We've heard of (and often tried) a lot of ways to ladder-climb in Hollywood, but "superstar tax-evasion defense attorney" is one we had pretty far down our list, just above "blogger." Still, that's not stopping Robert Bernhoft and Robert Barnes (or simply "the Bobs," as Portfolio refers to them in its November issue) from parlaying their momentum from last spring's Wesley Snipes trial into a kind of Malibu-based, Uncle Sam-swatting empire. "Wait," you ask, "didn't Wesley Snipes get three years in prison for misdemeanor tax evasion?" True, but these pinstriped paragons of justice have their own brazen, slightly lawyerly way of looking at it.After all, they argue, Snipes dropped the Bobs after they urged a "good-faith" offer to defray his tax debt on three misdemeanor charges — unprecedentedly dropped from the original six counts for his nonpayment from 1999 to 2005. The actor's rejection of the deal (at least until he showed up with $5 million in personal checks on the day of his sentencing) set the attorneys up to have their historic cake and eat it, too. And to hear Bernhoft and Barnes tell it, it's a delicious cake; if only there were government-stiffing action stars in their native Milwaukee to share it with. Next stop: Malibu, where they've already roped in Girls Gone Wild kingpin Joe Francis, who faces 10 years in prison if convicted next spring of felony tax evasion. And from there? The gutter is apparently the limit:

Exhibiting a soulful, undernourished defiance not seen since Nelson Mandela strolled out of a South African prison a generation ago, young Nick Hogan ended his own 166-day incarceration ordeal early this morning in Florida. There, at the mouth of the Pinellas County Jail, he was reunited with his mother Linda, sister Brooke and a gaggle of media whom Linda rebuffed on her 18-year-old Supra-wrecking, friend-paralyzing martyr's behalf:

Britney Spears was nowhere to be seen on the first day of her trial for driving without a license, a charge stemming from her decision to flee that haunted Petco parking lot where she struck a car in August 2007. With the hit-and-run allegations settled, however, and both her lawyer and the district attorney in agreement that her addled ass was behind the wheel, a jury will be left to decide Britney's fate in the bitter license battle. "A jury," you ask? Indeed: The Britney Spears License Trial actually has a jury of her peers, opening statements, potential jail time — all that criminal stuff that threatens to derail her lobby-waitress comeback before it even really began. But will she ever deign to drop in to testify in her own defense?In a word, no. At least that's the impression of her lawyer, J. Michael Flanagan, who asserted in today's opening arguments that Britney was exempt from holding a California license at the time of the collision. His client, he said, was a Louisiana resident with a valid license, home, and voter registration record in that state. Not good enough, replied Los Angeles deputy city attorney Michael Amerian, who called a DMV investigator who testified that the pop star didn't apply for a license until more than a week after the incident. So someone is lying, and if anyone can suss the truth, it's the jury of eight women and four men who were chosen this morning. And though our in-house legal analysts expect Britney to walk, the selection process portended a turbulent path to justice:

The Case of the Sticky-Fingered Domestics. The British tabloid press is reporting that Gareth Emmett, 25, has been arrested for suspected burglary following the arrest of parents Eric and June Emmett—who happen to be David and Victoria Beckham’s housekeepers. "[Posh's] dad Tony first became suspicious after being alerted to the personal nature of some memorabilia that was being flogged on eBay. He and wife Jackie checked them out – and were horrified to discover they were identical to items that should have been at their daughter’s mansion." Dammit! Just when we thought that orange bathrobe was practically in our hot little hands. [Daily Mail]

She Even Saw Grace Is Gone. Emily Leatherman, the unhinged admirer of John Cusack who used to toss "long letters of interest over [his] fence in bags with rocks and screwdrivers inside," was moments away from accepting a plea when an outburst led the judge to rescind the offer. She'll now stand trial for her Dobler-tracking crimes. [CNN]

W. star and Shreveport jail alumnus Josh Brolin spoke up for the first time on Wednesday about his bar brawl and subsequent detention by that city's police, illustrating a Southern idyll where he was maced, co-star Jeffrey Wright was Tasered and his assistant was hauled to jail for "asking too many questions." And while Brolin and his lawyers wait for the authorities to drop the charges that require him back in court later this fall, we're finally learning exactly how not throw a wrap party in Louisiana — if you must throw one at all:

In defending himself from a slander lawsuit—that's the one filed after he went on Letterman and called the woman who his wife ripped off her cookbook idea from a "wacko" and "hysterical" before suggesting her three names might mean she's an assassin—Jerry Seinfeld is pulling out the big guns: His beloved, long-running, top-rated sitcom has now been entered as evidence. The Smoking Gun reports:

· None other than Museum of Hollywood Jerks inductee Brian Grazer stopped by The Simpsons again last night. We can hardly wait for his take on Everyone Poops. We smell Oscar! · Sean Penn was so jazzed about getting in James Franco's pants, he just had to text his ex-wife about it. · It's your 2008 O.J. Simpson Conviction Keepsake Mugshot. · Ah, that's better: Recession Blocker allows you to read your favorite online news sources free of all those downer-inducing economic-apocalypse buzzwords. · Unfortunately, it does little to repel vampire hamsters and their similarly lethal friends.

So that does it. There will be no white Bronco to whisk O.J. Simpson homeward, no Cochranesque rhymes to grease a trail out the courtroom door. The Juice is cold and freshly squeezed, convicted late Friday on a dozen charges including armed robbery, assault and kidnapping with a deadly weapon. All told, Simpson faces life in prison for his role in the forcible theft of sports collectibles from a Las Vegas hotel room in Sept. 2007 (he's likelier to get seven to 10 years when sentenced Dec. 5), and while Simpson Murder Trial alums ranging from Fred Goldman to Marcia Clark are all but popping champagne corks at word of his date with the slammer, the all-white jury that convicted him insisted over the weekend that justice is blind — if not necessarily deaf.Convened for the first time since their landmark decision Friday, several of the jurors cited a parade of unreliable prosecution witnesses with convictions of their own and a weakness for checking their Keno tickets during testimony. The more important evidence was a collection of taped conversations that occurred between Simpson and pals "before, during and after the heist." Least incriminating, they swore, was Simpson's 1995 acquittal on charges of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman:

BREAKING: The Los Angeles D.A. won’t be filing DUI charges against Shia LaBeouf. After his rollover crash back in July that left him with a gimpy hand, he was cited for driving under the influence but never taken into custody. And now the D.A. says, “We have formally rejected filing DUI charges because of insufficient evidence.” (Translation: “We totally know that little brat was wasted, but we can’t prove it!”) Instead they expect to file charges against the other driver involved in the accident. Now, Eagle Eye just has to open at number one this weekend and Shia will really have a reason to celebrate. [E! Online]

Exchange Rate Flummoxes Elvis: Last we heard from former NY Times film critic and contributor Elvis Mitchell, he was explaining away the undeclared $12,000 that border agents seized from a cigar box last April in Detroit. All is forgiven, however, we're learning today — or rather, 51% percent is forgiven, as federal authorities agreed today to return exactly $5,880 to Mitchell. "If we believed it was from an unlawful source, or intended for an unlawful purpose, we would not have settled the case," said a prosecutor, who declined to say how the feds came to 51-49 split. A punitive lesson in currency exchange, perhaps? Guess away after the jump. [AP]

Having recovered from her recent airport tussle with nary a scratch, Nikki Blonsky appeared on Entertainment Tonight yesterday to give her first interview since her arrest for assault last month in Turks and Caicos. Naturally, we tuned in expecting the bruising, riveting play-by-play: The offending remarks made by Blonsky adversary/ANTM contestant Bianca Golden; how Nikki's father got involved; exactly which tag-team manuevers constitute the "Blonsky Sandwich"... The good stuff, for Christ's sake. Alas, the Blonskys' lawyer layeth down his own signature move known as the "Fluff Nelson," stripping even Golden's name from the story in favor of anecdotes about Zac Efron's unwavering support and the family that had her back all along. We're touched and everything, but wake us for the rematch in court. [ET]

Tossing The Old Eight-Ball Around In The Backyard: The LAT reports: "Ryan O'Neal and his son were being booked on suspicion of narcotics possession this morning after a probation search at the actor's Malibu home, authorities said. Deputies found Redmond O'Neal, 24, in possession of methamphetamine while a vial of the drug was found in Ryan O'Neal's bedroom, said Los Angeles County Sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore. The father and son will be held in lieu of $10,000 bail, he said." [LAT]

Having been struck by how much Kanye West looked like a fearsome Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle battling villainous paparazzi ninjutsus in his LAX arrest video—and then transported by a commenter via YouTube time machine back to our honey-sunlit childhoods, when Vanilla Ice dared to ask of the Caucasian hip-hop community, "Have you ever seen a turtle get dowwnnn?"—we were struck by inspiration. Moments later, Defamer video mixographer (with a minor in scratchology) Molly McAleer had composed a mixed-media masterwork, fusing the best of all pizza-loving, nunchuk-swirling worlds. Cowabunga, dudes!

As fearsome and adorable as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (his Gucci knapsack is his shell!), Kanye West showed little mercy today as he and a fellow attack-tortoise went about the business of destroying a variety of photographic equipment at the American Airlines check-in line at LAX. His reptilian vigilantism would ultimately get him arrested, but to us, he's just a hero on the half shell! PIZZZZZZZZA!!! [TMZ]

TMZ is reporting that Most Awesomest Presence in the Universe Kanye West—who just wanted to board his flight (wait, he doesn't have his own jet?) and relax with some electronic Connect Four and freshly baked First Class chocolate chip cookies without being hounded by the vulturous media—has been arrested for felony vandalism at LAX following a dust-up with paparazzi:

Raffaello Follieri's Grand Scam—a sweeping tale of international crime and intrigue that, like some lost chapter of The Godfather, hopscotched from the streets of Manhattan to the cobblestone walkways of the Vatican, a long-suffering love interest looking the other way all along—has nearly reached its gripping conclusion:

Borat Walks Free: A judge in New York threw out a trio of lawsuits accusing Sacha Baron Cohen, director Larry Charles and the rest of the sadistic Borat braintrust of duping interview subjects into infamous levels of stupidity while making the 2006 hit film. "Judge Loretta Preska said all three accepted money and signed agreements releasing the filmmakers from liability," reports the AP. "She noted in a Sept. 3 ruling the agreements said the plaintiffs consented to appear in a 'documentary-style' movie." Of course you saw it coming, but hey. The plaintiffs — including Borat's driving instructor and his feces-scandalized etiquette coach — could not be reached for comment, but are said to plan handwritten thank-you cards for Her Honor's consideration and an armed vigilante drive-by not to exceed 25 miles per hour. [THR]

For a while, it looked like No Country For Old Men might have been the perfect crime, one where everybody made out as a winner: Javier Bardem, Scott Rudin and the Coens with their Oscars; Josh Brolin with leading-man creds; and Miramax and Paramount Vantage splitting the $160 million worldwide gross. Did we forget anyone? Oh. Right:

You'd think that Gary Coleman's wedded bliss wouldn't have burned off so soon in the rural redoubt of Payson, Utah, where diminutive ex-child stars and their relatively Amazonian nuptial conquests have long retreated to peaceful, simple lives far removed from the flashbiulb glare of LA. But apparently even this dusky frontier 50 miles outside Salt Lake City has its predatory paps; they may wield disposable cameras, and they may or may not ask for permission, but whatever amateur shutterbug Colt Rushton did this weekend at a Payson ten-pinnery was enough to rouse Coleman from his heretofore gracious calm: