According to Page Six, skeletal Viacom executive presence Sumner Redstone was so displeased by rumors that corporate lieutenants Les Moonves and Tom Freston are leaking stories about each other to the press that he leaned back in his throne (upholstered, of course, in the tanned flesh of a former board member who once disappointed him), breathed a world-weary sigh that rattled his frail rib cage in a most unpleasant way, and finally gave two exasperated tugs on the velvet cord dangling behind him, summoning his bickering minions for a sit-down in which he could personally administer a punitive spoonful of castor oil to each chairman:

Pondering Tom Cruise's current standing with the American moviegoer makes us sad and tired. But do you know what makes us very, very happy? That's right: a gigantic image of Les Moonves in an innertube (which copyranter so generously scanned for us from a recent issue of Broadcasting & Cable) which remind us that a fresh round of colorful, Jeff Zucker-pummeling Moonves quotes from next week's network upfronts is just around the proverbial corner. Maybe this time the CBS folks will give us the punch line to that "a priest, a rabbi and Jeff Zucker go into a bar" joke and finally end a year of crippling suspense.

· In a move that surprised absolutely no one, NBC picked up Aaron Sorkin's behind-the-scenes-at-SNL pilot Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. leaving the network to decide whether or not there's also room on its schedule for Tina Fey's still untitled behind-the-scenes-at-SNL pilot. [Variety]
· Columbia buys an Ashton Kutcher pitch for a "modern-day Shampoo," but with florists instead of hairdressers, Kutcher instead of Warren Beatty, and brain-dead teenagers instead of the movie's original target audience. [THR]
· CBS helpfully subtracts themselves from our summer viewing plans by unveiling a line-up of "docusoap" Tuesday Night Book Club, Ricki Lake's Game Show Marathon, and the return of Big Brother and Rock Star. [Variety]
· CBS unveils its broadband channel, Innertube, with slate of "original, low-cost" (read: very low cost) shows. We expect one of the channel's initial offerings, Webcam Pointing at Les Moonves' Parked Car So That Fucking Valet Won't Scratch It Again, to be its first breakout hit. [THR]
· Oxygen's announcement of the "largest development slate in its history" leads us to believe that the network still exists. Further research is necessary. Developing... [Variety]

· The LA Weekly's Nikki Finke says that Les Moonves has kidnapped The CW. How could anyone in Hollywood have seen such a power play from network television's beloved future galactic dictator coming?
· The Most Beautiful Person in the World hates discussing her relationship, but loves KFC!
· This just in: One of Aaron Sorkin's fictional characters has a drug problem!
· If the Britney Spears statue made you queasy, please don't look at this cartoon involving Katie Holmes in the same pose.
· Does Francis Ford Coppola ride the Metro? Metroblogging LA uses highly scientifical image-enhancimifying tools to investigate.
· What if celebrities had their own MySpace profiles? They do? OK, what if celebrities had their own parody MySpace profiles?

As outrageous details continue to trickle in about the Charlie Sheen-Denise Richards divorce scandal—effectively upgrading it from celebrity "dirt" to "Satan's fly-covered feces"—it struck us that the only missing elements from the sordid tale were a porn star corpse and the looming spectre of O.J. Simpson. Well, check and check, according to Rush and Molloy:

We'll have to wait and see how Dallas fares at the box office before we can start looking forward to the 80s nighttime soap movie adaptation we really want to see: Dynasty: The Motion Picture, an urban reimagining with Ice Cube and Queen Latifah in the Blake and Krystle roles, and a 72-year-old Joan Collins back as Alexis (thanks to a clause buried in her brilliantly negotiated season three deal). Until then, however, we'll just have to settle for Dynasty Reunion: Catfights and Caviar, one of those clips-and-anecdotes specials coming soon to CBS. USA Today was on hand to record it all—from the catty remarks made behind Collins' back to the arrival of beloved series patriarch John Forsythe, who hasn't been seen in over a decade:

How wonderful to be a faculty member at the University of Florida — you're actually paid to examine the intricacies of the Today Show (and here we are, just staring at the figure-flattering swimsuit segment, not making a dime). A recent study released by one such faculty member found that CBS-bound Katie Couric actually did less fluff reporting than her co-host Matt Lauer. In an of analysis over 700 stories, Couric only covered 37% of the show's entertainment segments, compared to Lauer, who covered 41%. (To be fair, one "glib" interview with Tom Cruise is worth at least an extra 3% in Lauer's column.)

As we watch Katie Couric bounce and giggle her way through the Today Show, we're having an increasingly difficult time picturing Her Royal Perkiness anchoring the CBS Evening News. We have to wonder, will the new gig even last? You tell us.

• CBS Evening News' current anchor Bob Schieffer takes his replacement, Katie Couric, to a very public lunch at Michael's. Nothing like a publicly staged lovefest to hide the violent animosity. [Lowdown]
• A New York call girl has penned a tell-all (of course), in which she tells of "crack-fuelled," kinky sex with West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin (of course). [Page Six]
• An anonymous friend worries that rapper Eminem may try to hurt himself. Better that than his estranged wife, we guess? [Media Takeout]
• Famed fabulist James Frey emerges from hiding just long enough to donate a batch of signed copies of A Million Little Pieces for an ASPCA auction to raise money for a Louisiana shelter. Aw, now those poor puppies will never survive. [Page Six]
• Actor Dennis Hopper admits that he voted for Bush, and yet he still prances about lower Manhattan, relatively unharmed. [R&M (2nd item)]

Katie Couric's deal at CBS may have her making $60,000 per day, but that doesn't mean she can throw her money around — she's got two daughters and hundreds of stilletos to provide for. Couric has no choice but to keep a strict budget, as a reader working with an uptown nanny farm learns:

Just 25 hours since Today Show host Katie Couric announced her departure for the CBS evening news anchor chair, and producers are already pulling out the subtle stops. In the touristy crowd outside of Rockefeller Center, a handmade sign has been placed in the hands of an unsuspecting child. It reads, "Katie! I will miss you when you go to CBS! Good Luck!"

• Yesterday's American Media bloodletting will cut the mag publisher's workforce by 9 percent. [WWD]
• And will save the company about $10 million. [NYP]
• With Katie Couric heading to CBS, NBC is days away from a deal to bring Meredith Vieira to fill her clickety stiletto heels. [NYT]
• Gabe Sherman agrees: Times Discovery Channel might be on its way out. Plus Hearst in the new tower, Lapham at Michael's, and Raines at Harvard. [NYO]
• The New York Times has finally done something to make Jack Shafer happy. So now he'll cancel his subscription. [Slate]
• The Week names Nick Kristof Columnist of the Year. We imagine Andrea Peyser is devastated. [E&P]

At about 7:30 AM, Katie Couric came clean:

With higher-level problems plaguing the Paramount lot recently, executives probably haven't had too much time to worry about new and exciting ways in which to humiliate the CBS employees cast out of Viacom Eden following the company's corporate schism. However, it seems that someone finally found a free moment to organize the distribution of new ID cards to all Melrose lot-based staff, perhaps finally closing any loopholes that might allow the CBS unwashed to infiltrate Paramount-sponsored screenings and possibly presaging the re-revoking of the beloved DVD discount. According to a memo (presented in full after the jump, because Paramount memos are infinitely more enthralling than ones at your place of business) distributed around the lot, CBSers will get their own brands cards sometime in July, allowing plenty of time for Viacom to finish constructing the tiger cages provisional workspaces to which anyone foolish enough to show up to the trap ID distribution will be relocated.

[ABC]

• "Katie Couric's deal to move to CBS News is completed in principle, and an announcement that she is leaving NBC might come as early as this week." Which would be a relief, so we could finally stop hearing speculation about it. [TV Week]
• Budget Living's failure shows that indie mags just don't work anymore. But shhhhh... Ron Burkle might hear. [NYT]
• Jim Cramer says the Times should ditch paper and move entirely online. He's crazy, of course, but in that case also probably right. [NYM]
• The NYT's new web redesign — and the Journal's of a few weeks ago — are about creating more ad inventory and adding news aggregators. [Ad Age]
• Is Hearst looking to replace Glenda Bailey at Bazaar when her contract is up later this year? Well, no, says the company, and her numbers look good, too. [WWD]
• ESPN to start broadcasting dominoes games (matches?). Remarkably, this does not seem to be an April Fools joke. [NYT]
• NYO TV columnist Rebecca Dana has a signed picture of Richard Dawson on her mantelpiece. We're a little jealous, to be honest. [Jossip]

· Fox's new teen-obsessed division is starting to pull its shit together, finally choosing a name (Fox Atomic) that seems like it's trying to capture the attention of Nickelodeon-obsessed 11-year-olds. But what do we know? We didn't spend tens of thousands on branding research, so we probably would've gone with Fox's Rainbow Party. [Variety]
· Either Arrested Development's Jeffrey Tambor or MPAA head Dan Glickman has been cast in the NBC comedy pilot Twenty Good Years. [THR]
· Warner Bros. casts Mandy Moore and Robin Williams in the romantic comedy License to Wed, but you can swallow down the bile rising in your throat—The Office's John Krasinski is in talks to play the love interest, sparing us all the thought of Moore and Williams making out. [Variety]
· With American Idol giving up Thursdays after it downshifted to just two episodes a week, CSI gets back to the business of kicking in the teeth all other shows daring to broadcast on its night. [THR]
· Yeah, we mentioned this at the end of the day yesterday, but Warner Bros. announced that at least 20 minutes of
Superman Returns will be converted into IMAX 3-D, allowing fans to believe that various super-appendages might break free of the giant movie screen and slam them in the face. [Variety]

• Michael Kinsley thinks newspapers should give up on objectivity. We, of course, despise that idea of subjective coverage. We really despise it. [Slate]
• The latest Times/TimesSelect op-ed/website combo: Columns from Judith Warner. [NYTCo.]
• Sales are finally picking up at OK! America, and so Sarah Ivens gets a new contract. [NYP (second item)]
• Is CBS using Public Eye to take potshots at NBC? One can hope. [LAT]
• John Huey has good taste in lip balm. [WWD]

• Steve Friedman, former NBC and CBS morning guru, returns to CBS News. Just in case there weren't enough variables in the Katie-Diane-Charlie-Evening News-Wall News Tonight morning-show calculus. [NYT]
• Remember the big launch of the Discovery Times Channel? Yeah, us barely, too. Turns out the Times Co. has a chance to cash out its stake next month. Can't imagine why Pinch & Co. would want to back out of a venture no one watches. [RMN via Romenesko]
• It may not seem fair that Arthur and Janet got big bonuses while Times Co. stock was stagnant, jobs were being cut, and employee stock-purchase plans were cancelled, but it's in line with what bigtime execs should get, right? Well, maybe not, says a proxy watchdog service, which pays attention to things like what bigtime execs should get. [NYP]

· Universal picks up the rights to the forthcoming memoir How Starbucks Saved My Life, about an ad exec who loses his job and becomes a professional macchiato slinger, with the intention of having Tom Hanks don the green apron. Of course, the book's author was in his 60s during the personal crisis, but fudging the age downward should make the whole story that much more poignant as the humbled, middle-aged Hanks struggles to master the frappuccino blender. [THR]
· Nicole Kidman and writer Simon Kinberg will "team up" (can't you see them high-fiving after he delivers some rewrites?) for a spy thriller already acquired by Regency Enterprises and 20th Century Fox. Think the Bourne Identity, but with a hotter—and more female—Matt Damon. Those killing-machine superspies are always losing their memories! [THR]
· Walken. Ping pong. Balls of Fury. Choppy grammar meant to express overwhelming excitement. [Variety]
· Think the underdog-filled Final Four totally screwed your brackets? Think about what they might do to CBS's ratings. [THR]
· SAG members have "strongly backed" a strike against cable TV over residuals, threatening to shut down Monk, Nip/Tuck, The Shield, and whatever other shows we should be watching when we're killing our souls on Blowout reruns. [Variety]