We needed something to bleach the image of Julianna Margulies's privates off our cortex, and what better psychic disinfectant than some exclusive footage from Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi's recent nuptials. Both brides look stunning—their vaginas safely stowed away somewhere where guests and hovering helicopters would never see them. We were particularly moved by the moment Ellen first laid eyes on Portia emerging in full hair, makeup, and gown, a sight that could turn even the most ardent of penis-enthusiasts into card-carrying members of the American Association of Lipstick Lesbians. [Ellen]

Click to viewIn this clip, CNBC's Jim Goldman asks Apple CEO Steve Jobs what he thought of Microsoft's new ad featuring Bill Gates and comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Watch the clip: Jobs answers Goldman's question politely, but the CEO's body language says what he won't. He shakes his head. He throws his hands up in the air. He grins and laughs. Like the rest of us, the guy who greenlighted the Mac vs. PC series, the Think Different campaign, and the infamous anti-IBM 1984 ad doesn't get what Microsoft was thinking running that thing either.

· We know kindred Staffordshire Bull Terrier-in-pantyhose spirits when we see them. [The View] · The Borat driving instructor and etiquette school teacher lawsuits have been tossed by a New York judge. [AP] · The new David Archuleta video for his single "Crush" is kind of awesome, in that it never quite identifies which of these attractive boys and girls splashing around in a lake Archie is actually crushing on. Ah, Archie—Idol will never be the same without ya. [YouTube via Towleroad] · At long last, Yo Gabba Gabba has its website. Gather round, potheads children! It's time for your Biz Markie Beat of the Day! [Yo Gabba Gabba] · Please brace yourselves for the World's Most Inappropriate Kiddie Park Slide. [WOW Report]

Voilà, Bond fanatics: the second trailer for Quantum of Solace, consisting of approximately 45,000 strung-together microshots that keep cutting to black for maximum seizure-inducing effect. What can we glean from the snippets on display? Apparently, the dude from The Diving Bell and the Butterfly has made a miraculous recovery, but all those frozen years in a wheelchair have made him extremely bitter, transforming him into a Bond supervillain. Jeffrey Wright can imbue even lines like, "James, move your ass," with a stirring gravitas. Daniel Craig still looks excited about his new body. And Olga Kurylenko plays the "beautiful but feisty Camille," who makes up for her lack of naughty-homonym name by mastering that tricky combo of threatening/icy/bangable that is truly the hallmark of every great Bond girl.

The revisionist Judy Miller/Valerie Plame dramatization Nothing But the Truth has yet to find the traction its makers had hoped for in Toronto ("As a bitchy, comic/melodramatic woman’s picture on the order of All About Eve or The Women, Rod Lurie’s Nothing But The Truth is wildly entertaining," wrote one critic. "Unfortunately for Lurie, I think it’s probably supposed to be a serious political parable about This Fix We Find Ourselves in Now"), but not all seems lost. Especially for journalists, a few of whom Kate Beckinsale shadowed in preparation for her role as the Miller-esque Rachel Armstrong, and with whom she drew a number of novel professional comparisons to actors Monday at Truth's TIFF premiere. Like the one where we wait behind a barricade for 90 minutes to get 45 seconds with her? Or the one where Vincent Gallo assails our former colleague as an "ugly cunt"? We know, we know — it's uncanny! Learn more in the video after the jump. [AP]

We'd be lying if we told you we watched Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles with any regularity. But after being made aware of this clip from last night's show, in which Garbage lead-singer Shirley Manson morphs from a men's urinal into an old-school, T-1000 liquid Terminator, we think we might have to start tuning in. They've actually turned the beloved singer of "Queer" and "Stupid Girl" into a killer-robot urine receptacle, who can extinguish any full-bladdered obstacles in her mission to destroy teenage John Connor with one extension of her built-in fingercicle feature. That's bad ass! [Terminator]

Keira Knightley dropped by the Late Show last night in the midst of the host's near Network-worthy televised meltdown about our doomed planet. To her credit, she managed to evade all the dark prophesying, and even remained chipper when Letterman forced her to address the one topic that follows her more tenaciously than a swarthy French Riviera paparazzo on a Vespa: her body. Whether she's being accused of being a fanorexic thinspiration, or suing over those accusations, or being entered by her own studio into a Wet Nightie Contest, or fighting off their one-sheet breast-enhancement attempts, it seems no body has endured more scrutiny than hers. Can you blame her for not wanting to squat on cue? [Late Show]

HBO is creating an Internet TV show called "Hooking Up" which will feature seven YouTube-famous personalities. Philip DeFranco and Kevin Wu? Yeah, we'd never heard of them — but their videos and those of five other lucky videographers picked by HBO have generated a total of 35 million views. Why would HBO, known for high-quality productions like The Sopranos, Sex and the City and The Wire, risk tainting a brand people actually shell out money for on their monthly cable bills? HBO parent Time Warner should have released "Hooking Up" on the AOL-owned social network Bebo, and let HBO stick with content worth paying for. Here are the videos that landed their stars, inexplicably, an HBO deal:SXEPhil, "Doda Elektroda has some huge......": 4,871,621 views

"God is invading Alaska." Master's Commission: Wasilla, Alaska is a teen religious program that starts this week, sponsored by the Wasilla Assembly of God, the local church to which vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin used to belong. This movie-trailer-style promo clip for Master's Commission is impressive both for its Dolby-rumble production quality and its deadpan imitation of the late Don LaFontaine. Obamatarded atheists will cringe at its God-is-coming theme, but the Mat-Su Valley and Silicon Valley aren't so different: They're both filled with young people convinced they can change the world through the power of their superior ideas. Where's the end-times promo clip for Google Chrome?

We don't traffic in empathy much around here — especially for studio heads — but you can't help but feel a bit sorry for Alan Horn these days, who has been reduced to peering under his car in a paranoid state before each trip to and from the Warners lot, searching for some Harry Potter fan's homemade peat-moss explosive affixed to his gas tank with frog spit and the hovering air of revenge. Surely he knew what he was getting into when he pushed Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince from this November to July 2009 (he's already apologized), but still, no one deserves to live under the type of shrieking death-threat duress graphically laid out by The Wall Street Journal:

Greg Lindsay comes across as an uptight guy. But that doesn't stop him from appearing on television again and again. Indeed, he's the poster boy for go-getters who try on every form of media until they find one that fits best. The former WWD gossip columnist and author of a book about sleeping in airports landed a "memorable" appearance on Martha Stewart's TV show earlier this year. And last night, he was a contestant on Jeopardy! The secret to his publicity, he advised a youngster long ago, is to remember "it's all about the brand called you." And how! Click to watch the clip of Lindsay's, um, uphill battle. And we'll let former Deadspinner Will Leitch finish the story of watching the show with Greg himself:

What do science-fiction/science-history meganovel writer Neal Stephenson and Internet crank Nick Carr have in common? They both postulate that our society's glut of video and network access trains people not to sit down and learn how to think for themselves — why figure anything out if you can just Google up an answer? (Case in point: The stock-research guy who Googled a 2002 story about United's bankruptcy and wrote it up as if it were news.) Stephenson's Anathem, which takes place in a world where grownups actually do math, is available in bookstores Tuesday. You can read my Wall Street Journal review, or — heh — just watch this video.Click to viewI didn't know they make trailers for books now. "The World of Anathem" is by Seattle videographer Brady Hall, who I'm told makes a decent living from the genre.

· It's really not the end of summer until Paula Abdul salivates over a Tupperware container filled with Rachael Ray's delicious Klonopin-chip brownies. Side note: We believe that video breaks the world record for on-camera time in which Ryan Seacrest remains completely silent. [RR] · HBO's online arm HBOlab is launching a new web series starring YouTube microcelebs. At least one passionate YouTube critic is aghast at the results. [YouTube Reviewed] · Requisite Annoying The Dark Knight Sequel Casting Rumor of the Day has Michael Caine confirming Johnny Depp and Philip Seymour Hoffman will play The Riddler and The Penguin, respectively. We stand by our assertion, however, that Hoffman was born to play The Kangaroo. [MTV] · We know we dumped Defamer Job Listings, but that doesn't mean we can't still pass along an opportunity here or there: "Verso Entertainment is looking for an office/personal assistant for company President Cash Warren (yes, J. Alba’s producer hubby). Work with Cash personally and with his new website ibeatyou.com which launched Spring 2008. Agency experience preferred." [Mail To] · Remember how much fun we had with the Scatalogical Madonna Song Title Game? Well, just wait for Anus Blanket Bingo! [big. crush.]

While conducting interviews at the VMAs yesterday, the nearby booth advertising Rock Band 2 was the cacophonous bane of our existence — though no one was more unhappy to see it than director Brett Ratner. As you may recall, the Defamer-beloved auteur (and big penis enthusiast) aspires to direct a film adaptation based on Rock Band's rival video game franchise, Guitar Hero. Since the idea continues to boggle our minds, we knew we had to venture a question, even if the resulting Defamer-on-Ratner interaction threatened to spin the world off its axis. Fortunately, the Rush Hour 3 helmer was every bit the gentleman. We blame the heatstroke. [MTV]

Today in Sarah Palin news! This nice young man has gone to the YouTube to announce something very important: he is actually the father of Alaska governor Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol Palin's little fetus. Well. Keven, the nice young man in question, is from Los Angeles, but he says he lived in Wasilla for a while, with his dad, and he and Bristol were "really good friends" who made a baby together. That baby's life began at conception and Kevin went back home to make YouTubes. Oh, you might notice something about Kevin, as you watch this. There is something about him that makes him seem a little different from, say, reported father Levi Johnston. See if you can spot what it is! (Confidential to K.: we think it is pronounced "PAY-lin.") [Radar]

While we enjoyed sharing with you the alternately entertaining, excruciating, and utterly discombobulating experience of attending the 2008 VMAs in person, there were moments completely lost on us from our extremely un-VIP vantage point. Take, for example, this off-prompter ad-lib from Jordin Sparks, in which the uncomfortable tension building steadily in Soundstage 16—Brandian anti-Republicanism and hypersexuality reacting against Jonas Brothers's calculated chastity—burst like on overfilled water balloon. What we hadn't noticed at the time was her co-presenter John Legend's overt attempts at distancing himself from Sparks's pro-abstinence sentiments, displaying his naked fingers to indicate the absence of any such sex-warding amulets from Zales. He's good to go, groupies!

Don't look now — really, don't. Top venture capitalist Tim Draper's daughter, Jesse Draper, has already released eight episodes of her Web video show, "The Valley Girl." Jesse is a screen star, best known in the tween set for "The Naked Brothers Band," but somehow we think her dad had more to do with the guests she's pulled in, who include Draper himself; Draper's partner Steve Jurvetson; VC and SkinnySongs founder Heidi Roizen; Glam Media's Samir Arora; and Sun chairman Scott McNealy. McNealy, a native of Detroit, was asked the hard-hitting question, "What does Silicon Valley mean to you?" His reply: "Great weather." In today's episode, Jesse interviews former AOL CEO Barry Schuler. We were surprised the man still goes out in public. For a proper introduction to the show, however, you're better off with episode seven. In it, Jesse asks Craigslist founder Craig Newmark: "Do you consider customer service one of the most important things?" From somewhere deep within, Newmark manages to answer this difficult query.

The official kickoff of football season was blamed for having taken a hefty bite out of the weekend box office, so we thought we'd take a moment to check in with what's going on over at America's other favorite spectator pastime. Ah yes, some wholesome college football—fun for the whole family. Even those kids on the rock are enjoying a spirited Texas/UTEP game, in "sparkling high-definiton on ESPN 2." Uh...wait one second. Yo, announcer—could you give us a hand with that Telestrator and circle the offending region for us? Ah ha! Just as we thought! She's giving that guy a hand job! We doubt theater owners can compete with that kind of entertainment value; expect cushy, masturbation-friendly seats to premiere at the next ShoWest, replete with individual lube-pump dispensers and Handy Wipes holders.

Hey, everyone stop complaining that Sarah Palin won't grant anyone except Uncle Charlie Gibson any interviews and therefore we have no clue if she knows anything about foreign or domestic policy besides "drilling good, wolves bad." Because you guys had your chance back when she was just a little-known governor and you wasted it! Here's a clip of Palin in the green room of Charlie Rose. She is talking about her first jobs, waitressing and babysitting, and how those are a lot like her new job, governing a couple thousand crazy Alaskans and making sure they get their welfare checks from the privatized Marxist oil scheme they're running up there. Click to watch! (Later in the interview, btw, she names her favorite authors of all time. They are Christian children's book writer C. S. Lewis and a columnist for Runners' World magazine.)

It was the Entertainment Weekly cover that forever scarred Livejournal: a vivid tableau of Twilight actors Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, the former barechested enough to expose millions of teenage girls to their first confusing glimpse of chest hair. Though excitement for the cinematic adaptation of Stephenie Meyer's vampire novel had been building to a crescendo, one actor's decision not to wax could have destroyed everything; fortunately, the audience's distaste for even more hirsute werewolves kept fans firmly on Pattinson's side. Still, when we spied the actor on the red carpet for the VMAs yesterday, we knew we had to settle Chesthairgate (part two!) once and for all. Also, two bonus bits: Pattinson's thoughts on the latest, controversial Twilight installment and messy vampire babies! What more do you need to sink your teeth into? [MTV]