A lengthy, in-depth report on the child sexual abuse scandals of the Catholic Church—a report paid for primarily by the Catholic Church—has found that it wasn't the whole "celibate, sexually frustrated men in close proximity to vulnerable children" thing that caused all the molestation. It was hippies.

We know you're all surprised that the Catholic Church, of all places, would issue a self-evidently preposterous document blaming the liberalization of society for its own priests' uncontrollable urges to fuck anything that moves. But hear them out:

The report from the John Jay College of Criminal Justice said the majority of molestation cases involved priests who were ordained in the 1940s and 1950s, at a time when seminaries did not properly train them to live a celibate life. These men were not equipped to withstand the social upheaval of the 1960s, which was a time of an increase in sexual deviancy and crime in society at large, the authors said.

This is referred to as the "blame Woodstock" explanation, and it makes perfect sense. Just think about it: All-male environment? Check. Indoctrination into a belief system that describes a human's natural urges as dirty and sinful? Check. Enforced celibacy for life? Check. And then placing those desperately conflicted men into an environment in which they are the omniscient power figures lording over large groups of obedient young naive children? Check.

I don't see anything wrong there. So once you've eliminated every other possible cause, it has to be the hippies. They forgot to "properly train" the guys back then by saying, "Hey, when you see dope-smoking teens having free love in the park in your town, don't run back to the church and molest any children." By the time they added that section to the priest-training curriculum, well, certain mistakes had been made. It could have happened to any group of deluded, horny pedophiles.

Interesting side note: "the abuse decreased as more gay priests began serving the church." Suck on that, The Pope! Yeah, you wish!

[Photo: AP]