Broadcasting & Cable previews some of NY Times reporter Bill Carter's behind-the-scenes book on the last five years in the TV business, Desperate Networks, which we're hoping will bear the somewhat unwieldy subtitle The Amazing Adventures of Scratchy Les, Purple Steve, and Zippy the Golden Boy:

Last week's stunning $3.6 million fine of CBS for its now-infamous Without a Trace "teen orgy scene" has other network executives crapping their collective pants in fear, as they realize that the venerated practice of using some primetime-boundary-pushing sex for an easy Nielsen spike may have expensive consequences. Today, the NY Times reports that The WB has willingly self-censored the first episode of its soon-to-premiere series The Bedford Diaries (the first time we'd ever heard of the show—if this is a publicity stunt, nice job! It's working.), banishing the slightly racier, lesbian-lite version to their web site:

Predictably, the clip of Without A Trace's $3.6 million teen sex orgy of teenage sex-type shenanigans was quickly yanked from YouTube due to "copyright infringement" (read: CBS lawyers) shortly after we posted about it. But as several readers reminded us, a clip of the scene is still available on the Parents Television Council website, who really go the extra, crazy mile by also offering this shockingly detailed blow-by-blow of the offending footage. Enjoy the hott, full-text, teen-on-teen-on-teen action, courtesy of one of your favorite watchdog groups!

UPDATE: If you haven't noticed yet, YouTube has pulled the video. If you're really dying for a clip of a "teen sex orgy," we're sure Google can provide you with tens of thousands of more explicit options not owned by CBS.

After almost 38 years as a 60 Minutes correspondent, Mike Wallace has decided to retire. TV Newser reports that Wallace will take the role of Correspondent Emeritus, and Wallace tells the Times:

The LAT's Channel Island TV blog has a preview of what you'll see if you tune in to tonight's Late Show, where Howard Stern escalates his public pissing match with generously betoothed CBS CEO Les Moonves by lighting a flaming bag of excrement right on Moonves' network doorstep:

We apologize for not quickly posting the answers to Friday's blind item guessing game — but, well, you kids actually have to guess in order for us to post some results! Even if you've not the slightest clue on blind items, we live for you to pull random, nonsensical answers out of your well-sculpted asses.

Fans of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report not satisfied by the fifteen times a day the shows are played on Comedy Central can now download episodes through iTunes, either on an a la carte basis or through a monthly subscription of $9.99 for a month's worth of episodes. [Variety]
The success of My Name is Earl and The Office fill trendfucking networks execs wild with single-camera lust, as nearly half of all comedy pilots ordered will eschew the laugh track. [THR]
Despite the fact that CBS is trying to sue him back to the telegraph era, Howard Stern will appear on Letterman on Monday to battle Les Moonves on his turf. [Variety]
More pilot casting madness: Dennis Miller and Joe Mantegna join the cast Bonnie Hunt's untitled detective comedy (detectives are the new psychics) for ABC, Chris Elliott signs up for a semi-autobiographical comedy with CBS, and The CW risks comedy crib death by talking with Nick Lachey about starring in its first sitcom pilot. [THR]
John Cusack will star in the adaptation of the Stephen King short story 1408 for Dimension, granting him a temporary stay of romantic comedy career execution. [Variety]

Stacey Snider may have jilted Universal to go shack up with DreamWorks, but she's still got 10 months left on her contract. So either Paramount's lawyers find a way to spring her (read: $$$), or she suffers the horrible indignity of being paid ridiculous sums by Universal to vacation until her pact expires at the end of 2006. [Variety]
It's not exactly news that American Idol has staggering ratings, but holy shit: 33 million people tuned in to see the final half hour of last night's 90 minute show. [THR]
Not all pre-Oscar parties are pointless, celebrity-packed orgies of decadence; in fact, many soirees in the coming days are celebrity-packed orgies of decadence that benefit charities. [Variety]
· Rob Lowe and fellow West Wing alums Mary-Louise Parker, Gary Cole, Tim Matheson, Marlee Matlin, Anna Deavere Smith, Timonthy Busfield, and (deep breath, almost done) Annabeth Gish will stop by the Wing to say goodbye in its final run of episodes. [THR]
· Shortly after the announcement that CBS is suing Howard Stern, Big Les responds to a Stern attack in inimitable Moonvesian fashion: "The good news is that not as many people will hear him as would have a year ago." [Variety]

• CBS Radio sues Howard Stern for using their air to promote his new Sirius show. So why didn't they just kick him off the air back then? "I'm the one who kept you on the air and I knew I could sue you afterwards," Stern says Les Moonves told him, presumably with an enormous, blindingly white smile. [NYT]
• Boston Globe in talks to print, distribute New York Post in Massachusetts. And finally New Englanders will have their hoped-for chance to play Post Poker. [BG]
• You know Nancy Grace, the crusading anchorwoman on CourtTV and Headline News? Yeah, well, she's kind of full of shit. [NYO]
• Bode Miller was Jim Kelly's second-worst cover decision, the Time editor, whose hindsight checks in at an amazing 20/15, tells Jon Friedman. [MW]
• NYT's Elisabeth Bumiller to write Condi bio; NYT's Steven Weisman, Bumiller's hubby, to get kicked off State Department beat. Such are the compromises of married life. [NYO]

· Sony, Paramount and Warner Bros. are cutting back on movie releases for the Sony PSP handheld video game system, turning fans of squinty-entertainment to the downloadable promise of the video iPod. [Variety]
· American Idol and House beat NBC's Olympics coverage by a wide margin in the ratings. Health officials now express concern that audiences will soon choose watching the reality show over doing anything else, including eating and breathing. [Variety]
· Requiem for a Dream director Darren Aronofsky gets first-look shingle at Universal, nearly passes out fantasizing about the possibilities of big budget Jared Leto-getting-his-arm-sawed-off sequences. [Variety]
· Pilot season casting frenzy: Teri Polo in CBS' Welcome to the Jungle Gym (get it?), Connie Britton in NBC's Friday Night Lights, and Daryl Sabara in TBS' Boy's Life. [THR]
· CBS and NBC shake up their schedules, with CBS moving Out of Practice and Courting Alex (the who now, what now?) to Wednesday, and NBC extending a show we've heard of, The Office, to May. [THR]

· Amidst the expected, ugly fight for incredibly scarce Oscar tickets, a philosopher is born: "Any system that produces a wide range of unhappy people is probably pretty fair. If everyone is equally unhappy, then maybe we're doing it right," said the Academy's executive administrator. [Variety]
NBC's ratings for the Winter Olympics are deemed "so-so," especially when compared to the demographic-attracting monsters Lost, American Idol, CSI, and Desperate Housewives. And in case you were wondering, the semi-secret Friday night Arrested Development finale finished up the series' Fox run with a ratings "whimper." [THR]
NBC's Kevin Reilly has been "drinking the Kool-Aid" (not the Guayana Suicide Punch flavor, yet), lusting at the downloading prospects of new, serialized Dick Wolf Hollywood crime drama Power. Will hard-boiled cops and harder-boiled fake tits play on a three-inch screen? Reilly's betting on it. [Variety]
Feel free to ignore any story that leads with the words "Skeet Ulrich has been tapped to star," because it only goes downhill from there. (I.e., Mark Feuerstein's next career move is mentioned.) [THR]
And the award for Filthiest-Sounding Title for a Series of Articles goes to Variety, for "Nurturing the Niche." [Variety, Variety]

Sunday's LAT conducted a forensic investigation into the cause of the death of The WB, determining that the network never really recovered from losing Buffy the Vampire Slayer to UPN in 2001. With UPN's foot temporarily in place on The WB's throat, parent company Viacom then brought in its closer to try and finally deliver the death blow:

Google actually apologized for making Google Video so lousy. Marissa Mayer came right out and said "We made a big mistake." Google's already scrambling to promote CBS shows on the front page, as Mayer says it should have done from Day One. Since when does Google apologize for half-baked services? Doesn't beta mean never saying you're sorry?

The NY Post reports that there is still hope that the new network Frankenstein that will be stitched together from the rotting parts of UPN and The WB might be spared from its unfortunate name:

Exposed flab enthusiast Richard Hatch has been found guilty of tax evasion, for failing to pay taxes on his Survivor winnings:

When you heard that the bastard child formed from the DNA of The WB and UPN would be called "The CW," a natural first assumption would be that the un-catchy, definite-article-dragging name was just a placeholder until CBS and Time Warner focus groups came up with something a little less clunky. No such luck, says The CW prime mover Les Moonves:

CBS Corp.'s Les Moonves wasn't the only executive pausing from calculating the value of his stock options long enough to send out a company-wide memo expressing a complex mix of excitement and sadness over the formation of The CW. Warner Bros. chairman/CEO Barry Meyer also issued an obligatory missive this morning, sealed with a kiss and a generous helping of execu-praise. Note his use of "bittersweet," an obvious code word for "you have probably lost your job by the time you finish reading this e-mail":

This morning, Time Warner and CBS Corp. announced plans to merge their fledgling netlets, The WB and UPN, into one mega-fledgling netlet, The CW. (Even after a shocking merger, they couldn't shake the definite article fetish.) The mind reels at the programming possibilities offered by the new, urban-skewing, teen-obsessed, soon-to-be perennially fifth place network, with Might See TV blocks of Everybody Hates Chris and Reba, and special crossover episodes featuring Smallville's young Superman rescuing his new Girlfriends from perilously sassy situations. In an e-mail to all CBS Corp. employees, CEO/eater-of-network-worlds Les Moonves pauses in the middle of the celebratory champagne shower to recognize the passing of UPN, and to foreshadow the corporate dry-heaves to follow:

· Not so fast, Glory Road! The Weinstein Co.'s Hoodwinked squeezes past Jerry Bruckheimer's uplifting basketball flick at the MLK holiday weekend box office. [Variety]
· David Chase says this is the last season of The Sopranos, no matter how much money HBO throws at him to stretch out the series into "bonus" mini-seasons. No, for real this time! [THR]
· CBS Corp. officially changes the name of its studio arm to CBS Paramount Television. Meanwhile, Brad Grey is considering starting a new TV division over at the real Paramount, which we're sure will be something suitably retaliatory, like Paramount Pictures' Fuck CBS TV. [Variety]
· X-Files creator Chris Carter sues 20th Century Fox TV for breach of contract, contractual interference and other claims over funds he claims to be owed. He alleges that 20th reneged on their deal because the terms were "too favorable" to Carter, i.e., they forgot to include the proper, obscure contract language to thoroughly but legally screw him out of money. [THR]
· Moving the Golden Globes to Monday to avoid the oncoming Nielsen freight train of Desperate Housewives pays off, with NBC winning the night despite a challenge from 24. [Variety]