Pope Benedict XVI is having trouble giving away tickets to the events he's presiding over during his visit to Britain. Even though he has a special rap track for the occasion!

Anne Rice wrote all those vampire books and we were like "Uhh.." and then she became a Catholic and we were like "Okayyy..." but then she quit the church and now she's speaking out and we're like "She's our hero!"

Mel isn't the only ranting Gibson. His Holocaust-denying father Hutton—who belongs to a fringe Catholic group—recently went on a radio rant, calling Pope Benedict "homosexual" and half the Vatican "queer." Hutton's so far right, he's almost a leftist.

In 1985, only 55% of women having premarital sex the first time used a contraceptive. Thanks for helping to spawn a large Gawker readership 25 years later, unintentional moms! Nowadays, Americans send a new message with their fucking: Fuck God.

Remember last week's post about the quasi-Catholic Japanese sex cult where they have yogurt-smeared sex on an altar in public? Their leader has been emailing me, and sent new pictures. Are these people for real?

What should excommunicated pervert priests do after their banishments? How about join a "Catholic" sex cult that requires a woman with yogurt-smeared genitals to copulate with her pastor in front of the whole congregation? Meet the Little Pebble church.

Is that a distended abdomen, or are You just happy to see me, Lord? Oklahoma churchgoers are not very pleased with a new crucifix that appears to grant Jesus a rather sizable dick. Crucifixion? More like "Cruci-dick-tion," am I right?

Two billboards advertising a papal visit to Malta have been defaced with Pedobear. "It is not clear why the artist in question juxtaposed the bears with the Pope," reports the Times of Malta. Let us clear it up.

Easter is the best holiday for sadists, as Catholics worldwide bloody themselves imitating the passion of Christ, just like Mel Gibon's torture porno with that name. It's also rural Filipinos' annual season of infamy, for literally nailing themselves to crosses.

New revelations of child molestation by Catholic priests, and the Pope's indifference, have his critics and defenders locked in a holy war of words. Some anticipate his downfall. Others see a secularist smear campaign. Here's your guide to the controversy.

The Holy See's official newspaper released a list of their top ten favorite rock albums ever. Number one: Revolver, which is actually the cooler Beatles choice. (Rolling Stone still says Sgt. Pepper.) But it gets weirder from there.

Duke University sponsored a study on female students' attitudes towards sex toys, which the director of the Duke Catholic Center worried would encourage the young women to "just sit around and masturbate." Do studies really do that? Awesome. [Katie Drummond]

Rev. Gregory Malia, the hero party priest defrocked by the church for being too awesome, is being investigated by Pennsylvania state regulators for insurance fraud at his hemophiliac health care business. Dom P does too thin the blood! [Morning Call]

Feeling sprightly after recovering from wrist surgery yesterday, Pope Benedict the &!# gives that corrupter of innocence Harry Potter and flagrant 'mosexual Oscar Wilde the thumbs up. It's another loony episode of "That's Our Benny!"

It can't be that often that priests have a chance to do some good for the world, can it? Well Father Alberto Cutié, the Miami celebripriest and admitted woman-liker, does. And he's shirking his duty.

A Catholic priest in a sex scandal? Who cares, after everything we've already been through? Well this one is an attractive, popular man, caught with a not-underage woman. Let's condemn his normality!

What the hell is wrong with Caroline Kennedy? Didn't she learn that she doesn't really care for public scrutiny, one bit? Why did she want to be the ambassador to the Vatican?

Oh man, Hillary made another GAFFE. She's just a gaffe machine! Bring back Condi! She got along with everyone! See, she didn't know that this image on this cloak was painted magically by God.

Martha Stewart's show today was all about pot! Pot pot pot! Jimmy Fallon was there, and he talked about pot! But right in the middle of the winky-drug jokes GOD INTERVENED.

Joseph Ratzinger's settled in as pope now, and he's really getting down to business with the crazy this year. What's he been up to and how will affect you?