A lengthy, in-depth report on the child sexual abuse scandals of the Catholic Church—a report paid for primarily by the Catholic Church—has found that it wasn't the whole "celibate, sexually frustrated men in close proximity to vulnerable children" thing that caused all the molestation. It was hippies.

A coterie of brave, attractive women in New York City—led by spiritual guru Julia Allison—are pledging to give up sex for upwards of two weeks in a purifying "celibacy cleanse." Like a juice cleanse, but less sperm.

Celibacy is not the pearly-gated Utopia that so many Americans think it is. It's been a hit in our puritanical country for centuries, but with Lady Gaga on board it's enjoying a new hipness. This is a very bad idea.

It can't be that often that priests have a chance to do some good for the world, can it? Well Father Alberto Cutié, the Miami celebripriest and admitted woman-liker, does. And he's shirking his duty.

A Catholic priest in a sex scandal? Who cares, after everything we've already been through? Well this one is an attractive, popular man, caught with a not-underage woman. Let's condemn his normality!