Disconcerting news: Patron Saint of Eastside Good-Time Drunkenness Kiefer Sutherland has put his bachelor's paradise up for sale, the Real Estalker blog informs us. Located in a converted foundry on N. Madison (that's Melrose just west of Virgil—hey, we can spit there!), the 14,400 sq. foot warehouse space cost him $700,000 to purchase, and—outfitted with "three bedrooms and four bathrooms...25 foot ceilings and polished concrete floor...[and] curtained off areas that function as an art/painting studio and a home gym set up"—it's now available to you, the Kiefer-Stalking Person or Persons of Means, for a mere $4,895,000. Did we mention it's walking distance to Ye Rustic? Look: We've even Google Mapped it for you! Take a photo tour after the jump:Before you begin sobbing between self-pitying bites of Myrtle Burger—positive the listing means we'll see a reduction in Kiefer's legendary pub-crawling exploits in the area—we'll leave you with this thought: You can take Kiefer out of Silver Lake, but you can never take the Silver Lake out of Kiefer. Whoever buys this property, perhaps some Arabian sultan seriously obsessed with 24, we hereby commission you to erect a wonky-looking-Kiefer mural on its facade. Enjoy the tour.

Whether gathering the family 'round to marvel at the sheer Coors-can-devastating force of Busty Heart's exercise-ball-sized melons, or simply gasping in amazement as octuple-jointed youngster Victoria braids her limbs into a human challah bread, you never quite know what form America's talent will take on America's Got Talent. On last night's show, for example, we were treated to that Las Vegas showroom mainstay—the celebrity impersonator—effecting the guise of addled Godfather of Metal, Ozzy Osbourne. So chillingly spot-on was the performance that Ozzy's own wife, Talent judge Sharon Osbourne, admitted not even she could tell the impostor from her own husband. She then insisted he drop his pants and proceeded to examine the contestant thoroughly; satisfied he bore none of Ozzy's distinguishing cigarette burns or The Catheter Bag of Darkness, she was happy to move the doppelganger onto the next round of competition.

Recently, we, uh..... The world was shocked to learn this week that... Ok nevermind, fuck it. It's July. It's late July. Even the fucking Cloverfield monster is apparently enjoying a lovely vacation in Montauk. So here is a video of the bestest, gayest moments of CNN unicorn Anderson Cooper and his all-bear news show. It was put together by intern Morgan Miller. Pour yourself a gimlet and enjoy!

They always made for an unlikely couple. Besides a Manhattan address, a burning desire for tech-world fame, ties to Digg founder Kevin Rose, and towering self-regard, Iminlikewithyou founder Charles Forman and former Star TV spokeswoman Julia Allison had practically nothing in common. And now they have broken up, with publicly delivered disses. Allison's mechanism: Twitter, where she wished for "a boyfriend who isn't a whiny bitch." Forman's forum: YouTube, where a tirade against "celebrichauns with founder fetishes" was uploaded. The anti-Allison rant:

Having stared into the vacant black eyes of The Beast more times than he'd care to remember, veteran movie producer Art Linson (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Fight Club, and Into the Wild, to name just a few) had amassed so many "That's Hollywood, baby!" stories over the years, he strung them together into a memoir—What Just Happened? Bitter Hollywood Tales from the Front Line—and then a screenplay. And surprise! The project found a producer, who convinced Barry Levinson to direct, and Robert DeNiro to take the lead.

When last we left Harry Potter, the post-pubescent sorceror was learning to control a host of newly acquired wand-wielding tricks, while grappling with the stunning news that trusted headmaster Dumbledore enjoyed the company of fellow wizards. After the blustery torment of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, star Daniel Radcliffe hinted that even darker things were to come, noting Half-Blood Prince would incorporate "a fair amount of sexual energy and drug parallels. We have a couple of Trainspotting moments." Now comes our first glimpse of the movie's trailer:

We're sorry to note this morning that the laff-a-minute presidential opus W. has earned its first negative review, and it's one from which the film may have difficulty recovering: Elisabeth Hasselbeck needed only the trailer to swear off Oliver Stone's all-star romp through the life and times of George W. Bush, citing the filmmaker's "bias" and critical treatment of a sitting Commander in Chief. Her outraged View co-hosts Sherri Shepherd and Whoopi Goldberg — the latter still stung by the crippling backlash to trailers for her 2006 classic Homie Spumoni — warned of the implications of judging too harshly before seeing the film, but it was no use. Damage control is on at Lionsgate, meanwhile, where desperate marketing kingpin Tim Palen reportedly earmarked up to a third of his studio's new $340 million credit line for an early, spoilerrific David Letterman rave. Alas, some bells just can't be unrung. [AOL]

Your All-Earthquake Special Edition: · A shared traumatic experience provides thousands of deeply moving stories: This one, about the crew of an online horoscope show comforting each other in their not-quite-darkest hour, is one of them. [theCosmosGal's YouTube page] · LAist has some great security footage of a bicycle store in San Dimas doing the earthquake shuffle. We'd probably be tossing kids and grandmas out of the way to get the hell out of there, too. [LAist] · "Where was I when it hit? Oh, I was in stirrups with my gynecologist's hands in my vagina. What about you?" [Twitter] · We must commend the LAT for being so quick on their slideshow-compiling feet: Here's a tribute to Earthquakes in the Movies. Ah yes, who could forget NBC's 10.5, and its sequel 10.5 Apocalypse—both of which registered about a 10.5 in the scientifically-shaky-ground department. [LAT] · CEILING TILE DOWN. WE REPEAT: CEILING TILE DOWN. [Curbed LA]

At one time or another, we've all found ourselves mindlessly chattering away with clenched jaws to people we barely know as the clock approaches 6am. And while the impending sunrise is usually a good sign that it's time to go home, sometimes you just want to keep the party going a little bit longer. So you run to the corner and pick up another package. Before you get back to the party where your friends are, you can't resist the urge to open up the packet and have a little taste for yourself. So there you stand, sweaty and excited, as you tear open the package, quickly licking your finger and dipping it into the good stuff. You then give your gums a good rub, and that familiar feeling washes all over you once again. Ah yes, nothing beats a Saturday night on the town with an unlimited supply of Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip! Won't you join along as our own Molly McAleer presents this evening's To Do's while experiencing the ultimate (sugar) high with Willy Wonka's finest marching powder? Enjoy!· Black Kids at the El Rey. · James Taylor at the Greek Theater. · LA Craft Mafia Craft Up! at Saints and Sinners bar. · Christian Lander, author of Stuff White People Like, at Book Soup.

It’s always a hoot when you show up to an audition thinking you’re just trying out for another straight-to-DVD horror remake, only to find out afterwards that you just emoted all your talents in front of a titan of the porn industry. In yet another display of complete parental ignorance, Dina Lohan’s decision to send Lindsay-wannabe Ali on a journey to score a part in Troll in this weekend’s season finale of Living Lohan was kind of equivalent to sending your 14-year old daughter on a read-through of Bun Busters 13 or Breast Wishes 15. Yes, Ali’s eager efforts to make it big in showbiz has officially included a smiley “nerve-wracking” experience reciting classic lines like “Ratburgers!” in front of the multi-colored hair piece-topped Peter Davy, responsible for discovering gangbang queen Houston, among many other hardcore accomplishments. The clip, including Ali's stomach-tightening attempt to impress the porn industry professionals, after the jump.We, just like most of you, watched the Sunday finale of Dina’s pet project somewhat naïvely, unsuspecting of any cameos by canonized porn producers or guest spots made by directors intending on using Ali’s potential role into a “private instruction” on how to turn an otherwise innocuous ‘80s film remake into a “delicious” and sexy flick made magical by “people in China.” While the Troll director’s instructions guide Ali through much of the embarrassing audition, we have a sneaking suspicion that Davy’s presence is to blame for the wee Lohan’s need to imitate the “acrobatic” lead’s performance as Eunice, the “guardian against dark magic,” by imagining the casting room’s crew of greasy-haired Skinematic and Blowtime veterans are “really big movie people.” Typically, we await tomorrow, when Dina releases a statement denying Ali was ever in such a room whatsoever, and that any footage documenting the fact that she was were created by vicious haters is pure “bull doodie.”

On Sunday, Digg founder Kevin Rose went online, turned on his webcam, and proceeded to shave his head. A Britney Spears-style breakdown for San Francisco's linkbait lothario? No, it was just some charity bet. But we still wonder if former flame Julia Allison's recent run through town had anything to do with Rose's mental state. The saddest thing of it all: 806 people tuned into Rose's lifecasting session to watch.

Well, hopefully by now you've mixed yourself a nice cocktail to settle the post-earthquake jitters, didn't climb behind the wheel of an F-150, and are not currently in need of hand surgery. With everything seemingly still standing—even that wobbly nightstand that holds our framed, signed Eugene Levy headshot—we thought we'd celebrate with QUAKE '08: The Survivors' Stories, courtesy of your de facto natural-disaster-coverage destination, CNN. We particularly love the guy in the record store, contemplating his own narrowly avoided foot-mangling beneath a toppled rack of Gypsy King CDs. We also have video of KCAL's breaking news report after the jump, which confirms what we knew all along: This earthquake lasted a really long time! UPDATE: Some toppled streetlights and broken pipes have been reported. An official press conference on the rumbler is underway. UPDATE #2: More damage: We have a sighting of broken jars of pasta sauce being mopped up at the WeHo Trader Joe's!

· Chew-chew-chew, ha-ha-ha. The new teaser trailer for the Michael Bay produced Friday The 13th remake debuted at Comic-Con over the weekend. As with most bootleg footage, it's often out of focus, but how much focus do you really need to see Jason Voorhees slash his way through Camp Crystal Lake for the umpteenth time? [YouTube] · Whatever happened to Abel Ferrara? Good question. [Time Out London via MCN] · Heavily-hyped documentary (in the loosest sense of the word) American Teen fell surprisingly flat in its debut this weekend ($8,565/screen). Meanwhile, the phenomenal Man On Wire pulled in over $24K per screen in super-limited release. [Variety] · Miley Cyrus told Marc Malkin that "we're thinking this is our last season [of Hannah Montana]." And by we, she apparently didn't mean Disney — they shot back a quick response to his piece saying that the ball is in their court, not Miley's. [E! Online]

We don’t know whether to cry tears of sadness or sweet relief, but last night brought us the heartbreaking season finale of Dina Lohan’s dream come true: the Lindsay-free joy ride through the one of the most frightening TV family’s household that was Living Lohan. And despite all Dina’s efforts to convince us we should be happy for little 14-year old Ali and her double whammy of career success stories featured in this episode, the last few months have taught us that a role in the Troll remake and a single that makes our ears bleed do not necessarily a superstar make. But, as we’ve learned throughout the season, no matter how small these sad triumphs, if it weren’t for Dina and her never-ending flow of parental lessons, Ali would still just be some normal teenager allowed to go to the mall with friends and shop, instead of Dina's way of remaining the Mother Of The Century:1) Guarantee Daughter Flops An Audition By Giving Her The Script The Day Before! As we noted a while back, Ali is reportedly slated to appear in the “Worst Movie Ever Made,” a remake of cheap horror dramedy Troll. And though it’s quite obvious to everyone else that the producers are intent on casting a Lohan to get their movie some publicity, Dina manages to make the situation as difficult as possible by handing her the script one day before her audition. But we can’t really argue with this nugget of wisdom: “If you’re a really good director, you will know and you will see if someone has talent whether they know the lines or don’t know the lines.” 2) Show Support During Said Audition By Telling Daughter, "You Don’t Need Mommy"! After noting how scary it can be for someone like Ali, who doesn’t exactly have the most mature parents in the world, to meet real-live “adults,” Dina responds to her tween’s meager request for assistance during the meeting with the flick’s director by telling her, “You don’t need mommy.” Way to bolster her chances for an inevitable estrangement “just like Lindsay!” And that's a wrap! While we have yet to learn whether or not they'll be a Season Two of Living Lohan, one thing is certain — whether or not Ali succeeds in her career, Dina will surely find a way to continue to keep her name in the news. After all, isn't that what living Lohan is all about?

If—and that's a mighty big if—you've been clamoring for a glimpse of Repo: The Genetic Opera, the rock musical Paris Hilton has been plugging on every one of her dozen or so conciliatory David Letterman appearances, well, then, do we have good news for you. Just days after its U.S. premiere at Comic-Con, a clip of the movie—which takes place in a horrific future in which everything looks like mid-'90s Meatloaf video—has surfaced on YouTube. And wouldn't you know it: it just so happens to be Hilton's big number! Flanked by her two Black Party-rejectee henchmen, the triple-threatening heiress makes the most of her cameo, playing, as best as we can figure, a really terrible singer in a Bettie Page wig who loses basic motor functioning whenever Windex is injected via pneumatic syringe directly into her genitals.

As a world on edge waits to hear whether Mutt Williams will ever wield a whip again (we're hearing some encouraging news that his pinkie is out of critical care!), we bring you all the latest in the Shia LaBeouf could-have-been-much-worse DUI nightmare: · Sgt. Tressa Gunnels is amazed the injuries weren't more severe. Also: She's bad ass. [KCAL] · The rap sheet! [ET] · Shia was at The Troubadour at a Lemon Sun and Rumspringa show before the accident: "[He was] dancing around and acting really crazy...He kept doing shots of whiskey...He stayed until the band was done and then stumbled out of the club by himself." The female passenger in the overturned car was his Australian Transformers 2 co-star Isabel Lucas, pictured here moments after boyfriend Adrian Grenier's generous offer to polka-dot the stripes out of her. [Us]· Grenier, meanwhile, is reportedly displeased that she was out partying with LaBeouf at 3 a.m. Asked for a status update, Grenier was reportedly "testy...and refused to comment." [NY Daily News] · Shia's mom Shayna LaBeouf spoke to reporters from Cedars-Sinai, where she's been with Shia since the accident. She said he's "doing fine," and was close to tears as she said "thank you, thank you," to concerned fans. [E!] · Gold Derby blog's Tom O'Neil takes out his gilded switch and raps Shia lightly on his non-injured hand. If you expect to win Oscars, young man, we'll need to see some shaping up in the DUI truck-flipping department! [LAT] ·Transformers 2 co-star Tyrese was asked if he thought the reported month-long hiatus might affect Shia's involvement in the film, to which he responded: "A month? He won't be in the hospital for a month. He just hurt his hand. He can afford a private nurse." [MTV]

The signs, as they say, were there. A rough-and-tumble kid from the hard streets of Echo Parque, Shia LaBeouf traded in tubesteak and greasepaint as a child, raised by hot-dog-vending clown parents. (A profession, if the lessons of Momzo are to teach us anything, which can frequently lead to movie star delinquency.) It would not be long before his magnetic screen presence and deft improvisational skills would catch the eye of a Hollywood in a desperate search for its next everyman superstar. But while he seemed up to the tasks of blockbuster movie-making—whether sexing a hyperdeveloped co-star on the hood of an anthropomorphic Camaro, or getting thwacked in the balls by jungle vegetation—it was off-screen that LaBeouf began developing a reputation for recalcitrance. Shia, they whispered, was capital-t trouble.There was an arrest at a Chicago area pharmacy—for, as he tells it, disturbing the Walgreen's peace on an alcohol-fueled cigarette and Clearasil run. There was an unlawful smoking citation in Burbank, and a bench warrant issued when he failed to appear in court. And there was that leaked video of a Five-Fingered Mexican Roulette session, in which the adolescent superstar taunted his slap-fight sparring partner with a gay slur. Of course, that was was all just the overture for what was to come. Sunday morning at 2:30 a.m., LaBeouf made a left turn at the corner of LaBrea and Fountain. It was a seemingly simple driving maneuver made less so by three crucial factors: 1. The oncoming car didn't break in time. 2. He was drunk. 3. Michael Bay didn't shout, "Cut! Print! OK, let's move on to the Soundwave breakdancing sequence. Hustle, people—we're losing daylight!" through a bullhorn at the end of it. From the LAT:

With all the attention we pay to the 70s and 80s in these end-o'-the-day posts, we can forget that the recent past has much worth remembering. Like the hottest hotties of the 1990s, for example. And there were a lot of them! Who's your fave? I offer two of them in one dreamy clip after the jump. As always, alluring humans of all genders are welcome.

· Kelsey Grammer dropped by The Tonight Show to talk about what it feels like to have a near-fatal heart attack, and the devastating cancellation of Back To You, and the phone call to his hospital bed telling him to clear his Fox offices, and the death of his dog, and the death of his mother. Happy weekend, everyone! [The Tonight Show]
· Just a little taste of what you're missing at Comic-Con. (Warning: May contain traces of bespandexed nutsack.) [Wired]
· The final Britney/K-Fed verdict is in. She has to pay him $20,000 a month in ridiculous-watch-game upkeep fees. [Reuters]
· A rundown of what Comic-Con visitors saw at today's The Wolfman panel included some footage and an eerie tagline—"The power of Satan to change men into beasts”—that we're almost positive was used in a Paris Hilton fragrance campaign. [AICN]
·And finally, we proudly present one of God's Mistakes: The pigkey. [BWE.tv]

With two days of dog-hair-flinging and abortion confessionals throwing The View set into chaos, the impish presence of noted slingback sprite Neil Patrick Harris came as a welcome relief. Of course, the panel went straight in for the Britney kill: Harris was open about the experience of hosting the troubled singer's two-episode guest arc on How I Met Your Mother, noting that she was "out of her element," but that it was "cool" and that "she's looking better now." Still, burned before, he acknowledged that anything he said would likely be twisted beyond recognition by a scandal-hungry celebrity media machine. He then insinuated, with nothing more than a cocked eyebrow and sidelong glance to Whoopi Goldberg, that Britney propositioned the five series regulars with a celebratory wrap orgy.