The task of turning five seconds' worth of compelling television—the announcement of the latest American Idol oustee—into an hour of Nielsen-trampling entertainment isn't an easy one. And yet they always seem up to the challenge, employing a wide variety of systematic dehumanization techniques to keep singers on their toes and viewers locked in until the very last moment. Take last night's episode, in which trembling, shaved-koala contestant David Archuleta was made to sit backstage for two full commercial breaks as his brothers and sisters stood in huddled groups on the stage. One was safe, the other at risk of being loaded onto Idol-branded freight trains and transported to a karaoke death camp somewhere in the San Fernando Valley.

For his second act, Napster founder Shawn Fanning founded a startup, Snocap, which utterly failed to change the music business. After he left, its remnants were sold to Imeem. For his third, Fanning joined Volkswagen's new ad campaign. My favorite part about Fanning's commercial, below? Count how many times Fanning or the bug says the word "Napster." Got to love lawyers.

Target's ad buyer, Stephen Dwyer, said the Valley needs to better educate buyers by sharing data. Coca-Cola's Tara Scarlett agreed and added that website owners have to explain to ad agencies who their users are and why they're valuable. Or, as two ignorant bloggers explained to David Spark at last night's Revision3 party, "Ad buyers, they're like junkies. And the people who sell advertising are like drug dealers. Facebook needs to better explain how to pack the crack pipe and smoke it."

Maybe the possibility of an impending recession hasn't hit home for you yet, comfortable as you are with your South-Park-cafe Wi-Fi connection. But as this clip documents, times are tough in such middle American towns as South Park, Colorado.

A friend at YouTube told me that maybe a half-dozen people make their living as YouTube creators. Everyone else in the site's partner program gets maybe a couple thousand bucks for millions of views (like our guest writer Yuri Baranovsky). How can someone figure out their personal worth to YouTube? Good question. Tech and media blogs like paidContent keep guessing and making rough calculations, but it's all fake numbers based on spotty data. So how much did the YouTube stars in that South Park episode — the ones waiting in YouTube's office for their money until they all fight to the death — how much money did they really make?

As far as directionless conversations with aloof, quasi-paranoid movie stars go, David Letterman's interview last night with Uma Thurman went about as well as could be expected. Perhaps retaining the slightest of old Oprah-Uma Oscar grudges toward our favorite joke-recycling late-night icon, Thurman deflects an odd series of inquiries about her country home for a full minute before anything resembling a punchline arrives. It could be a Pellicano trial reenactment as much as an affected celebrity sit-down, or perhaps just uncannily close to a conversation Thurman had earlier in the day with ex-husband Ethan Hawke. We knew Dave likes the studio cold, but watch after the jump and tell us if this isn't a bit much. [CBS]

On last night's South Park, disaster struck. The internet disappeared. Stan's father couldn't look at porn! His mom couldn't check her boring old email! And, most ominously and amusingly, television news was unable to find any information to report on. It was a pretty funny horror movie panic homage, even if it felt a tad dated. Click through for the clip.

· Sure, Rickrolling is a fun way to amuse yourself while harmlessly pranking your friends. But were you aware it might have added benefits, such as quieting your cranky infant? [YouTube]
· Meet Tricia Walsh Smith, who's harnessed the power of YouTube and a Magic: The Gathering deck to totally out her sleazebag of a Broadway producer ex-husband. [YouTube]
· "Sign district" status for downtown and K-Town brings us one step closer to the blinking neon, replicant-infested L.A. we all wish would get here already. [Curbed LA]
· Kim Cattrall is thrilled to star alongside Daniel Radcliffe in PBS's Samantha and Harry Potter Try Something Period and Artsy-Fartsy For a Change of Pace. [AP]
· Michelle Rodriguez on her sexuality: ""What the majority of [people] want to know is what I'm doing with my vagina, and I think that that's sick." Translation: Not putting penises in it! [latina.com]

Ex-scientologist Jason Beghe, an actor you probably don't remember from CSI and Numb3rs, posted a somewhat horrifying rant on YouTube yesterday in which he demonstrates just how crazy the religion can make someone, even after they've escaped its clutches. After spouting venom-laced theories involving "theta traps" and "reactive minds," Beghe tells us that Scientologists think they're "fucking doing something to save the planet." And in an interview with the Village Voice last week, he divulges yet more allegations about Tom Cruise's involvement, and has a warning for Will Smith:

There were plenty of noteworthy moments from last night's American Idol Tribute to the Many Songs and Slutty Looks of Mariah Carey, from David Cook's soundtrack-ready, grungemo rendition of "Always Be My Baby," to a stirring performance of ''When You Believe" by a leather bepanted David Archuleta (who could have just as easily located the spiritually redeeming undercurrent to the "shoe do do do do do do do/shoe do do do do do do yeahs" of "Fantasy"). But the most thrilling development, for us at least, came not from the stage, but rather the judge's table, shortly before Randy Jackson was called upon to apply his highly attuned pitchydar to Carly Smithson's take on "Without You."

Crack videoblogger Robert Scoble heads to Mahalo to interview bulldog entrepreneur and blog blowhard Jason Calacanis. Scoble rolls 24 interminable minutes of virtual tape as Calacanis talks about the math of buying monitors and comfy chairs and how the backend of Mahalo works. Forget that. We trimmed the video down to the most important bits: bulldogs and Glengarry Glen Ross-inspired steak knives.

A man sings along with himself about the clothes he's left behind as he gets old and fat. Sometimes I find a video with good dialog and bad editing, great editing but a weak concept, or some such combination barely good enough to post. But YouTube filmmaker Dan took a clever concept, performed it impeccably, then probably spent like a week straight editing to make this witty sketch that feels like a very casual version of "Flight of the Conchords."

There's a baby doing Abbott and Costello this week on Vimeo, the underrated video site for the artsy crowd. Top videos also include the usual stop-motion, timelapse, and such, which let's be honest is always fun the way Twinkies are always tasty. (As usual, this week YouTube's top videos sucked.) Here are the best six videos.

Well ugly is such a harsh word, so judge for yourself in the videos below: first, one of the videos I talked about from the silent (but occasionally Japanese-speaking) cute camgirl known as Magibon. Then a clip of her on a Japanese talk show, where she needed an English translator. Without the flattering bird's eye angle of her webcam, her face is long and plain; her teeth are terribly crooked. There's more information in this juvenile wiki article.

It's 1963 and this housewife had better find a better brand of coffee or her husband will taste a little of the secretary's, if you know what I mean (I mean he will sex them). As a reader said at Boing Boing, "It's like a teaser for season 2 of Mad Men!"

· Al Pacino made a guest appearance on The Late Show With David Letterman last night to promote his new film, 88 Minutes (aka Nick Of Time 2: Nicked Again!). Let this clip of Al Pacino putting Dave Letterman and the rest of the viewing audience to sleep with his Ted Striker-esque stories be a lesson to all of you up-and-comers in Hollywood; should you ever get called to sit on the chair next to Dave, Jay, Conan, Jimmy or Craig, the most important thing you can do is to PRACTICE YOUR ANECDOTES. And if you get called to do Carson Daly's show? Don't worry, no one is watching. [CBS, video by Molly McAleer]
· In an unprecedented move in the nearly 100 year history of Hollywood, Marvel and Paramount are banding together to turn the phenomenal trailer for Iron Man into a full-length movie. We can't wait! [The Onion]
· The thing about Scientology that creeps us out the most is the fact that even the ones who get away are crazy. [YouTube]
· If they cast the Yo Quiero Taco Bell dog in Beverly Hills Ninja instead of Chris Farley, you'd have yourself Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Unholy. [/Film]
· Wondering why Short Ends came to you a few hours late tonight? Well, it's because your Uncle Grambo was finishing his taxes. Let this serve as a reminder to all of you West Coasters, there's only three hours left to file your taxes! That is, unless your first name is Wesley and your last name is Snipes. In that case, don't sweat it. [IRS]

Mark Zuckerberg wants to be the Steve Jobs of his generation. But his fumbling speeches have only shown how far he has to go. A tip, Zuck: Study CollegeHumor's parody. From the gesticulations to the light lip-smacking, the comedy website's mock Jobs keynote nails the Apple CEO. Look for CollegeHumor cofounder Ricky Van Veen's cameo as John Mayer at the end of the clip.

Oh dear. After weeks spent learning about ancient proverbs and analyzing the relationship between women and fashion, the cast of The Hills has gotten their manicured hands dirty. Moving on from worldly life lessons, the girls dove highlights first into Relationships 101. McCain endorsette Heidi raised a good question last night: "How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time?" And her sort-of boyfriend Spencer provided some guidance. As his Adderall eyes flickered and his surfer boy voice reached shrieky heights, he attempted to explain something "everyone on the planet" knows: the difference between "Relationship-acation" and breaking up. But no matter how totally profound Spencer may have appeared, queen bee Lauren drowsily piped in with a brief lesson on boys who are "scum." Enjoy this video, crafted with loving care by Molly McAleer. [MTV]

Cynthia Nixon is living proof that bad things happen to good actresses. Speaking openly for the first time about her 2006 diagnosis with breast cancer on Good Morning America today, the happily outed actress demonstrated exactly how a public figure maintains grace under fire. And even after telling us how one goes about telling their kids they sorta have to undergo an operation, and how to deal with the public's response to her coming out, one of the most intriguing lessons the Sex And The City star shared had to do with which half of a lesbian couple is called "Mom" and which is called "Mommy." Nixon's life lessons, after the jump.