Sitting in a harshly lit anteroom, you watch a doomsday prophet don a pair of dark goggles. He leads three sycophants in some vulgar ceremony, dipping his face into a vessel of synthetic orange powder and instructing the servants to do the same. Is that Cheeto dust? You pinch yourself and flail, desperate to wake up, but this is no nightmare. This is yesterday’s episode of The Glenn Beck Program, hosted by Glenn Beck.

For years, the foodie "movement" was defined by its pretension: complicated cocktails were served in twee Mason jars, exotic spices topped affected dishes, and every trashy pastry was elevated into a delicacy. But that era's over. Now in San Francisco, the new leading exporter of obnoxiousness, there's a new king in the cupboard: monosodium glutamate.

[Photo via Imgur and Towleroad]

According to a CBS News story published today, Flamin' Hot Cheetos have been causing something of a panic among parents whose kids shovel the stuff in by the bagful, resulting in a reddish stool that sends them running to the emergency room.

Jason Schwartzman comes from a long line of Hollywood greats, but that doesn't mean he keeps his cool around stars like Sylvester Stallone, or even impress airport security guards. He does have one classy Cheeto pin though.

This afternoon, Glenn Beck went off on a tangent about his belief that unwise government spending leads to the decay of cities. Then, he used some very energetic—and delicious!—metaphors, comparing public funding for the arts to junk food.

Morrie Yohai, "an accomplished photographer, poet, professor and businessman," as well as one of the dudes that created Cheez Doodles, died of cancer at age 90. Today, we are all Chester Cheeto.

The theme of today's Rachael Ray was "Play with Your Food." She featured hibachi chefs, a champion of fried food, and a couple of food artists including Jason Baalman, who made a giant cheesy portrait of RR.

File under: AMAZING and/or the best thing you'll see all day. In this time-lapse video, a man uses thousands of Cheetos—in four varieties, natch—to construct a portrait of Conan O'Brien. Ready to have your mind blown? Watch inside.

If Americans cut their salt intake by one teaspoon a day, it could prevent "32,000 strokes and 54,000 heart attacks a year." Just one tiny god damn teaspoon. Jesus, just do it. For Chrissake. Just put down the Cheeto. The nerve of you people. [ABC]

[To keep from getting orange smears on her white dress, Britney Spears snacks on a Michael Jackson CD at Target yesterday. Image via X17]

After a brief, fruitful detour into Crazytown, pop starlet Britney Spears appeared to be on the mend: first there was the How I Met Your Mother cameo, then a sanity-spurred decline in baiting the paparazzi, then even a self-mocking MTV promo taped with Russell Brand! Things seemed to be going so well that we hardly batted an eye when OK! announced that Spears would be granting them her first interview in two years (after memorably storming out of her last encounter with the magazine). Then we saw the pictures. And the bag of Cheetos.Britney, Britney, Britney. Shouldn't you know by now that you've become so associated with a white-trash, Cheetos-chomping image that the last thing you should do is give the snack food priority placement during your comeback photoshoot? At least Spears evinced a semblance of self-awareness when she vetoed the idea that her children might follow her into the entertainment industry. Says OK!: