (great-granddaughter of the tabloid magnate) wants to position herself as a classy model-heiress by letting us know, "I went to college. I'm a supermodel. I have a legitimate career in journalism, television, fashion and designing. I'm a Hearst, not a Hilton!" We can only assume that by a "legitimate career in journalism," she means her monthly column in Page Six Magazine—which is hardly a career in journalism, honey! (Neither is blogging, but we can't all be born heiresses.) Other ways that Hearst is more similar to Hilton than she may think:

Just hours after professing her dedication to zipping her lips when it comes to airing any dirty laundry from her marriage to Charlie Sheen on The Today Show, Denise Richards showed up on The View to dish with the gals. And though she wasn’t continuing her passive aggressive attack on Sheen’s sperm and promising us all that she just adores it (“I mean, we have two beautiful daughters!”), she went ahead and brought up her former bestie Heather Locklear in the conversation. As we all fondly recall, Denise appeared to have stolen Richie Sambora away from Heather and committed double adultery during the top secret couple's many lobstery beach ventures. But it just isn’t true, says Denise, and Denise doesn’t do drugs, says Denise, and Denise is just not a whore so stop calling her that, says Denise.

"First Supermodel" Janice Dickinson favored some lucky Page Sixer with one of her patented over-sharing meltdowns the other day. Apparently, Dickinson carries around a photo she tore from a gossip rag showing fellow former model/talk show host Tyra Banks holding a copy of Dickinson's book, No Lifeguard on Duty. "Dickinson showed us the torn-out magazine photo with a caption saying Banks was on her way to speak with young girls and offer her advice. 'And she's using my book, Dickinson fumed. 'I mean, the thing looks so worn it's like she's been reading it on the toilet. It's pathetic. Where's her originality? Does she have no shame?' Dickinson, who's in talks with NBC for her own chat show, said she'll invite Banks on to confront her."

We take a moment now to honor the memory of the two biggest bitches in Hollywood history—that would be Bette Davis and Joan Crawford—whose man-swiping, lesbian-overture-rebuffing, Oscar-campaign-sabotaging exploits provided the behavioral template for generations of shock starlets to come. Today's Daily Mail provides a highly engrossing and detailed account of their lifelong rivalry, its poisonous roots stemming of course over ownership of a man—in this case, actor Franchot Tone. (He might not look like much, but trust us—this guy was totally the Joel Madden of his day.) It all came to a head on the set of the 1962 sleeper thriller that would offer both women not only an unlikely comeback, but all the near-fatal accident-rigging they could handle:

While it's always difficult getting used to living with a new roommate, it's not as though Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson met on Craig’s List. After years of jaunting off to Tokyo, tag team DJ nights and generally painting the town pink like two regulars at Truck Stop Fridays, their most recent squabble sounds less like a trivial fight over a messy apartment and more like a rip-roaring catfight one sees at female roller derby tournaments:

Lauren Goldstein Crowe, the Portfolio fashion blogger, posted her last post today. She continued the grand tradition of bloggers on their way out: the big fuck-you last post. Noted was Moe from Jezebel and other alleged meanies of the internet, who she had been advised to ignore. But she couldn't help herself!

Conan O'Brien was the lead guest on The Tonight Show last night, and he graciously left behind his tape measure and fabric swatches, while Jay Leno kept his passive aggressive put-downs of his scheduled usurper to a comfortable minimum. Among his entertaining anecdotes, Conan recalled the time he hosted the Emmys of two years ago—before Fox got their cracked-out claws into them, and transformed the ceremony into a one-ringed-circus presided over by Master of Women's-Footwear-Identifying-Ceremonies Ryan Seacrest. Describing the tense scene from the wings, Conan recalled an increasingly desperate stage manager giving a live play-by-play of the Charlie's Angels diva-feud that could very well have altered the course of Aaron Spelling Production cast reunion history forever.

The relaunch of free bar mag Homo Xtra ("the totally biased, politically incorrect party paper") is turning into a hair-pulling match, spilling into the streets of Queerty with stories of secret meetings and whatnot. Like a trannie fight (which we use as a comparison only because Boulton is proudly macho!), it's super high-pitched and confusing. As told to Queerty, "It's bullshit that Matthew Bank listens to everything Neal Boulton tells him to do like a puppy dog (like fire Matthew Farris!). They have secret meetings that everyone can overhear." Sounds like someone—besides every single mediagay in town—might be mad at Genre gay-mag editor Neal Boulton, who's a consultant for HX's relaunch. Quite possibly for his free-spirited bisexual ways? We asked Boulton to explain the accusations about trouble at HX and he did, entertainingly, ending with, "I did not, and I want you to listen this now, have a Prada suit from last year on last week."

While she hasn't been caught with coke pants or knives (yet), budding leggings designer Lindsay Lohan has been caught throwing two tantrums back to back. Whether or not the allegations are as suspect as those made against fellow ex-rehabber and possible anger management candidate Owen Wilson remains to be seen, but the reasons behind Lohan's hissy fits are classic entries in the long history of diva freakouts. So what and who has driven Lindsay off the wall recently? Onions, and one of her best frenemies, Paris Hilton:

With two superstar parents and a lifetime spent travelling in Hollywood circles, you'd think Kate Hudson would be pretty up on her brethren in the acting community (especially those actresses gracing the cover of just about every other glossy on the newsstand). But apparently the name Katherine Heigl doesn't ring a bell with the former Mrs. Robinson. In an interview with UK Elle, the no-longer-single blondie allegedly feigned ignorance when Heigl's name was brought up, asking:

Poor Jennifer Aniston. After mustering up the courage to show up to a pre-Oscars party where she was supposed to finally come face-to-face with her man-stealing rival Angelina Jolie, the rug got swept out from under her when Jolie failed to show up for the event. But the glossies seem to be getting the angle all wrong. While Us paints Aniston as the victim (their hed: "Angelina Jolie continues to keep the power over Jennifer Aniston"), we have to disagree with their hypothesis. The tabs have relentlessly portrayed Aniston as a helpless single gal who can't catch a break, but the sheer fact that she dared show her face proves once and for all that Jen finally grew a pair. After all, for all Jolie's pre-show talk, when the time came for long-hyped matchup to go down, Angie couldn't walk the walk.

Maybe Julia Allison should just stick to communicating via smoke signals, since everything the woman writes on anything more permanent is made immediately public. Of course, that might interfere with the dating columnist's constant Tumblr updates. Former New York Press sex columnist Kelly Kreth (the one who was fired for taste, not plagiarism) called Allison out today for lifting an imaginary game from one of Kreth's old Press columns for her blog. In the comments, Allison responded: "I've never heard of Kelly Kreth until this post. In fact, I've only read one issue of the NY Press, and that's when they called me an Asshole on the cover." Oh, Julia. You know perfectly well it's dangerous to tell a publicity whore that nobody knows who she is! Next thing we knew, an email found its way to our inbox, in which Allison tells Kreth that she "purposely doesn't read other dating columnists, I don't want to be influenced," and also warns the ex-Presser to "be VERY VERY careful with Gawker." Someone probs should have given Allison the same advice about Kreth too, we're thinking. After the jump, the sad little exchange.

There's always a chuckle to be had when one attention-whore snipes at another attention-whore for stealing her attention-whorey idea, however lame. Today we got an email from a very annoyed Kelly Kreth, the former New York Press sex columnist, who says that Julia Allison pinched something for her blog from one of her old Press columns! Color us shocked-Allison's interpretation of the "borrowing" concept is broad, well-documented, etc. After the jump, the brilliant idea Allison snaggled today from Kreth. First though, a followup request from Ms. Kreth.

Hey, we know what everyone could use right about now! A probably fake Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan catfight story, set at Timbaland's Grammys party, and ripped from the pages of a sundry British tabloid. Are we right? Of course we're right! Take it away, Mirror UK:

Dateline NBC traded in their spy cams normally used for busting Predators (not the ones from space, mind you, the ones that live next door to you) for the Vaseline-gauzed lenses required to shoot Hollywood's biggest and brightest in a two-hour Golden Globe special that aired last night after that pathetically boring Globes presser. During an interview with the universally adored Amy Adams, The Today Show's resident vixen Natalie Morales made an uncomfortable shift from friendly fluffery to attack dog journo mode when she grilled Amy Adams about her, *gasp*, former career as a waitress at Hooters. We haven't seen two girls go at it like this since Wild Things.

Two men who wear ties—Westchester dad and Time columnist Joe Klein and hot bloggy lawyer-liberal Salon boy Glenn Greenwald—are deep in a vicious tussle over a recent Klein column. In his Time column, Klein sort of made up an interpretation of a proposed bill and then went on a tirade about how America is pandering to terrorists. Now the liberals want Joe Klein to be fired! And Glenn Greenwald has written seven posts about Klein and how terrible Time magazine is in the last week.

Famously crotchety book blogger Edward 'Edrants' Champion has a bone to pick with Time Out New York EIC Brian Farnham, he declares via his website. "I wrote a profile piece for them in July, but didn't get payment for it until four months later. And the only reason I was able to effect payment that quickly was through persistent emails and phone calls, going directly up the ladder to Farnham," he begins. But according to Ed, that trip up the ladder was a rocky one! "This afternoon, I got a phone call from Farnham. It was an effort to try and shake me up. I had experienced this approach before by bullies in high school, but hadn't seen much action in my adult life outside of bars and law firms. 'How dare you!' he screamed at me repeatedly over the phone. 'Who do you think you are?' These were lines out of a bad melodrama. I responded with facts ... 'You'll get your check,' he seethed, sounding like a frat boy who can't get a new pledge to hand him his beer bong." Gosh, it sure sounds like Brian overreacted to Ed's "professional" insistence on being paid. Why was Brian so mad?

Remember when manly-man long-shot Dem candidate Joe Biden called Rudy Giuliani "the most under-qualified man since George W. Bush to seek the presidency"? The Delaware senator cattily continued: "There's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, and a verb and 9/11." Well, actually, "I" is a pronoun, so sorry, Mr. Biden, America's Bigamist is totally qualified to be president.

Every once in a while, we like to get a tour of a real sewer—and the drama surrounding the publication of 'Washington Post' media critic Howard Kurtz's latest book offered an opportunity too filthy to miss. Central to this particular mess's question is: Does a reporter's fondness or contempt for another reporter disqualify them from criticizing their work in print? (And if so, are we fired?) So let's go deep into the morass and play our favorite game: Who Hates Whom?

As expected, Page Six has retaliated against Radar for running two negative items about head Sixer Richard Johnson—one about his icky Vanessa Grigoriadis rape "joke," and one about his (alleged) icky enabling of Joe Francis' date raping—by digging up whatever gossip they could about (um alleged!) Radar investor and Page Six emasculator Ron Burkle. And it is that: He took out a mortgage.