We know we gave Rosie Perez a hard time for her little Seth Rogaine gaffe on the Late Show the other week, but we kid because we love—and have since we first glimpsed her beating the shit out of the Do The Right Thing credits to "Fight the Power." On The Tonight Show last night, Jay Leno inquired as to the inspiration for her bitch-on-wheels flack character on Lipstick Jungle. As it turns out, the creation is based on a very real woman who wouldn't hesitate to plunge a pen in an eye and let the chain-attached clipboard dangle from the hollowed socket if it meant keeping a pushy gatecrasher out of an A-list-only event. Any guesses as to the Satanic flack's identity? [The Tonight Show]

We hear Steve Wozniak — he's the Apple cofounder who doesn't rain expletives on reporters — is speaking at Cisco at 11:30. We're curious what he has to say. Update: A reader sent in the photo above, and another eyewitness wisecracked: "It's like they transferred all the fat from Jobs to Woz." Ouch! Even former Woz flame Kathy Griffin wasn't that harsh. Any other Cisco tipsters care to send more? Below, a clip from another Woz talk at Google last year:

"There are 8,000 nerve endings in the clitoris and this son of a bitch couldn't find one of them." Sound like an opening sentence to a trashy beach novel that aims to be read by thousands of housewives lolling on the Jersey shore before becoming landfill refuse? That's exactly what it is! But since it has such a killer first line, the people promoting the book (Tan Lines, obviously) made a video of all types of random people reading it. Just that line. It's all downhill from there. This is like the far, far less literary version of the video of random blogger types reading from the Keith Gessen FSU remix book. I bet the Tan Lines people wish Julia Allison had showed up to put some flair into it. Aw! Watch the strange clitoris festival, below:

Three women who first discovered and photographed the Montauk Monster have issued a desperate plea for scientists to help them identify the devil spawn! Rachel Goldberg, Courtney Fruin and Jenna Hewitt gave their long-awaited interview to PlumTV, following hot on the heals of the CNN appearance by their buddy "Colin," who is keeping the monster's bones safe in his bong or Weber grill or whatever. The ladies revealed they have been in touch with a scientist from Stony Brook University, who supposedly told them it can't be a raccoon (legs/arms not in proportion to body), dog (feet "don't match up" — ??) or turtle (they don't have teeth). So basically we're dealing with a mutant, alien or satanic death hound. "Lock your fucking doors," as one self-described biologist told us yesterday! The women are hoping another scientist will take a look at the remains and give a less terrifying answer. A video except, along with some interesting mail, is after the jump. UPDATE: Plus a new, less decomposed photo via Newsday!

Wolf Blitzer and crew have been swept up into Montauk Monster mania, which began on this humble site when we posted about a nefarious hell demon that washed ashore on Long Island's picturesque tip. A reporter for the cable news net hit the streets, showing passersby a photo of the hideous beast. Most were befuddled, some cracked wise ("My husband?"), and one woman was "squirmish." A New York Times Magazine cover story, featuring a photo of the devil "dog" draped across its flaming, Satanic bed, is surely forthcoming. Clip of the coverage is above. Oh, and nice of CNN to get a Gawker screenshot of us calling their elder statesman Larry King "drunk," bee tee dubs.

· Did we say we were done with earthquake stories? We lied. Shake it, Judge Judy! (And Judge Penny, whoever you are.) [Access Hollywood] · Were three dimensions not enough for you to enjoy the dead-eyed zombie children delights of The Polar Express? Well, all aboard! TOOT! TOOT! The Polar Express 4-D Experience is on its way. What does the additional D get you? "Upon your arrival at the North Pole...it actually begins to snow inside the 4-D Special FX Theater and when the conductor sings 'Hot Chocolate' and the dancing waiters begin to pour, the audience can smell the delightful aroma of every cocoa cup!'" [NY Post] · Despite a hospitalization, Elizabeth Taylor's flack insists she is nowhere near death: "Her hospital visit was precautionary. She will be returning home shortly. At present, she is surrounded by family, friends and fabulous jewels." And Pepperoni & Bacon Pizza Pops—her favorite. [ET Online] · All hail Siaosi Tupou V, Tonga's new king! [Yahoo/AFP] · Posters for The Canadian Filmmakers Festival feature some fine Canuckistanian send-ups of classic film images. [Super Punch]

So anyway, we were stroller-pushing with Molls and her young son at the Americana last weekend, and she turned to us and said—what's that? You'd like us to rewind and repeat that again, slowly, and swear up and down we aren't lying? Well we can't do that. All we know is every time we go to her house, there's this kid in diapers there named Collin, and he's usually playing on some exercise equipment (elliptical crosstrainer, exercise ball, whatever), and he keeps referring to her as "mom," and she in response calls him "my favorite little mistake," and they seem to be a happy little family. He's home-schooled, and subsists so far as we can tell on pre-masticated Hostess cupcakes, which she drops directly into his mouth, mama-sparrow style. Here's your To Dos! · KCRW Session with Moby at Malibu Performing Arts Center · Sarah Silverman at Largo · Artist's Night at California Science Center

In browsing What Would Don Draper Do? yesterday —your one-stop Tumblr shop for tips, advice, and musings from everyone's favorite Sterling Cooper jr. partner/secret whore-child—it suddenly occurred to us that there are few people, fictional or real, whose loafers we'd more rather slip into. You know—just to see how it felt to be Donald Draper, shtupping his Jewess department-store-heiress mistress on the side. Which got us further thinking—what other iconic TV characters would we like to be, or do, or maybe both be and do? We left it to the capable hands of Defamer videosmith Molly McAleer to compile this ultimate Top Ten Countdown of TVs Coolest Cats. We're sure you'll agree that each in his own way demonstrated consistent grace under fire, panty-moistening sex appeal, and more cool that a seal hunt in December. And yes, we're well-aware that we left off many of your favorites; that was intentional, as this is the definitive Cool Cat list. Feel free to contribute your own nominees and clips in the comments. In the meantime, take it away, Parker Lewis!

Viewers who tuned in Wednesday to Late Night With Conan O'Brien were treated to very special vacation slideshow by Mummy 3 star Maria Bello, who, during a recent visit to China, skipped the Great Wall and the Forbidden City in exchange for the more fantastic tour of Misconceived Bathroom Placards. It's not just the mangled English ("handicapped" = "deformed") and malaprops that make the show-and-tell special, however. Just take a moment to enjoy O'Brien's play-by-play, abetted by headlining guest Kevin Costner's awkward sidekick chuckle. If it's not enough to make you forget Andy Richter, it's at least enough to make you forget this man once won an Academy Award. In any case, we genuinely wouldn't mind if they revived this segment every week. [NBC]

Maybe you'd rather be luxuriating with hookers and blow in your secret, underground orgy grotto than showing up at the office. Or perhaps your employees in Bangalore are slacking on the job, but you don't care to fly halfway around the world. Never fear, telepresence robots are here! I'm pretty sure you could easily have RoboDynamics, the startup behind them, solder on a remotely-triggered taser or bullwhip in case verbal abuse just won't cut it. Or a teledildonic vibrator, if sexual harassment is more your style. You thought I was joking when I said Apple was developing a Robot Steve Jobs — and it's preprogrammed with epithet-laced tirades and lashing macros for one-click ease.

After all of Hollywood weighed in on the new McCain "Celebrity" ad (well, Britney's publicists and Fake Paris Hilton, at least), it was only natural to turn to the ladies of The View for the last word. Unfortunately, that last word is shrieked, shouted, and stomped to death as Whoopi Goldberg and Elisabeth Hasselbeck spar over the ad with such vitriol that View producers were no doubt tempted to drag the split-screen out of mothballs. Enjoy this delightful screaming match as Whoopi yells "Don't go there!" at a booed, sulking Elisabeth (while Sherri Shepherd gets out nothing but a delightfully chirped "Ludacris!").

A clearly flailing John McCain has just released his new Obama attack ad and boy, is it a doozy! Employing a risky "Obama is awesome...but is he too awesome?" strategy that seems designed to fail, McCain calls Obama "the biggest celebrity in the world" (because if there's one thing America hates, it's celebrities) and plays footage of Obama's massive rallies and beatific smile that could have come from an Obama b-roll itself. The only signs that something is amiss are the split-second shots of Britney and Paris spliced into the ad — inclusions that have baffled the reps for both washed-up celebutantes. Says the Huffington Post:

Stopping by Late Show to drum up interest in Pineapple Express, James Franco admitted to David Letterman that this was only his second-ever experience on a talk show. The first was two years ago, when he appeared on The Tony Danza Show: A lightly surreal daytime chatfest hosted by everyone's favorite Who's The Boss-star and guido savante, it relied perhaps a little too heavily on ill-conceived gimmicks and stunts. (The Plinkoesque call-in trivia game Extravadanza immediately pops to mind.) Sure enough, learning that Franco played a boxer in a "horrible movie" he refrains from naming (Annapolis! It was Annapolis!), Danza challenged him first to a push-up contest, and, after Franco politely rejected that offer, a Hook-the-Ring decathalon event that still induces involuntarily facial-twitching and regular nightmares of Danza's "I'm the Lord of the Ring-Hookers!" victory dance.

In June, Six Apart's Mena Trott told a CBS reporter, on camera, that she thought her baby was ugly. "Babies that age are kind of meh," she said. "I mean, Penelope has always been cute in our eyes, but looking back at pictures we think 'this is cute?' Not throw-up ugly, but definitely not as cute as now." Her comments did not air, but she inexplicably posted them on her blog, where Penelope — who is actually very cute, as the above still shows — will surely read them years from now. Her husband Ben, who cofounded the blog-software maker, made it on TV with an appropriately fatherly statement: "We just actually feel that she is that cute." Ben, who's pretty cute himself, has always been the shyer one in the Trott family. But we're starting to think he might have the makings of a better spokesperson than the loose-lipped Mena. Ben's TV appearance:Click to view

Shia LeBeouf continues to recover from hand surgery after some spectacular Bayian stuntwork at the corners of LaBrea and Fountain early Sunday morning, resulting in an overturned pick-up truck, plus a massive fireball after the frazzled actor exhaled a gust of 80-proof breath while trying to light a cigarette. We've already explored his conveniently timed Details interview, in which he spoke freely of hard-partying father-son bonding moments, and his inability "to have one drink." ET has video (above) of the interview, in which he charms a giggly off-camera reporter with flippant observations about his renegade drugstore exploits ("Walgreens is a formidable foe, let me tell you guys right now. It was the battlegrounds of my life. The coliseum where all the rumbles happen."). He also openly longs for a time when "actors were magical. Now that paparazzis are rampant the business is losing the magic a little bit. You always feel like people know too much."Variety, meanwhile, has a report from the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen set, where Bumblebee, Jazz, Ratchet, and the rest are passing the time playing Trivial Pursuit: Totally '80s Edition until their star gets back:

Click to viewThe mysterious Young Manhattanite writes: For months now I have been looking for a classic clip of Larry King drunk on his radio show that I heard way back in the dawn of the public Internet when my friend downloaded it from a newsgroup. It's NOWHERE online now. My friend finally found the cassette tape he transfered it to back then (yes, a cassette tape!) and redigitized it. After some digging, it appears this recording was made between 1987 and 1994 when his radio and tv shows overlapped. This witching hour call-in segment was called Open Phone America. According to Wikipedia, the phones would open up at 3 a.m. for callers to discuss any topic they pleased with Larry. Give it a good listen. Really picks up halfway through. Update: Transcript below!

As Montauk Monstergate continues, the national news media has begun to take notice (and drink companies are trying to piggyback on the buzz). The breezy wind-up toys at Fox News did a segment on our little creature friend (who I suppose we can now call Monty, as suggested by a commenter) this morning, bringing on noted animal expert and possible crazy person Jeff Corwin to resolve the matter. There he sat, reporting live from my beloved home city of Boston, and lied to America. "It's a dog, or a raccoon" he said with shifty eyes. Whatever government agent was off camera almost certainly had a gun leveled right at Corwin's head (or, you know, some hell beast agent of the Dark was pointing a talon). When will this vast conspiracy unravel? When will these portents be accepted as auguring the end of days? For what it's worth, the Fox news lady doesn't believe Corwin's awful lies, because she Wants to Believe. This is a monster folks, plain and simple. I mean, Fox news ladies know their own kind. (Also, "you saw it here first yesterday"? Puhhleeze.) Clip is above.

CNN's American Morning has a thing for cheesy rock-and-roll intros, and the Daily Show tonight showcased the most embarrassing among them, including Scorpion's "Rock You Like A Hurricane" for a story on Tropical Storm Bertha or "Changes" by David Bowie for everything from credit cards to reform in China. But the best part comes at the end, when host Jon Stewart reveals how American Morning host John Roberts, once considered heir apparent to Dan Rather at the CBS Evening News, learned to pair pop hits with headlines. Hint: Think Adam Curry. Click the icon for video. UPDATE:

· And now for some non-earthquake-related Big Brother rumbles: In one corner, we have 75-year-old contestant (and the oldest person on CBS since Murder, She Wrote), Jerry. In the other, we have professional "mixologist" Memphis, precisely one-third Jerry's age. We won't tell you how it plays out, except to say so long as you're glimpsing three-quarters-of-a-century-old armpit, Jerry's winning. [Big Brother] · A fourth Austin Powers is reportedly being written by Mike Myers. It's a "very personal [take] with a father and son theme loosely based on his own life," meaning it's sure to feature a scene in which the old Mini Me is tossed around in the backyard. [Deadline Hollywood] · In honor of Discovery Channel's Shark Week, a chat with a Great White. [edithzimmerman.com] · Hitting every stop on the Interactive Ben Kingsley Accent Map would wear out even the sturdiest Amazing Race contestants. [bestweekever.tv] · Hey—bear running around a track in high heels! [Jezebel]

As if we weren't soiling our pants enough already in anticipation of Disney's Beverly Hills Chihuahua and its high-kicking chorus of furry Mexican slurs, now comes a short teaser from the upcoming The Princess and The Frog—a return to hand-drawn animation for the studio, and the first to feature an African-American princess in the lead. Set in New Orleans, the jazz-era musical is written and directed by the team who brought us classics like Aladdin and The Little Mermaid, features songs by Randy Newman, and—if this teaser is any indication—stars a toothless firefly that seems to have fluttered in accidentally from the set of Song of the South 2: Cajun Vacation. Unfortunately, the feature won't be in theaters until Christmas 2009. Haw-haw! Id looks like dis could take some TAHM!