· Still want more OT (Oprah/Tom)? We've compiled the interview's best moments. And yes, he addresses the indoctrination video you watched here. Verdict? Oprah: Asked the tough questions. Tom: Depressed. [Oprah.com]
· Yikes. We'd hate to see what Kanye would have written if EW had given his tour a B-minus. [kanyeuniversecity.com via Idolator]
· Now you can linger over assistant Jonathan's lovingly collaged FRIENDS 4 EVA!!! farewell poster for Jack Donaghy from last night's 30 Rock. [Videogum]
· It's time for accused Uma-stalker Jack "Tee-Hee" Jordan to have his say: He's humiliated! (Now that we think of it, Tee-Hee is the greatest nickname ever. Dibs!) [Reuters]
· "Hey, Gary! Good weekend? What?!" [People]
· The assault charges against Rod Stewart's retarded son have been dropped. [AP]
· Angelyne has the developers of the W Hotel over a barrel. Attagirl! [LAT]

If you are on the hunt for comfort food for your brain, look no further than this week's flavor-packed installment of Dirt Sandwich. Each week, our superstar videotrix Molly McAleer puts her very sanity on the line for you, the loyal Defamer reader, as she pours through over a dozen hours of infotainment shows looking for moments of high camp from TV journalism's lowlifes. This week's episode features only the hottest of hott topics, including Miley Cyrus' initial reaction to Annie Liebovitz's now controversial Vanity Fair spread ("Annie took, like, a beautiful shot"), Donny Osmond's nationwide manhunt for a gentleman caller willing to date his sister, Harvey Levin drooling over some new Halle Berry pics and, of course, the appearance of a cow on the set of Extra. And no, we're not talking about Dayna Devon. Enjoy!

The ladies of The View had a lengthy meta-conversation all about the "very beautiful!" and "sexy!" photos of their own Barbara Walters in this month's Vanity Fair. And while they do point out the photo spread's accompanying excerpt from Walters' new memoir Auditions, and Babs does allude to tales of past "lovahs," she fails to mention (until Oprah makes her next week) just how tantalizing some of those pages are. As today's preview in the NY Daily News reveals, Walters was involved in a long-term affair with an African-American senator back in the swingin' 70s. And from the sound of it, the affair was far spicier than all those Adrian Lyne movies about adultery:

I've long been fascinated with the ubiquitous gladhandery of Pete Cashmore, the 22-year-old founder of Mashable. And I've been meaning to ask Cashmore what, exactly, he does. Al Gore's cable channel, Current, has saved me the awkward moment. As a video clip shows, Cashmore talks on his cell phone, takes cabs, and meets with Internet luminaries. He claims that this process helps Mashable "get the news." For example? He interviewed Bebo founder Michael Birch days before the company's $850 million sale to AOL. Did his facetime land him the scoop? No. For that matter, Cashmore really hasn't written anything for Mashable in ages. Understandably. Appearing to be a blogger is a full-time job. The full clip:

Seeing a plum opening right off the bat, Winfrey notes the two are seated on precisely the kind of cushy, upholstered furniture that launched her interview subject into the Harpo Studios rafters three years ago. She goes on to frankly admit, "I was a little nervous, since you and I haven't had not sat down for a real conversation since [scare quotes] 'the sofa' incident...I was like, 'Wow'...what was that?" Wow indeed. Cruise goes on to justify the love-powered trampolining as "a moment...I just felt that way." Like any frightened, woodland critter reared into a corner a mountainside hunting lodge, however, Cruise eventually struck back: "You were egging me on! You were egging me on. You were egging me on! You were egging me on, too," he repeated, vengefully. [Oprah.com]

This is it! The East Coast has already watched the first of two up-close-and-personal hours with Tom Cruise on The Oprah Winfrey Show, and we've taken the liberty of pulling a preview of what you'll see in just a little over an hour. Feel free to move on if you'd rather be surprised. It begins with a tour of the actor's Telluride home (we're in a superstar's vacation home! Don't touch anything!), with Oprah inquiring about a bookshelf containing a leather-bound copy of every script he's ever made, Tom's margin notes included. ("More intensity!!!" "What's Brian Flanagan's motivation, beyond mixing the perfect Mai Tai?" "YEss, or yeESS? See what works...")

Getting stuck in an elevator could be the new path to media stardom. It did wonders for the guy from BusinessWeek who got trapped in one for 41 hours and ended up losing his job and his mental health. But he did get in the New Yorker! Now the parodies have begun, and this one, from Max Silvestri of 23/6, is actually pretty hilarious. Be warned, though: it makes light of the serious issue of elevator survival skills. Clip below.

Fox News will always have its revenge! Back in March, news of a bedbug infestation in Fox's newsroom surfaced, and the huge PR firm Fleishman-Hillard took advantage of it to promote one of their pest control clients—offering a free de-lousing to any Fox guests. You just knew that Fox wouldn't let that insult slide. Today, the fair and balanced station got its on-air vengeance against the PR firm [PRNewser], with a little of Fox's trademark gratuitous humiliation:

"Puncher" is an energetic little parody of boxing/wrestling/karate/gangster films, with an opening rap song, sweetly incongruous sound effects, and some nice shots of cute boy butt. The creator (film student Patrick Gill) has 47 other shorts; my favorite is "Ray Romano Is Sad."

In a Battle of the Lesbian Talk Show Titans (and Rachael Ray, who isn't a lesbian, despite the fact that we could easily picture her spitting out tobacco juice from a softball dugout), producers of The Ellen DeGeneres Show made a last-minute attempt at blocking today's Rosie O'Donnell-themed episode of The Rachael Ray Show. The reason? Concerns that Ray's syndicated series, which used Telepictures-owned clips of Rosie's old show, would beat Ellen's (also a Telepictures production) in the ratings. The Scoop reports:

God I hate how-tos that parody 50s educational videos, but this one from the constantly funny Supernews really delivers. Reader Cajun Boy pointed me to this guide to text romance, from drunk hookup to premature escalation to irresistible 80s party (nice touch).

· Forgive us for being a couple days behind on Robert Downey Jr.'s Late Show appearance, but we were so excited that someone has finally found way to stop making bad movies, we simply had to share it with you: Simply start every shooting day by balling up the piece-of-shit script handed to you by your director, whipping it at the wall, and having them start from scratch. [Late Show]
· Mariah Carey, 39, has married Drumline star Nick Cannon, 27, at her home in the Bahamas. Yes, she's that chick. [Page Six]
· Phew! Reichen takes back all of the "shady sack of beyond gross lying shit" talk and Bitter Dating Tips for Hollywood from his MySpace page. He was just having a bad day! :P [Pink Is The New Blog]
· Here's a free copy of the new Coldplay single. We're getting a slutty Gwyneth vibe from it. [coldplay.com]
· Wonkette remembers D.C. Madam Deborah Jeane Paltry, found dead today, by purchasing her a seat to the stars. [Wonkette]

On one hand we're sick to near-death of German provocateur Uwe Boll, whose perverse viral antics have amused us barely enough to keep us watching over the last month. But today the son of a bitch is making actual news: First by suing his Bloodrayne star Billy Zane for misleading him on the film's failed distribution in 2006, and then by actually confirming his proposed boxing match with flaxen fauxteur Michael Bay. So topical! So... angry! Find out where he's coming from (sort of) after the jump.

Skits about the Internet are always about a 7; finally here comes, eh, I'd say a 9. The British comedy troop (troupe?) "Idiots of Ants" presents a "What would Facebook be like in real life" sketch with actual jokes.

Safe to say that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales's plan to take Canadian journalist Rachel Marsden to the Time 100 party are definitely off. Not only have Wales and Marsden broken up, but Time has, as we predicted, declined to return Wales to its list of the most influential people. Think he'll shrug this off? Check out this video from last year where he complained to Stephen Colbert about getting bumped for the likes of Tyra Banks:

It's time to salute David Letterman, who continues to do a great service for us, the non-Hills watcher with only a vague idea of what the hell's going on with that inexplicably popular program. Thanks to the Reality TV Catfight Reform Act of 2007, Heidi Montag was granted equal Late Show broadcast time to that of Lauren Conrad, whereupon she too was grilled by Dave on the ins and outs of their feud. Apparently, the MacGuffin propelling much of this season's warfare was a much-discussed, but yet-to-surface sex tape starring Conrad and her former lover.

Hillary Clinton sat down with Bill O'Reilly yesterday because she apparently feels no compunction about encouraging him. The result was a reasonably reasonable interview, especially for Bill—which is not entirely surprising, as he usually saves his bullying for people who are easily bullied. He called her a socialist, yes, and then he called Teddy Roosevelt a socialist as well. At the end of the interview (which continues today) O'Reilly tried to goad Hillary into trashing NBC news. It might've worked! Bill hates MSNBC because their Keith Olbermann subjects him to the sort of personal abuse that Bill specializes in. Hillary hates MSNBC because their Chris Matthews compulsively says terrible sexist things about her. Sadly, Clinton backed down from the fight. Later today, they're gonna talk waterboarding!

Matthew Broderick was on Live with Regis & Kelly this morning, talking about his new film Away From Her Then She Found Me. And then he casually said the word "hard" followed by the word "on." And it captured his fancy so that he decided to go back and point it out. Regis sputtered, Kelly shrieked something, and Matthew got a strange look on his face. Hm. I wonder what he was thinking about. Video is above.