Imagine that you are a journalist, tasked with crafting a true, powerful, and insightful piece of writing about a well known celebrity that can puncture their veil of false mystique. Here is how it’s done.

At a star-studded gala honoring Angelina Jolie last night, Robert DeNiro reportedly got angry at some tech guy for “condescending” to celebrities. Chill out Robert DeNiro.

"Just received my waist trainer from @NoWaistClique!! #LovingIt" tweeted celebrity female Lindsay Lohan today.

Female celebrities are reportedly growing tired of the shallow inanity and vapid questions that come with walking the red carpet at awards shows. So boycott it, then.

You, the American consumer, are much like a mildly sedated monkey: passive; easily distracted; focused upon only the most superficial occurrences. A clothing corporation celebrates these traits in a new advertisement that will certainly catch your attention, you shallow monkey.

Aspiring writer James Franco is not afraid of jail. He has his time all planned out.

Last night at the Grammy awards, Macklemore beat out Kendrick Lamar for multiple "Best Rap" awards. Afterwards, Macklemore texted Kendrick an apology. Classy? On the contrary.

Lenovo, the global technology manufacturing firm that recorded nearly $30 billion in revenue last year, has named Ashton Kutcher, a former male model who rose to fame playing the stupid one on That 70s Show, as its new "Project Engineer." The time to dump your Lenovo stock is now.

A long time ago, Bonnie Fuller was the editor of real (if vapid) celebrity rags like Star and Us Weekly. But now she's just the editor of a very pink website called HollywoodLife.com, and the author of bizarre celebrity conspiracy theory columns. And a simpleton pundit for the most gullible elements of the advertising industry!

After a brief and panic-inducing sabbatical, Twinkies are coming back, now that investors have scooped them up from the dying Hostess corporation. The big question now: who can be trusted to represent this storied American chemical product?

Me-centric angst dump Thought Catalog is like some superhuman internet time-wasting android, rotely performing ever more jaw-dropping feats of repetitive navel-gazing as we wait nervously for the moment that it will become self-aware and DESTROY US ALL.

From the current (July 16) issue of OK! Magazine: "We often see Katie Holmes carrying around 6 year-old daughter Suri— dollies, blankets, and all. But on June 25, the little princess gave mom's back a break as they sprinted through the streets of NYC. With husband Tom Cruise shooting Oblivion in Iceland, the dressed-down Katie enjoyed some just-us-girls time with Suri, stopping by Chelsea Piers, Whole Foods and Jacque Torres Chocolate. They also saw the film Brave in the East Village. The pair rejoined Tom for his 50th birthday on July 3."

Hello out there. Look. I'm not going to beat around the bush or try to soft-pedal this point right here. Justin Bieber? This kid is not right. Not right at all.

Motivations are supposed to be pure in Silicon Valley. Facebook, for example, was developed to make the world a better place; its billions of dollars in revenue are just a happy accident. And when a Facebook scion eagerly promoted her titillating new reality show, she was roundly condemned as a terrible sellout—by people who were themselves dying to sell out.

Randi Zuckerberg has been awarded a Bravo reality show, a show that will follow young people trying to become "Silicon Valley's next great success stories." The mere existence of the program shows how the myth of golden opportunity in the Valley is, once again, far surpassing reality. But beyond that, the show's a clear signal that ridiculous, highly public interpersonal drama will continue to swirl around the Zuckerberg clan for some time to come.

The public relations industry is a festival of shamelessness in which the most shameless are never shamed. We are here to change that. This is PR Dummies. The most shameful shames, every week.

Celebrity self-justification platform The Huffington Post is launching a spinoff in France called "Le Huffington Post," French for "Another Fucking Huffington Post." Welcome to Arianna's global cocktail party, French people. You only think you're invited.

Yesterday afternoon, New York Times Co. CEO Janet Robinson abruptly announced her resignation. She may have been pushed out, though she got a nice fat "consulting" paycheck to cushion her fall. The important question now: who takes over?

Bono. This guy. The guy from U2. But you probably know him for being the world's all-around best human. He's not just some rock star that groupies want to bang; he's some rock star who's always writing op-eds about Serious World Issues, which makes an entirely new set of groupies want to bang him.

Jaleel White stole America's heart in the 90s as the nerdy but loveable Steve Urkel on Family Matters. Ever since, as the holiday season rolls around each year, we ask ourselves: "Does Jaleel have any last minute holiday gift ideas?"