As we write this, recent CSI casualty Gary Dourdan is likely recovering from an even gnarlier Coachella hangover than most: TMZ reports the actor was discovered by Palm Springs police asleep in his car at 5:21 a.m., upon which he was arrested on "suspicion of possession of heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and prescription drugs," otherwise known as the bare minimum required to make a Jack Johnson set seem remotely exciting. His genuinely pained mugshot—we seriously can't stare at it for more than a few seconds—is pictured above. Developing...

After all that misdemeanor-ing, warrant-issuing and not-guilty pleading drama that followed Shia LeBeouf's recent adventures in cigarette consumption, a judge in Burbank on Thursday tossed out those nagging charges of unlawful smoking. "He was cited in February, but court documents did not contain details on the circumstances or location of the offense," reports the AP, but even we know he lit up outside the front door of tacky gift palace Skyblupink to keep those headlines coming in advance of the junket-less Indiana Jones 4. He's tough! He's tender! He's innocent! Works for us, we guess. [AP]

The Smoking Gun has uncovered yet another gem in Wesley Snipes's "Oops! I failed to pay $38 million to the IRS—but isn't that what the 861 Argument loophole is really there for? It isn't? Well, then, you're all racist!" Trial of the Century, reprinting two character reference letters recently penned by Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson. (You may recall that Snipes was acquitted of federal tax-fraud and conspiracy charges, but was convicted of a lesser count of failing to file tax returns, punishable by a potential jail term of up to 3 years.)

After having a Bert Fields-shaped carrot dangled before them, Pellicano trial-watchers will be disappointed to learn the famed Scary Hollywood Lawyer will not be testifying. Reports THR, Esquire: "Co-defendant Mark Arneson, a former LAPD sergeant, planned to call Fields, and the veteran entertainment attorney even showed up to court twice this week to take the stand. But he was never called, and today a spokesman for Fields said Arneson's attorney decided not to call him after all." With a witness list quickly running dry of A-list celebs and Hollywood power-players, we fear we'll soon go back to not caring again. Is there any way we can get someone fun on the stand? Maybe Bruce Vilanch in a "What, Me Worry?" T-shirt? [THR Esq.]

After all her fun-filled DUIs and failures to properly account for them, we expect nothing but the nastiest quotes to drip from jailbird Michelle Rodriguez's mouth. And most recently, she's directing her curse-filled anger towards we, the media. As the SCRAM bracelet-wearing actress tells Latina, anyone who dares to hypothesize about her sexuality and whether she likes girls or boys is just plain "slime":

Richie Sambora has long struggled with his addictions—themselves a natural response to the stresses of occupying one point on a messy Hollywood love pentagram whose details we can never quite get straight. (We think he was briefly married to David Spade before a bitter divorce led him directly into the arms of the Just Shoot Me star's former BFF, Heather Locklear.) But now, the Bon Jovi guitarist is facing far more serious matters, as Orange County officials are reportedly looking to slap the recently DUI'd Sambora with child endangerment charges:

As we learned last week, Brat Pack alum Rob Lowe's method of dealing with a pesky sexual harrassment charge made by his nanny includes letting the world know just how angry he is via blog. And coining our favorite new entry into the celebrity lexicon by calling the nanny's claims "false terribles." But as we saw on the Today Show this morning, nanny Jessica Gibson isn't letting catchy phrases stop her from standing by her accusations. And she's got one heck of a pit bull for an attorney to say that for her. Though Gibson could barely get a word in this morning, People reveals the lascivious nature of what exactly qualifies as a false terrible. The gory details and video of her interview, after the jump.

We weren't the only ones disturbed by that scratchy and highly controversial video showing Heath Ledger at a cocaine-filled party that emerged days after his untimely death. And now, an ex-girlfriend of one of the photographers present at the party is suing her ex's paparazzi agency under the alias "Jane Doe" for setting up the actor in an attempt to secretly tape him using drugs:

It's one thing when Courtney Love blogs about her legal problems, but Rob Lowe? Maybe it's our Brat Pack fever or simply the fact that he's always flashing the peace sign, but we never figured Lowe as the type to air his dirty laundry online. Especially when the laundry in question involves an alleged "close and intimate relationship" with a former nanny. According to a HuffPo post by Lowe yesterday, a longtime nanny is trying to extort money from him and his wife after claiming Rob pulled a Jude Law:

Whoo boy, LAT, this does not look good. According to The Smoking Gun, the alleged FBI documents the newspaper relied upon in their bombshell report accusing Sean "Diddy-Puffy-Puff Daddy-Sean John-P.Diddy" Combs's associates of having carried out the 1994 shooting of Tupac Shakur were forged. The culprit? Incarcerated con man named James Sabatino, a portly wigga with a vivid imagination and a desperate need to inject himself by any means necessary into the great hip-hop events of the latter 20th Century. From The Smoking Gun's report:

Denise Richards fling-survivor and two-time rehab graduate Richie Sambora experienced one of those nasty wake-up calls last night, stopped by Laguna cops shortly before 11:00 PM after swerving in a Black Hummer. "He failed numerous field sobriety tests and was detained for DUI. At the station Sambora opted to take a blood test rather than blow into a breathalyzer. Laguna Beach PD Sgt. Jason Kravetz [says], 'At this point there's no indication of drugs.'" Funny—we don't remember asking about drugs. We leave you now to spend some quiet time with Sambora's bemulleted mugshot, looking deep into those bloodshot eyes as you sing out to no one in particular, "Sometimes you tell the day/By the bottle that you drink/And times when you're all alone all you do is think."

The Bert Fields Chronicles. Chapter the Third: The Fifth Amendmenting: HuffPo's Allison Hope Weiner stands by the story she broke about Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields taking the Fifth at the Pellicano trial. Standing in direct conflict to Fields's rep's statement to us that Fields had not received so much as a Hanukkah card from the government "in five years," Weiner reports that prosecutor Daniel Saunders "said again this afternoon that the government had been notified by Mr. Fields' counsel of his intent to take the Fifth Amendment if called to testify." Saunders added that "Mr. Fields invocation of the 5th would be improper because the statute of limitations has long run on any of Mr. Pellicano's alleged crimes with respect to Bert Fields." [HuffPo]

We just got off the phone with Lonnie Soury, a rep for Greenberg Glusker Fields, who tells us there's nothing to HuffPo's report that Bert Fields would be taking the Fifth at the Pellicano trial. Soury tells us that "Bert has not talked to the government in five years," that he has "not been called as a witness," and that if he is, "he will testify. He won't be taking the Fifth. He has nothing to hide...That comes from Bert himself." Where, then, did HuffPo reporter Allison Hope Weiner get the idea that Fields would be taking the Fifth? According to Deadline Hollywood Daily's own "Extra! Extra! Bert Fields Has Nothing to Hide!" story, Assistant U.S. Attorney Daniel Saunders told the judge at a pre-trial hearing today that "one of our witnesses" would plead the Fifth. A Pellicano attorney asked who, and Saunders replied, "Bert Fields." Developing...

A round-up of several delicious developments in the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century:
· The biggest news by far is that the Scary Hollywood Lawyer at the center of this sordid affair, Bert Fields, has invoked the Fifth Amendment's protection against self-incrimination. Unfortunately for Fields, no amount of scarily worded cease-and-desists printed on firm letterhead and delivered by Krav Maga-trained assassin-couriers will serve to lessen the culpability implied by such a bold legal action. [HuffPo]
UPDATE: Bert Fields will not be taking the Fifth, and "has nothing to hide," a rep tells us.

Another day, another lawsuit against Lord Oprah. According to TMZ, an audience member who recently had her dreams come true by being allowed to sit among the teary-eyed, wild and crazy women who plunk themselves down in Winfrey's studio day after day, has been brutally trampled by her fellow Oprah-loving fans during a taping:

There was little that could have come from Brad Grey's testimony at the Anthony Pellicano trial today that would have matched the sensationalism of the last bombshell to emerge from this ongoing saga of backdoor Hollywood intrigue—i.e., the Chris Rock: Accused Rapist tapes. Still, there was plenty of opportunity for another Moment, the diminutive studio emperor having a sizable axe to grind with Garry Shandling, who pulled no punches on the stand in a brutally frank testimony against his former manager. (It would surely have included some waterworks had the Larry Sanders Show star not years ago had his face pulled tighter than a conga drum, effectively sealing every one of his above-the-neck mucus membranes tighter than Tutankhamen's tomb.) As it turns out, Grey did not use the opportunity to take some public jabs at his nemesis, instead delivering straightforward statements relieving himself of all knowledge of Pellicano's shadowy surveillance methods:

The unrepentant bad boy we always knew was lurking inside Shia LeBeouf finally broke out for good today when, as TMZ reports, the actor failed to appear at a hearing for a pending unlawful smoking citation from Feb. 18. LeBeouf, whose previous, equally dire legal woes over trespassing at Walgreen's ended in dropped charges last December, didn't get off as easy this time; after neither LeBeouf nor his lawyer appeared for an 8:30 a.m. court date, a judge reportedly issued a $1,000 bench warrant for the young Transformers star's arrest. Alas, "unlawful smoking" does not connote the kinds of sordid techniques of our favorite underground smoking fetish videos. LeBeouf merely stood too close to the front door of a Burbank gift store with a lit cigarette — merely a gateway misdemeanor, we're sure, to the inevitable gas station, airplane and hospital puffery we know is on the way. [TMZ]

It brings us no pleasure to inform you that Thomas Jane, star of the non-Dolph Lundgrenian version of The Punisher and husband of Patricia Arquette, was arrested early this morning for driving under the influence of a social lubricant. The details, as we know them so far:

It seems the rapid internet proliferation of a story about Dawn Wells getting picked up in Idaho with weed in her car—along with the most adorable mugshot in celebrity DUI history—wasn't quite as hilarious to its hero. The actress, best known for playing the wholesome-girl-next-door-half of Gilligan's Island's classic sex-object dichotomy (versus the island's far more experienced cougar, Lovey), has now gone directly to Entertainment Tonight to clear up any misconceptions about her nonexistent herb-indulging habits:

Maybe this Anthony Pellicano trial isn't as hopelessly bereft of A-list manure-flinging as we had initially thought. Just a day after Garry Shandling's bitterly frank testimony about former manager Brad Grey—which so riled the Paramount Emperor that the planned The Love Guru ice cream social was cancelled with a company-wide e-mail instructing staffers to, "Go enjoy a cup of Garry Shandling's steaming, fudge-covered horseshit instead"—comes something even better: A tape, which prosecutors say was made by Pellicano and obtained by The Huffington Post, containing a 31-minute conversation between Chris Rock and the private investigator. Rock secured Pellicano's services after the then-separated comedian engaged in a brief fling with what he describes as "a girl with big tits and white pants" back in 1998, who then turned around and accused him of rape. (Interesting side note: He took her to a dinner party at Guy Oseary's house attended by Madonna and Elisabeth Shue!) The charges were ultimately found to be bogus, and were never officially filed.