[We may not be ready for Christmas yet, but Rockefeller Center certainly is after a 12-ton, 74-foot Norway spruce was hoisted into place today. Image via AP]

Today, Jessica Simpson debuted the first single from her upcoming Christmas album, called, "My Only Wish (For Christmas Is You)." One problem: it's a total rip off of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." Listen inside.

[Pop star Rihanna participates in the dastardly conspiracy to start Christmas early by appearing at a mall in London to turn on the "Christmas lights," surrounded by "rebellious flowers." Photo via AP.]

This morning we were greeted with a frightening sight. Duane Reade is already selling Christmas decorations. They're not the only ones. Stores across the U.S. are advertising holiday sales. You all need to shut up with this Christmas crap already!

Bad comedians are always like, "What's up with Christmas advertising starting earlier every year?" Those bad comedians, as usual, are absolutely right. The start of Christmas advertising this year was way earlier than last year. You already missed it!

Last week, Mariah Carey hawked her new CD, Merry Christmas II You, on HSN. During the segment, several fart-like noises, uh, emitted. Was it Carey? No! Apparently, it was her leather chair. Here's a video from Rich Juzwiak that explains.

Today we told you that, unfortunately, no one's buying you anything for Christmas this year. This inspired one commenter to write a cursed economy-themed poem for us.

As America's Second Great Depression wears on and the Christmas season approaceth, it's time to think about present budgeting, even for the nation's top 10% of wealth. They've settled on a spending figure, and it's even lower than last year.

Last month, liberals' 2010 war on Christmas began. Now, a group of German Catholics are joining in, by calling for "Santa Claus-free zones." They want Santa replaced with Saint Nicolas, because Santa is "an invention of the advertising industry." Blasphemy!

Calling all Lambs! This morning, Mariah Carey graced the world with the first single from her upcoming Merry Christmas II You album, titled "Oh Santa." It's criminally catchy, obviously, and sure to become the next classic Christmas tune. Listen inside.

With your help, maybe we can finally destroy Christmas once and for all this year. When we talk about destroying Christmas, you guys comment. And every time you comment, an angel loses its wings! Let's see what you said today.

The highlight of this year's Values Voters Summit was probably the screening of an important straight-to-DVD film, Christmas with a Capital C, starring Daniel Baldwin. You must watch the trailer, below. It's about liberals and their annual routine: destroying Christmas.

You're all familiar with the song, "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer," right? Well, life has decided to imitate art: watch as this poor Finnish woman falls victim to a randy Rudolph (or Connor, of Vixen, or whomever).

The Capitol has selected its 2010 National Christmas Tree from a Wyoming forest! Park rangers, however, are worried about vandals cutting it down and "must figure out how to obscure its exact location within the 3.4 million acre park." Impossible.

The oil leak in the Gulf could continue until Christmas, some analysts are now suggesting.

First, Desiree Rogers refused to acquiesce to Sally Quinn's demand that she be an old person from Georgetown. Then she let some losers into a party. Now we learn that she forgot to send Christmas cards to rich people!

We've unwrapped each of your terrible tales of yuletide terror like a little gifts and we wouldn't return any of them. Our stocking was suitably full of familial dysfunction, but only one of your tales can be our favorite.

Barack Obama is in Hawaii celebrating the holidays with his family and attempting yet again to forge a long-form birth certificate. And what have pool cameras caught him doing over the long weekend? Having lots of fun!

You people have nothing better to do this week than recount your awful experiences from the holiday that just occurred. Leave your tales of woe in the comments of our Holiday Horror Story post. The winner will be decided tomorrow!

Dubbed Canada's Mario Lanza (for whatever that's worth), Giorgio Longdo carries you away to memories of holidays of yore with his inimitable tenor and and ever-changing painted studio backdrop. Choirs of angels have got nothing on Giorgio!