Christmas is only five days away, and it's likely that some of us (ahem) haven't done any shopping at all. Need some ideas? Here are some gift suggestions for the various weirdos you might still have to shop for.

The Weekly Standard's funnyman Bill Kristol has rewritten "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" and boy... it's a real knee-slapper! Here's a little tease: "By then we'll have entered the era of Boehner: Our pocketbooks fuller, our politics saner." Yup.

"Experts" have weighed in on the dangers of drinking too much during the holidays, and guess what? It's supposedly really bad for you, and could even increase the risk of cancer. But you can avoid this fate!

Remember that $11 million fake Christmas tree adorned with rubies, gold and diamonds in the lobby of the Emirates Palace hotel? The hotel says it regrets "attempts to overload" the holiday with gaudiness, and then blamed it on a jeweler.

Lewis Black muses on Christmas capitalization and marketing, wondering if the energy we invest into the material aspect of the holiday wouldn't be better spent on the large problems of society, while plugging his Christmas book at the same time.

Colombian special forces infiltrated territory occupied by FARC rebels and installed Christmas lights on an 82-foot high tree. They hope that this will encourage them to surrender. Except the Jewish FARC rebels, I guess?

[Michelle Obama isn't coming to town, but she is helping the Marines sort 100,000 toys for their Toys for Tots program. Image via Getty]

Just in time for Baby Jesus' birthday, here's a new video from everyone's favorite spoiler mongers, the Fine Brothers. Here, Benny and Rafi spoil the endings of 50—yes, 50!—of your favorite Christmas movies, all in about three minutes.

[Last Friday, Barack Obama abandoned Bill Clinton at a press conference to attend a Christmas party. Big mistake! Because at the party, he had to "hang" with an a cappella group — an exhausting process. Image via Pete Souza/White House.]

Here's a video of some guy in a Santa suit—he's thin, so obviously it's not the real Santa—dancing to himself on the side of a road. Why? Nobody knows. Who's filming him? Who cares! Come jam along, inside.

It shouldn't be surprising that rich people hire decorators to deck their halls with Christmas decoration, but the details, lavishness, and pervasiveness of it are staggering. Think about that as you hang your three ornaments on your $10 tree.

We don't know much about this poppin'-and-lockin' Santa seen boogieing on the side of the road in Detroit, but we do know that he's pretty freakin' awesome. Screw warbling carolers. We'd rather have this guy come to our door.

[A diver dressed as Santa Claus feeds the fish at the Sea Life aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany, today. Image via AP]

A hotel in the United Arab Emirates has unveiled "the most expensive Christmas tree ever," a 40-foot fake decorated with jewelry valued at "over 11 million dollars." How much did you spend? $20? Guess you don't actually have Christmas spirit.

[We're not sure exactly what this holiday display in central London is begging for, but at least someone is asking for something nice for Christmas politely. Image via Getty]

I've come to believe the Kardashians are but an optical illusion designed to put viewers in a fugue state, wherein brain use stalls and the ability to recognize pores diminishes. Come, let us gurgle at the Kardashians' uncanny Christmas pictures.

Try going to your favorite website, GOP.com — home of the Republican National Committee — now. It should redirect you to a site named "The Gift of Christmas Future." This is what donations to the Republican party are called now.

Christmas carols can be beautiful reminders of one of the most exciting times of the year. They can also be horrible scourges that make you want to poke sharp objects in your ears. Here are some of the worst offenders.

Don't see Santa Claus in the picture yet? You will soon. Isn't Santa supposed to be fat, jolly, and most of all wearing a shirt?

Britain's Daily Mail begins holiday heartbreak story with the quote, "We'll sell our toys to pay for daddy's funeral," and the Dickensian drama just builds from there: Mounting debts; the looming prospect of home eviction; and little details like these: