Mel Owes: Screenwriter Benedict Fitzgerald's misadventures in faith-based filmmaking continued Tuesday, when his second attempt to sue Mel Gibson for a cut of Passion of the Christ's $612 million global gross hit LA Superior Court. His first effort was rebuffed by a judge who said his complaint "lacked specificity and seemed to take a 'chain letter' approach" — although as we reported in February, the plaintiff's charge that Gibson and Co. "cobbled gobbles of money" from his undercompensated wares struck us as more sing-songy than anything else. Nevertheless, Fitzgerald's specificity literally doubled since then, with the jilted writer now seeking $10 million dollars in damages. We have yet to review the complaint itself, however, which we anticipate should reach us soon after the 10 people who received it yesterday attach postage and pass it along to their own selected 10. If this one bears any resemblance at all to the last one, we think we're in that group. [AP]

Andy Dick wears many hats: substance-friendly pansexualist, loving dad, and infrequent cannibal. We can add to that list chicken-wingery-parking-lot-felon, as the comedian was arrested at 2 a.m., found allegedly fondling a teenager in a van parked outside Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant in Murrieta. From TMZ:

Embattled pet-owner Dane Cook is finally being made to answer for his Pinscher-loaf sins, as his eviction trial for failing to pick up after his miniature canine companion Beast has just completed the jury selection process. (See him attacked by pragmatic paparazzi—"C'mon, Dane. It's just dog crap!"—above.) Among the questions asked by his counsel of potential candidates:

When fighting a highly publicized custody battle with the modeling industry's reigning Good Girl Next Door, it's probably not the smartest move to give Al Goldstein and Larry Flynt a run for their money as dirtiest old man. But that's just what pervy adulterer Peter Cook did yesterday while testifying against original Uptown Girl Christie Brinkley. Providing us with a handy preview of Rob Lowe's inevitable court date fighting for his straight-laced honor, the hottie architect let loose a series of confessions involving adorably vintage tales of web cam masturbation, office sex, and hush money hidden behind paintings. Read on for the sordid admissions that caused Cook to reach for a hankie and cry jurors a river.

In what will easily go down as the Most Insane Legal Filing of the Long Weekend, a male employee at The Rachael Ray Show has named producer CBS and several other staffers in a legal filing seeking $1.5 million in damages for anorexia discrimination. From TMZ:

Rescued from the precipice by the courageous members of NYPD's Anti 'Former Child Stars Trying To Score in a Park From Some Homeless Dude ' Vice Squad, Tatum O'Neal has finally learned what her sentence will be for trying to drown her Scottie-losing sorrows in the arms of her former lover, crack. Brace yourselves. This is not pretty:

The series of events that led up to the arrest of Anne Hathaway's con-ex Raffaello Follieri by the FBI has the NY Daily News wondering—as voiced by an unidentified, freeform-hypothesizing "pal"—if perhaps the Get Smart star had colluded with the Feds in exchange for a "get out of jail while we book your crooked boyfriend for scamming God out of his savings"-card. They report:

When last we left the Hogan family (though can we leave them if they won't go away?), parents Hulk and Linda had split up, and it wasn't pretty. Daughter Brooke accused the Hulkster of piledriving one of her friends, while cougar Linda fell into the arms of the 19-year-old pool boy. What's next for an estranged, straw-haired couple bored of screwing their children's dopplegangers? Elaborate, imaginary crimes:

Today’s news that Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon’s seven-year long marriage has just now “officially” ended invites all kinds of speculation on just why it took nearly two years for the divorce proceedings to finalize. Citing “irreconcilable differences” all the way back in 2006, the blonde duo split amid speculation that Ryan’s bad boy behavior ranged from publicly making out with current girlfriend Abbie Cornish on the Texas set of Stop Loss to an increasing level of resentment regarding his wife’s fast-rising star status. And while celebrity divorces do typically take longer than usual, considering how many more properties, cars, adultery allegations and cash they tend to have, we find the timing of this particular pair’s final John Hancocks a little suspicious given the past month's unusually abundant Reese-and-Ryan gossip flood. Is today’s news just a coincidence, or did each party's very public pictorial statements recently have anything to do with it?

Many of us learned more than we needed to about that trendy college dorm infection known as pink eye from Knocked Up and Stephen Colbert. In the elegant Apatow flick, we learn that farting on pillows will cause it, and on a recent Colbert Report, Stephen noted that farting on your boss’s computer is not cool, because of the e. coli and the, well, okay we’re done. But sadly the itchy inflammation is in the headlines once again thanks to Anne Hathaway, who delighted reporters recently by recalling her snotty, puss-filled, tear-blubbering kissing scene with Steve Carell while shooting Get Smart. As she said to Steve at the time, “My eye is red, puffy and dripping green — I'm snotty, and I'm just like 'Come here!'” Though Anne blames the irritation on sinus problems and the like, we wouldn’t be surprised if Anne’s slime actually came from her slimeball of a beau, considering a piece in today’s NY Post reveals the lawbreaker is in trouble yet again:

To add yet another unlikely wrinkle to the Wesley Snipes Totally Fucking Insane Tax-Avoidance Trial of the Century, artful Uncle Sam-dodger Wesley Snipes has convinced a judge (and, we suspect, unabashed Murder at 1600 fanatic) to release the actor on bail pending an appeal to his three-year sentence for accidentally forgetting in which shoe box he placed the IRS's $38 million check:

So there was this legendary rock producer? And he was a real weirdo who lived in a castle and was obsessed with guns and hating women? And this B-movie actress working at House of Blues went home with him? And her head was blown off? And the producer walked out with the gun in his hand and told his driver, "I think I just killed somebody?" Anyway, there was a trial, but the jury was hung, and so now there's going to be another. It's set for September. [Reuters]

Orlando-based pop svengali and accredited Boy-Band-Member Sunburn Inspector Lou Pearlman was sentenced today to 25 years in the fed for a decade-long scam that fleeced thousands of investors—including his own relatives—out of $300 million of their savings. It was the maximum sentence, but the judge showed some mercy by offering Pearlman one-month's deduction for every $1 million he returned. It's a crushing blow to the former impresario behind NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, and O-Town, though we're certain the born deal-maker will take full advantage of the virtual limitlessly supply of fresh male talent at his new home. Expect an all-con boy band resurgence in the coming years, with groups like Twenty2Life and Lockdown dominating the Billboard charts. [AP]

ICU Nerf-tag warrior Nick Hogan has received his sentence in a Tampa courtroom today: eight months in Florida county jail, five years' probation and 500 hours community service, plus his license revoked for three years. We hope this comes as a harsh wake-up call to all those street-racers among you: Your irresponsible actions do have consequences, like sitting around behind bars for a couple weeks until overcrowding gets you an early release, and you're forced to wait until your 21st birthday for that rematch with the guy in the suped-up Mitsubishi Eclipse with the "BRNTR8R" plates. [People]

In the mood for a downer? A South Florida NBC affiliate's website is live-broadcasting Nick Hogan's reckless driving trial. The girlfriend (almost fiancée—he was saving up for the engagement ring) of crash victim John Graziano has already tearfully read a statement describing Hogan's "stone face," revealed the meaning of his license plate CEHSP2 ("Capable of eluding high-speed pursuit,") and, most damningly, testified, "Three weeks after the accident, Nick showed his remorse...by bringing in board games, razor scooters, Nerf guns to shoot people with, and skateboards. I'm not exactly sure who rides scooters and skateboards in a...hospital's ICU unit knowing that their friend can't even breathe on his own." Join in on the fun now!

Jack Jordan is the lovelorn and deeply misunderstood man currently on trial for having developed—and who hasn't!—an irrationally obsessive crush on screen siren Uma Thurman. This in turn led him to perform such deeply unsettling, yet oddly touching, gestures as presenting Thurman with samples of his own stick-figure art—which we've reproduced according to trial testimony's exacting specifications. The AP now reports that a jury has found Jordan guilty. The conviction—one count of stalking and one count of aggravated harassment—means Jordan could face up to one year in jail.

After reading the vivid description of a greeting card plucked from the "Friendship - Stalked Actress" section of his local Hallmark store and presented by noted creep Jack Jordan to Uma Thurman on the steps of her My Super Ex-Girlfriend trailer, all we wanted was to catch a glimpse of the heavily-doodled correspondence. Sadly, none seemed to exist. No matter: We simply asked the talented team over at Defamer's Evidence-Recreation Dept. to whip us up this stunning facsimile, based upon Thurman's detailed testimony. We think you'll find it a satisfactory approximation of the original, down to the last ACME razor blade and "tee-hee."

It's safe to say that every celebrity, even Artie Lange, has their fair share of fans with crushes on them. But when the celebrity in question happens to be the Amazonian Tarantino muse Uma Thurman, this group of lovey-dovey fans will naturally include at least a few nutcases. Enter Jack Jordan, the soft-spoken schizo whose stalking enterprise we filled you in on earlier this week. But today, on the third day of his trial in New York, the actress finally took the stand herself to deliver her testimony. As the NY Times reports, Thurman began by describing a card Jordan had delivered to her trailer while she was filming My Super Ex-Girlfriend:

The jaw-dropping allegations made by a former Rob Lowe nanny against the actor's wife, Sheryl Lowe—which, by our count, contained one n-word, one use of the word "cockring," six separate mentions of male sex parts, and a chilling reference to minors that our non-deviant minds have yet to fully absorb—has elicited an official response from the accused. It comes to us courtesy of The Insider, so you'll have to try to tune out the smacking, salivary sounds that accompany it:

Amid the blizzard of claims flying back and forth between Rob Lowe and the former nanny claiming "false terribles" comes further accusations made against the Allegedly Pervy House of Lowe: A second nanny, Laura Boyce, has filed a cross-complaint against the couple in which she accuses Sheryl Lowe of doing everything short of demanding an au pair ménage à trois: